FB Obsession

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 1 - 9PM

Kelly

FB Obsession

I swear FB is the devil! When we first broke up and I was in the "Oh, he just needed to blow off some steam, give him time he'll realize he was overreacting" stage, I kept him on my fb, but didn't really look at his profile.

Then, when he wasn't trying to contact me after a couple of weeks, I began to check his profile compulsively for any changes. I was also worried that HE would delete me.

I would check his profile literally fifteen or more times a day. Just to see if he was still on my "friends" list.

When he went off for a family vacation and someone had posted a pic of him an his family on his page, I realized, I don't want to see these pictures! I don't want to know where he is or what he is doing or who he is adding. HOW DID I BECOME A STALKER?!!!!!

So, I deleted him and sent him a message saying something like "Breaking up was the best thing we could have done for each other and I don't think we should have this kind of access."

But, I STILL kept checking his profile! I could type his name in and he had his wall and info displayed for EVERYONE to see.

Exactly two months after our breakup, after him telling me how good he felt with me and how wonderful and special I am, and how he's "not going anywhere," and then how he said "It takes me at least three months to decide if I want to consider a girl I'm seeing a girlfriend" - - he changed his fb status to "In a Relationship" and posted a picture of him with his girlfriend.

I made a calender from that day and started a count off for days I did not check his profile. It's been two weeks. I still have this CRAZY URGE to check it though! Everyday I fight this urge! It's insane! I know he's a narc and possible psycho - - not diagnosed of course, but after my experience with him and knowing about his past from what he told me, I'm 90-95% sure. At the very least, he did abuse me, manipulate me and D&D me, which is reason enough not to want him back.

It's just all I can do to stop myself from looking at his stupid fb page! Sometimes I log on to this site, JUST to help myself fight that urge!

I have a lot of time on my hands. Still unemployed and it's tough enough for me to get cracking on creative projects without this anxiety and mental distraction. I've always been a bit OCD - nothing severe like washing my hands fifty times a day, so this has become a problem. It's so embarrassing!

I want to stop thinking about him, but he's still on my mind when I wake up and before I go to sleep! I hate him so much! I wish he would call me, just so I can ignore him. I want to send him a letter or something to let him know that I know he manipulated me and that I think he's scum, but I know that would only make him feel good in his sick way. I would be giving him exactly what he wanted.

When will this obsession end? How can I make it end? I want the control of my life back!!

#2 Feb 1 - 9PM

ForeverLearning

Spend at least 1 hour here every day the next 3 months

This is real quick advice and sorry I can't write more at the moment - but everyone here has experienced what you are currently feeling. Time and knowledge are the only remedies for this kind of agony. I hope you will continue the Yoga and all your other outside interests along with coming here every day to read some of the message board (fellowship) along with some of the technical scientific articles (wisdom/knowledge) for at least 1 hour a day if possible. Along with following Barbara's advice. I don't know of any other cures, - it is simply a matter of time that is needed to calm you and heal you. You will find peace, just give peace a chance! (As John Lennon would say!).

#3 Feb 1 - 9PM

MsVulcan500

Block him.

Block him on your FB. Then if you have any mutual friends (I have 2 with mine) any posts you put on their walls don't show to him and his don't show to you. It's like you both fell off the face of the earth to each other. Even if you don't have mutual friends, he can find your profile just like you can find his. But not if you block him. Test it out with a friend. I did. Then tell yourself that if you unblock him, he will know because your posts or profile will show to him again. Then he'll know you're playing games and thinking about him. That is what I told myself, and while it was hard to not peek, I felt so much better just getting some distance. And if you unblock him, you can't block again for I think 48 hours. So it's not like you can unblock, take a peek, then block again right away. It took some time, and sometimes it is like an alcoholic looking at the vodka bottle, resisting that drink. But after time you will find that you are caring less about what he is doing, and if you like you can make up your own stories about what he is doing. Maybe you can think that he is already D&D'ing his gf, or they are fighting, or he lost his job. Maybe you can think he got a ticket or better, a DUI. Or maybe you can think he was chased down the street by a rhinoceros. I know it's really hard, but anything worthwhile is. Just be strong and when you get the urge to look, come on this site and do some reading about why you don't want to look. After you get some distance, you will find that you don't care so much about what he is doing, you will just be happy he's not doing it to you.

