Do I Have a Problem?

Often, I've been wondering if I am the one with the problem. I've been looking at traits of NPD/Borderline women, and I feel like I've done many of those things when I was still with the exn and friends with n's.

This is going to be a bit (ok...well a LOT) of rambling because right now I feel like I don't know which way is up. I know the main times when I exhibited these behaviors was when I was trying to maintain my boundaries or trying to figure out exactly what the hell was going on or having to forcibly remind myself that what was going on was very, very wrong.

My behavior was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and sometimes I was pretty juvenile. I knew that if I tried playing a battle of wits with these people that I would always lose. So, I would put my foot down in an abrupt and, to the outside view, probably childish way. It was almost like I couldn't explain why it was wrong; I just knew that it was, almost a final resistance.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself; it is difficult to be involved with one of these people and still act 100% mature and sane 100% of the time, but what bugs me is all these (former) mutual friends now think that I am an insane psycho-bitch. From outward appearances, it probably would appear that way. The N's are calm, cool, and collected, and I ,on the other hand, appeared to be irrational and hysterical (these are, I believe, traits of BPD..

One specific instance was when I was talking to my former best friend about the things that had happened during the course of my relationship with xbf. I was finally seeing the light; it was clicking now that NOTHING in our relationship had been right and that he was a complete and total asshole. I didn't quite see through all the lies yet, but I just knew what had happened to me was wrong. And boy, did that make me angry!!! She, of course, is shocked and downplays what happens, and, to make matters worse, goes and tells xnbf what I said about him. And, of course, he gives a nice, tidy explanation and makes me look crazy. This same sort of pattern has played itself out with the other n's in my life. So now I'm left wondering, am I just someone who likes causing drama or did this really happen to me? Was it really as bad as I thought it was?

Everything inside me says a resounding yes to that, but it's difficult when you have all these people who think such awful things about you when they have no clue about what happened!!! It shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but that's something I'm working on.

Sometimes I wonder if I could have ended things better, but I realize there is not a "good" way to end a relationship like this. 99% of the time there are going to be negative reprecussions. I've been called rude and childish for abruptly going NC with the n's in my life, so the fixer in me automatically tries to find a solution to make things better. And, it's as if I'm the one being abusive by giving them the ST, which supports the claim that I'm the one with the problem.

Maybe I am giving too much weight to what others say/think about me and am not giving enough importance to my truth. Any sort of outside insight is appreciated.