Obsessing

I have been reading. A lot. I just got back from a mini vacation on the cape. I tried once again to speak to NH about the divorce, he refuses to discuss it, will only say that he will not agree. It always ends up with him hanging up on me. He keeps asking me for sex.. To go over and just "be together".. Which means ..SEX. I have not gone. I always end up saying something about OW, which I think he feeds on, I can't seem to stop myself. Well, he told me he has known from beginning that she is 'crazy'. The last time I was there, I saw a card she wrote a few weeks after they got together.. Calling him her soulmate, object of her affection, love of her life, that she can't wait to grow old with him, wake up next to him every day for the rest of their lives. The N laughed about it and said "pretty scary, huh?" .. I don't find this funny, I have been thinking about it too much, thinking about how she is everything I am not, how I would NEVER say these things. Especially after a few weeks. It REALLY bothers me that he has yet to treat her like the shit he treated me. He laughs about how she is crazy, How he has known she is crazy from the start. He texted me yesterday, and THIS is NASTY.. saying "I am balls deep right now.. In crazies ass". I have been having nightmares about her. I can't stop crying. He is soo SICK, and I feel that I am the only one he shows it to. Everyone else thinks he is WONDERFUL. I am resentful, angry, bitter. I am tired. I really feel that it is draining everything I am. It's been a year since we split, 4 mos with OW. I know what he is.. WHY am I so jealous of OW? She is VERY unattractive. I want to be in the place I was in a few weeks ago before I was hoovered. This SUCKS so bad that I almost want to just say fuck this it's not worth the money and just be done.