Relationship with the pathological narcissist-- in a nutshell.
Relationship with the pathological narcissist-- in a nutshell.
Fantasy/Pretend Guy Phase:
You have just met and he has swept you off your feet. You can't believe you have finally met Mr. Right, where has he been all your life? He takes interest in everything you do, very attentive, showers you with gifts and compliments, calls you all day long, spends hours making love to you until you think he is the best lover you ever had, tells you that you are his soul-mate and this has always meant to be, IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU.
And what do you do during this phase? You let down all your defenses, give yourself to him and tell him how wonderful he is. This is what he needs and wants to hear.
Relationship Phase:
After the initial phase which lasts until he has you hooked, you are now in a relationship. This could mean that you are now boyfriend-girlfriend, engaged, married, or moved in together. Now it is time for a little reality.
Gradually the mood starts to shift. You notice some things, big and/or small but he is not looking like the man you met. You tell yourself that the honeymoon phase is over--now you are in a relationship and sometimes that takes some work.
All is No Longer Paradise Phase:
You start to notice more things. He says odd things sometimes. You wonder why some of his friends no longer talk to him, or why he can not hold on to a job. He always has money problems and this is putting strain on your relationship. He may drink too much or be involve with drugs. He may have some odd physical ailments that he always uses as a crux. You notice that he does not have a good relationship with anyone in his family and says bad things about a lot of people who were part of his past and are no longer in his life.
You become suspicious that some of the things he tells you are not true. You notice that he turns his phone off a lot. Sometimes when he is out you can not reach him. Some of his stories do not add up. You start to believe there could be someone else and do a little research.
You may find out there is another woman or that he is not the person you thought he was.
The Confrontation Stage:
You confront him with some of the things that displease you. He can not take criticism. He may or may not seem to get angry. Perhaps he will give you the silent treatment, not take your calls, leave and disappear for awhile. You have just had your first devalue & discard experience and are very confused.
Sick & Distraught Phase:
You do not understand what has happened. You try to figure this out. Were you wrong to confront him? You want to work this out. You remember how he used to be during the fantasy stage. You miss him terribly. You would do anything to take back what you said to him. You decide to try to work this out, whatever the cost. You call him and apologize.
Or.....you do not call him and he calls you. You are so happy and relieved to hear from him that you take him back with open arms. All is forgiven.
Cycle Keeps Repeating Itself Phase:
Now you are back in your relationship and the above cycle and phases keep repeating itself. Except the wonderful guy you first met is gone forever. After the first d&d it will never be the same again. You have been taken off your pedestal forever and N will never look at you the same way again. The days when it was all about you are gone forever. If you are lucky you will make it to the next phase which is the....
Realizing & Accepting he is a Narcissist Phase:
What is wrong with this guy? By the time you have arrived at this point you KNOW there is something very wrong with your man. You do your research, read books, go on the web--he is a NARCISSIST. You find out that he is not a human being, you are a victim and all he wants you for is narcissistic supply.
You are shocked and sickened by this knowledge. It is hard to accept. You are grief stricken by the knowledge that the man you have loved and given so much has conned you and never cared. You struggle to accept this. It is too difficult.
You look for every reason to believe that this can not possibly be true. Everything you read tells you NO CONTACT.
You may go backwards and feel you must contact your N to validate the relationship and prove to yourself that this could not be true. You must not go back and repeat the earlier phases. The realization phase is the MOST DIFFICULT because you must accept what happened and that is painful. You must internalize this knowledge and act upon it.
The Anger Phase:
If you have reached this phase then you are on your way to healing. You have ACCEPTED the truth which was unbelievable and unbearable. Let yourself be angry. Relive it all in your mind. It will help you stay away with the toxic narcissist.
Moving On:
You must let go. You will never forget what the narcissist did, but you will accept that he he mentally ill and will not get better. You must forgive yourself for being vulnerable and HUMAN and letting this happen. You will realize that you were a victim, this is a bad and evil person and there will no longer be a place for him in it.
Once you have let go you may be lonely. You must get to know yourself again. Forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong. You had an experience with a bad person, but there are many other wonderful people in the world and you have your whole life ahead of you.
That's exactly what I
why we miss them
In the nutshell with a nut
Monsters
Now I understand why he said
That wasn't him
I'm going to be the one who ends up alone."
WOW, Cynthia
Glad I helped