Read book again

I read book again. I am PMS, I feel like I am missing out on something because he is gone. My emotions are scattered about, ups and downs. NC for 6 days. Right now I am crying, I haven't done that in a long time. Crying over the guilt of the affair with N. what the frig is wrong with me. N told me during a breakup argument that I was just as wrong and two faced as I accused him of being, because I cheated and deceived my H just like N cheated and deceived me. I can't shake that off. I stooped to his level and he mocked me for it. I could see the pleasure in his eyes when I didn't know how to respond to what he said. I was always the innocent, rule follower to the letter, sweet...until he broke me n manipulated me. Excuse my saying this but I FUCkING HATE HIM....I am so angry at the moment...see how I get all twisted? My feelings change in a millisecond. I hate him for what he has done. I will never be the same. This will affect every relationship I have with anyone, family, friends, coworkers...I have so much guilt and embarrassment and I feel it is written all over my face in huge letters...I CHEATED, I AM A WHORE, I LIE, I DECEIVE, I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON...that's what I feel is written on my face and screaming out at people. I am so ashamed. What is wrong with me posting prior that I want a Hoover from this evil freak. Why would I want to mock my family again by wanting a Hoover? I am so pissed, I have such a long road ahead. I try to understand the disorder. But I know his last D&D was calculated and he wanted to hurt me. I know that. Someone at work mentioned N to me, and the mere mention of his name made me sooo anxious and sad. It was a year ago this week that he first D&D me, and as you all know is, it was traumatic. My therapist said I had PTSD from it. I have wasted soo much time on this moron. I am so angry and scared because I feel helpless. I don't want to hurt anymore. And I am tired of being angry and wanting revenge on N. thank you.