Forgiveness...why is that so hard??

I haven't been on this site in a while...

I needed time away. Sometimes this site is so helpful and I get so much out of everyone's insight, but then there are times when I worry that I become too dependent...or that constantly checking in keeps me trapped in my story and prevents me from moving on...

Does anyone else ever feel that way???

Sometimes I read self-help books like crazy...then I feel overwhelmed and worry that in my quest to grow and heal, that I'm spending so much time and energy on actively healing...that I'm not living. That in my desire to heal...I am remaining stuck in the problem.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense. All I know is that I have good days, I have bad days...then I have GREAT days...then I have hellish days...

One area that I am having a very difficult time is with forgiveness. The anger and the hurt eats away at me...and I know in order for me to forgive myself for mistakes I have made (mainly allowing someone to treat me the way my ex did...and wasting so many years grieving over him)...I need to forgive him. Not condone or say the way he treated me was right...but let go of the anger.

My problem is when I try to forgive or let go of the anger...I fall right back into the "I miss him," "He was good to me in the beginning," "he's not really a bad guy, I was insecure and needy," "maybe it was all my fault...he's not really a narc..." and other damaging self-talk.

First of all, how do we forgive someone who has in a sense destroyed our lives, self-esteem, trust, and broke our hearts? He has no idea the damaged he has caused, nor does he care. There has NEVER been a slightest sign of remorse... The only time my ex EVER apologized to me is when I first caught him cheating and he begged me to take him back (Incidentally....three years later HE dumped ME...for being insecure...about his cheating.)

Secondly, how do I NOT turn it back on me? I have the worst habit of trying to see the good in him and remember the good in our relationship, which causes me to miss him and inadvertently, causes me to beat myself up until I'm depressed in bed for three days feeling like I somehow ruined the best thing in my life.

I don't want to carry this toxic anger around anymore. Anger is hurting me, not him...but how can I forgive him when I miss him all the time and NEED to be reminded of how badly he treated me in order to maintain N/C?

Seriously, there are days when I feel like I'm going to DIE if I don't call him (It's been one year N/C btw)...then other days I consciously say "I never want to see his face again" Why do I keep going back and forth like that?

Why is it so hard to let go????