Sad Again?

(2 days from an official month of NC)

Oh I was so happy with myself, feeling like I was out of the darkness. Then, out of nowhere (pmsing?) I'm sad again, and crying again.

I don't get it. I know the grieving is at least less and less, with more good days than bad, but the bad sneaks up with no rhyme or reason. Then I fall back into old thinking habits of going through all the different crazy things that happened with the N, and 'pretend' conversations as well. Obsessively crafting the perfect one liner 'in case he calls' (which he won't, because he never gave me enough thought to even hoover after the brutal D & D).

My first goal was to make it a whole day without thinking about it and crying, which I achieved this past week.

My second goal is to make it a whole hour without him invading my mind in one way or another.

My third is to finally get rid of the awful sinking feeling (with his name on it) in my stomach that constantly follows me around.

I'm looking forward to the day when my memory of what he looked like, smelled like, sounded like will be so faded it won't elicit emotions anymore.

"I know somebody and they cry for you
They lie awake at night and dream of you
I bet you never really know they do, but..
Somebody's cryin'

I know somebody and they call your name
A million times and still you never came
They go on loving you just the same but..
Somebody's cryin'"

-Chris Isaak

note: I don't dream of HIM--I dream of the 'good' illusion of him.