#4 Feb 2 - 1AM (Reply to #9)

curlygirl

Thanks MsVulcan

I really, really needed to read your post today. I'm having a hard week after doing much better, progressively better over months. Today I had some weird pangs and they hurt like hell. The list that you wrote: "Maybe you can think that he is already D&D'ing his gf, or they are fighting, or he lost his job. Maybe you can think he got a ticket or better, a DUI. Or maybe you can think he was chased down the street by a rhinoceros." ALL of that happened (except the rhinosceros - and it was the drunk tank, not a DUI) to my ex within a year of his beating his ex wife over the head with his "new, perfect" relationship with his "ideal woman." Hard to believe it now, but that was me. Four months into our relationship, after she had moved away and the divorce was final - the withdrawing, the drinking, the nitpicking, the over-reactions, the jeckyl and hyde insanity began. Since we broke up he has now also lost his job. He's probably five months in with his "new, ideal woman" and I wonder how many nights of my NIGHTMARE relationship his ex wife went to sleep thinking that he was happy and that I was getting the "good parts" of him. The good parts lasted about three months with a whole lot of crazy thrown in even when we were "honeymooning." Tonight I'm going to assume that his new ideal woman (assuming they're still together) is starting to wonder where the sweet, interesting, even-keeled man she was crazy about has gone. Better yet, I'm going to assume that he's got a skinful and is standing in the street yelling at passersby, about to be arrested. Or wondering how he's going to pay his bills. I was the new ideal woman who was getting the "best" of him once - it didn't last, he won't change and I'm missing nothing. I'm the only one who can perpetuate the hurt now . Curly.

#5 Feb 1 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

Barbara (not verified)

narcmagnet

do NOT do it - it will be contact and set you back with your healing. how's therapy going? if you think you needs meds (low dose, short term) then get them! It does end... like a drug addiction it's hard to kick. Sandra Brown, MA has an inpatient program in Florida if your insurance covers it. Consider volunteering - just go to the Food Bank for the day and see if you can help pack some food boxes, or go to a shelter and ask if you can take a dog or two for a walk... you'd be surprised how welcome even drop-in help can be... and its very good for you to be OUT of your home. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#6 Feb 1 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

Kelly

Therapy

I think I need a new therapist. I didn't like what he said at my last session with him. Real blame the victim mentality. I could see his point, but after learning what I have learned about narcs and abuse, his analogy of the walking alone in a dark alley, just hurt me more than helped . . . I know I have been manipulated by a narc/psycho (and other narc's and abusers in the past) and maybe I could have been less trusting, but at some point, isn't it okay to believe the guy you're dating? I see my friends in happy relationships that started out with the same intensity as my relationship did and it was ok for them. I asked my therapist if he thought it was ok and he told me it is fine to get swept up in romance, but to stick to my boundaries. . . Boundaries and romance seem a bit incongruous, so I guess I'm confused. If you're attracted to each other, and you've been on four five dates and the tension is building eventually, things will get physical. At some point, you do get intimate, which is what the narc wants. How long do you wait you know? Is there a two month rule, three months? A lot of the women on this site talk about how they knew their narc sometimes for years! Friends first, through work or band or neighbors. How could they have known? Anyway, point is, the therapist made me feel like I've just been naive and that I have learned a valuable lesson in dating and that I should move on and make better choices. When I told him I didn't want to end up with a laundry list of guys I've had sex with, he actually said "Well baby, that's what dating is in this society." REally? SOOO Helpful! GEee I couldn't figure that one out myself? Really had to pay you $75 bucks out of my unemployment check to learn that. . . About fb blocking . . . That would mean I would have to look at his haughty fb picture again and I've been so good for two weeks. Also, if I block him now, if he has been checking my profile, he will see that I have blocked him right? I don't want him thinking at all that I have been thinking at all about him since my last contact which was just before New Year's. I like the thought of making up stories about him. And it's true, he can't keep up the mask for long. If she is like me, just a good girl he picked out to suit his needs, I hope for her sake she has the courage to run. Even after just two weeks of dating him, he started saying hurtful, impulsive, weird things that would come out of nowhere and apologizing immediately afterward. He's a real freak. He's extremely good looking now, top of his law school class, got a great job, but most of his life he had a terrible skin condition that looked like the Phantom of the Opera mask on half of his face. He was brutalized as a child and couldn't get a date until he started looking good five years ago. He said it faded, but I looked up the condition and I think he lied about that too. He must have had some laser surgery done! Also, when I did look up the skin condition (after the breakup) it said online that it has been known to cause severe psychological and emotional development problems. No wonder he had to make it clear to me, unprovoked mind you, that he is "normal." Actually said that. . . Lol! And I remember thinking at the time . . . hmmm you know, when someone has to SAY he is normal . . . 99.9% of the time . . . It is a sad story for him, but it's no excuse for his behavior and I think he would have been a narc anyway because his family is so screwed up. He told me he had a crazy uncle who did "bad things," he's got a crazy overbearing mom who sounded like an N, emotionally detached dad. Rich family always got what he wanted, never really had to worry about money or about taking care of himself. Silver spoon brat. His mom still picks out his clothes. . . I really didn't need that in my life . . . eeewwwww

