Sending Christmas email

I am not looking for TLC.. I need to post so I don't send him Christmas email. I thought I wanted to do this so I could bury the hatchet ,so to speak , with exN. But I realize that part of me wants to keep the door open. This is my next hurdle. To get rid of this false hope that I can have platonic friendship with him. Is it holidays triggering me? Because its a chance to have an excuse to break NC and convince myself I HAD to send him holiday greeting? after all he was important to me at one time. And it would ease my guilt of breaking NC bc after all, it is Christmas?

And I reading this book about being aware of signs from God , the book has stories of people who have eerie coincidences that are deemed signs from God. I do believe in that. But I think I talking myself into interpreting any coincidences of exN as a sign I need to contact him. But my realistic side knows if these are signs from God, it means that I will be ok and i on right path. they don't mean that i should contact him. The book fed into my false hopes I guess.

Thanks for listening.