Why

I'm taking the advice from everyone here and I'm just going to post whenever I need for someone to tell me I'm not crazy. This isn't really about the N but I know it's part of me figuring out why I allowed it.

Why?

Why can't my family - my blood family ever be here for me? I'm 55 years old and have been there for everyone my whole life. Why? Why can't someone be here for me? Why can't anyone understand that he has truly broken me as nothing else has?

Why do I hear "you should have never" or "you are allowing him to do this to you" or "you had no problems telling someone else it was time to end it why can't you tell him" (this from the "drama queen" sister who has never had a worried in her life or had to work or worried about paying a mortgage).

I went back to work today after being out for the past week - heard a Christmas song on the radio and burst out sobbing and had to go home.

Why wasn't it true what he said? Why didn't he love me? Why wasn't I enough? I gave him everything I had to give.

I truly need someone to just be here for me and it's sad that the only people that I feel truly understand are total strangers. I have my counselor once a week, but sometimes I need (wow, yeah I need) someone right now who I can cry to and who loves me and supports me and doesn't say "you should have never"....

I still have not gotten to the No Contact stage with my N husband who has left to head to the mountains. I've written my letter since there is no way of having a rational discussion where he actually listens to me on the phone. Why do I feel guilty about sending the letter? I wouldn't send the letter if he would listen to me and really respect what I say.

Thank you all for being here.....