Before I do something crazy

Hello Friends!

I wanted to post here before I do something crazy like texting him. This past week and especially the past few days, I have been having some bad CDs. All I can think about is how wonderful this N is, he is now moving on with his life while I am still crying and hurting over him.

Just a brief recap:

- he felt like he was my bestfriend when we first met, we talked everyday for hours via video--we both live in different countries

- he sent me roses even before telling me he liked me

- then he kept saying he wants to be in a relationship but wants to see how I am in person. During one of my frustrations, I asked him where this was going, he said, "think of it like an investment, if you put something in maybe you will get something in the end or maybe not."
- 5 months in, he ended up sleeping with his ex whom he also claims a very good friend of his while he was talking to me

- the rest was really a year of mind-fucks as I clung desperately to him. I do own up to my part of staying for more abuse

Since disentangling from him, he has hoovered. However, ever since our last contact, I have not heard from him, nor has he heard from me. Nope, not even me peeking on his FB (I unfriended him).

However, I have been crying nonstop the past 2 days. I'm almost 50 days NC but I feel like I've been D & D'd again. It just hurts how they can just move on.

I'm just being honest with my feelings. I thought I was doing so well then, wham, the reality of me never communicating with him is still very painful. My world feels hopeless again and so dark. I feel like I am in this whole that I can't get out of.

I don't know if the death of my biological dad who was an alcoholic just furthered exacerbated my feelings of "loss" for the "what could have beens" or what should have beens."

Thank you for listening!