#7 Feb 2 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

Ellen

narcmagnet

Hi narcmagnet, I would change therapists, just cos he's a man. If a man has hurt you and you need to recover i'd stick with women. Also therapist or not they still have their life experience and that will be of a man living in a world where they are taught social rules and one of them slipped out when he made that comment to you ............baby. He was probably reliving his last encounter lol. I knew my exN for 27 years but i didnt really know him at all. I knew his mask only. I idealised him myself. I don't think it's about the length of time you know them it's about when you hit that level of intimacy. It must be cos i was holding back for so long. I remember his saying that i had a problem cos i would let go and be close to him. He said 'jump in' kind of thing, into the warm water with him, imagining some lovely tropical pool, still and warm etc.........you get the picture. So i tried to let go more and to deal with my fear of intimacy after my bad previous relationship. When i had got past that and had moved to another level with him. After i had my little girl and was content he moved on to someone else. This was after asking me to marry him and we could spend the next 30 years together. It's not so much what that means that hurts it's the fact that it was said cos it gave me an idea of how he felt for me. That meant it left me all the more shattered. It's all too crazy

#8 Feb 2 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

Kelly

Sick MF$#%

They are sick sick!! In maybe a twisted way, I need to remember how much he had to lie to get me to feel secure. I asked good questions and he lied. Pathological A#$% I know they can't all be liars, but it's just too crazy that ALL of the guys I've been with have lead me on (except, thankfully for my first bf.) And I truly believe at least 3 of them to have been actual Narcissists! It's been making me crazy to think about where I've been going wrong. What rules do I follow? I'm reading all the books and articles I can get my hands on (except for Susan Brown's book, because I can't find it ANYWHERE and I'm not going to purchase online) I'm hoping I will get better at least at spotting them. It's just a scary thought that I could end up married to one and not know. Then it's just having the strength to get out once he shows his true colors! It's a Freggin' jungle out there!!

#9 Feb 2 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

narcmagnet

Sandra Brown, MA does NOT sell WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS anywhere in a brick & mortar store. It's online only. Period You should probably get a copy of her HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN first. And talk to your therapist about repetition compulsion (repeating bad patterns in relationships) ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#10 Feb 1 - 11PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

narcmagnet

Therapist does NOT get it about pathologicals. That's clear... NEXT!! You need a trauma counselor: http://ptsd.factsforhealth.org/help/ ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#11 Feb 2 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

4joys4

It's so much like any

It's so much like any addiction. I used to call this love but I realized I didnt love him at all but was attached emotionally. I did what you did in the beginning too. I'm sure a lot of us did and do. My kids kept asking me to try Facebook because they live all over the map and said this is how everyone keeps in touch. Last week I gave it a go. Well, it was like opening a door. Good people came to my door from the past, but so did people I didnt particularly care for. I guess they figured that 20-30 years have gone by so we could be "friends". I felt very exposed and deleted the account. I know there are privacy settings but it made me feel vulnerable. Before I deleted the account my exNs daughter contacted me and told me all the bad things about her father. I saw I could easily get caught up in triangles and dysfunction. So that was another reason. Accepting it is an addiction of sorts I am working on keeping it far from me. It's very difficult sometimes.

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