You Are You

I had been able to maintain NC since the day after Christmas, but then he texted me to wish me a Happy Birthday. They NEVER change and I wanted revenge and kept the conversation going because I thought by getting more “proof” of his craziness, it would take the anger away. It did not. I have PLENTY of proof of his mental illness to prove this not only to me, but anyone else who’d like to see. I realized just how sick he really is. I texted this response to him:

You know, I always think things between you and I will be different. I have to realize they won't. You are you. So the next time you want to contact me because you don't want to leave things like we did due to "karmic" reasons...don't. I need to move on and grow from this experience. I have way too much anger and sometimes close to hatred for you, but I know one day very soon I will forgive you and eventually myself for getting involved with you in the first place. You saw me coming, Xxxx...I just didn't see you. But now my eyes are WIDE open. And for that I must thank you.

After he read the text, I received many ugly texts in response. So as I was deleting them, I started to write. This was posted on Facebook as my status. I am done allowing him to take one more damned thing away from me:

Although Facebook (I reunited with him through FB) is a good way to stay in contact with my loved ones and friends far away and near, we are falsely assured that we are being protected; that our privacy is being handled by the various steps they offer us. But I am now coming to the conclusion that is just not true. I am once again struggling with using this type of media to stay in contact with anyone I care about and love. If someone wants to find you bad enough, they will. And usually those types of people have no good intentions in mind. I'm not sure what my decision will be ultimately, but I have been hurt very badly from an individual who saw me coming and has used my kindness, compassion and love for others to my detriment. Although I am now educating myself (and hopefully you now, too) about these types of people (mostly Narcissistic Personality Disordered individuals) and the way their minds work, I take full responsibility in allowing it to continue. I am in the process of trying to heal what has been damaged to my mind and mostly my heart. I will not make any hasty decisions as I am trying to get to a point in my life where I do not react, but think and pray before making any decision. I am grateful though, that this person has taught me something I did not know: that people like them DO exist and it has shed light on some of the things I need to change about myself. I always say there is good to be found in ANY situation, even bad. Well, this experience has been a HUGE eye opener and I will mourn the loss of that woman who trusted and loved so openly; but I will not allow this individual to hurt me any longer by taking that truly good part about me away, completely. Instead I will be all the wiser, shed the shame and heal this hurt that has caused me significant damage. With the Lord’s help, I know I will be STRONGER than I was before this mess came into my life. Just a warning: if you keep seeing instinctive red flags…TRUST yourself. Your instincts will ALWAYS be right about these types of people. The “new” sources of media, such as Facebook, have made it EXTREMELY easy for these individuals to thrive and find new ways and people to abuse. Also, this is a condition that affects both women AND men. I have always been a person of integrity, truth and a good judge of character; but this experience has taught me that even the “strong” ones can be taken advantage of by the likes of human beings who are not well. They are masters of manipulation. The stronger you are, the more of a challenge you present. I will continue to inform and educate anyone I love and care about to the information I find to be helpful and even life saving. So, you have just been schooled. Please always be AWARE. I will keep you posted on what my decision will be regarding FB. I have been wanting to start a blog as I really enjoy some of the creative ways to communicate thoughts and ideas. As you all have seen, I have begun creating things through paint to get these ideas and thoughts out to you. It has been EXCELLENT therapy for the wounds that are being healed. Have a lovely evening and much love to you all <3

I got many good responses and support for my doing this on FB. My intention and reason for doing this was because I needed to make it public. My shame has been in private. Also, I hope it may help someone who is bogged down with the shame I was. Hopefully, they may see themselves through my words and get help like I have. Just about nothing happens to only one individual. This abuse happens all the time and is more prevalent than ever. The only difference is, it has NEVER happened to me. Getting the information out there is all I can do to pay it forward. I have FINALLY stopped crying about it and will not rest until I am COMPLETELY healed from this ordeal. I now realize it was not me, but him who needed help desperately. I am at the point where hurt and tears have now been replaced by anger and strength. I WILL make better boundaries as I want this to be THE last time I allow one of these predators an opportunity to fool me again. He has threatened to “make me famous”, but my sheer will is no longer caring about the threats. If he dares contact me again, I will only text this response,”Do not contact me ever again. I will take a snapshot of your words and this response and contact the police”.

I am FINALLY done and will pray daily for strength. I hope all you lovely ladies and gentlemen pray for me as well. This site has been a blessing as it was the first time I realized it was him and his sickness not me. I fortunately have almost two years worth of video, texts, and emails sent to me by this unhuman. I am NOT afraid to use any of it to protect myself and my Daughter. He will rue the day, he f*cked with me.