Idealize, Devalue

I had written on here before about a guy I was seeing who disappeared for 2 months to go on a juice cleanse. He ended up reappearing after the 60 days wanting to see me. After being completely off the radar for 2 months, he pursued me relentlessly and when I didn't answer text messages within a couple of minutes I got numerous question marks sometimes 3 times in a row. He wanted to talk on the phone every single night for hours. I told him it was going to take a while for him to re-earn my trust and he assured me that he wasn't going any where. He did a total blame shift and made it seem like I was the one who had broken things off with him.. when the last time I saw him I was left sobbing on my front porch telling him I wanted him in my life and I cared about him.

We made plans for Saturday night.. Saturday night rolls around and he can't hang out because he's "sick." I got upset at first, knowing he was lying.. we had talked on the phone until 2 am the night before and he was fine. When he got upset with me, I immediately started acting very caring and asked him if he wanted me to come over and take care of him. He said no and he was going to go to sleep. The next morning he immediately tells me he reconsidered having me in his life.. admitted that in the past day he had re-signed himself up for a dating website and wasn't dating anyone yet but wanted his options open.

He said he didn't love himself and couldn't understand how anyone could love him. He said he thought he might be bipolar. He said he needed to keep his options open for dating. This is after DAYS of relentlessly pursuing me.

I ended up going over to his place to talk things out in person and he looked me square in the eye and told me that "he knew I wasn't the one for him, and he couldn't explain it he just had a feeling." When I started to cry he handed me a box of tissues and asked me if I needed any. We had stopped being friends on facebook but he wanted to be friends again.. he said he wants me in his life. He kept saying I liked him because he was " different than other guys." Right before I left I jokingly poked fun at him for always being so controlled and meticulous. I brought up a time when I sweetly made his bed to surprise him and he pointed out that I made the bed wrong instead of thanking me. He immediately came up behind me and pushed my head down on the bed and said "don't forget who's in charge." I thought it was sexual foreplay because at times our sex can be a little bit crazy.. but he immediately pulled the draw string tight on his pants and said "no, not any more today.. next time."

I recognized all this as a complete Idealize, Devalue cycle.

This was all last Sunday and I haven't heard a peep from him since. Luckily I had therapy this week with an AMAZING therapist who helped me to understand that his behavior is definitely abusive at times. She told me not to beat myself up too much for this happening again.. and that I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt becuase I'm such an empathetic person. I know he has A LOT of family problems and self image issues.. he admits this..

*Sigh* I hate to be back here again, but until I can start not only see red flags but emotionally understand them and walk away.. I cannot move forward..

Thank GOD for you guys and therapy..

Love to all!