Things I Know

My head is spinning so bad. (you know Spinning really had a thing going when she used that as her screen name) I have realized how grateful I am to be alive, but I dont want to live. What I mean by that is, I am grateful that B didnt kill me, that I was able to get the kids out of that house, give them this time they have had where they laugh and giggle and run and play. These past months have been some of the best in my life when it comes to listening to thier giggles or feeling their hugs and smelling thier little heads. My children have been able to be children. My children have been able to let go of all that fear that they had of what the outcome would be from their next move. And for that I am forever grateful.

I know now that there is no answer to the stupid "why" question. I also know now that it doesnt really matter why he did it, it just matters that he did and it never has to happen again. Now this is where I get scared of the never happening again. I am so fearful of him, so scared of his power that it is truly hard to believe that he will not touch me again that I will never have to feel him inside me again, never have to hear how I screwed this up or screwed that up, or "What were you thinking"

I know now what real love feels like, the love that all of you have given. I know what it feels like to have someone believe in me that I will make it through this. My therapist has been there for me in ways that are above and beyond her job description. She picked me up off the floor this weekend when I could no longer move.

I know what it feels like to have a support system, I know what it feels like to finally "tell". And I know what it feels like to have the police not turn their back. I know what it feels like to sit in a court room so scared, ready to puke, legs bouncing a million miles a minute and I know what it feels like to have the DA Victims Coordinator put their hand on mine and say they will protect me and I am safe.

I know what it feels like to have the mind blowing heart breaking experinece of seeing how quickly another woman can take your place and how little you really did matter. I know what it feels like to sit with the realization that ALL the things done to you where not done in love, where not done to "just make it better" did not accomplish the "if I only try harder" I know that ALL the things that were done where done because they were. Plain and simple, they just were. I have a hard time accepting that, but I know that the things that were done were not because of me. Because I didnt do it right, because I am so broken. I know that everything that was done was because it was done. And thats it.

I know that I will never be able to go back and love him enough. That is just an impossible thing. I know that my love was meaningless and his love wasnt real. And I know how much that fucking hurts to know.

I know that I have lived in fear for so long that I dont know how to not live in fear. I know that I let him do things to me that are unspeakable. I know that my body has been so damaged so degraded and made to be so disgusting. I know that I want to let that go. I know that I have so much pain inside me that scares the ever living fuck out of me, but I know I want to let that go too.

I know that I have finally come to a place in my life where I cant keep saying it was my fault because it wasnt. I know that saying that doesnt make sense to me, I know that I could write a million words to counter that statement and tell you why it was my fault, but i know that will do me no good and I need to just know that it wasnt my fault. And I know that saying those words hurt and they make me cry like I have never cried before. I know that saying those words bring up so many questions and so much pain, but I know those questions wont be answered and dont have to be answered. I just have to know that it never has to happen again.

I know that right now, today, I want to die, I want to kill myself so bad that it is hard to breathe. But I know that I have to say no to that because my children need me. And i know I wont be my mother and put myself first. I know that I am struggling to function right now and I know how much pain I am in and how peaceful it would be to just give in.

I know that this isnt going to be better over night. I know that I have a lot of damage to heal. I know that I have to find strength inside me to fight and keep fighting even when the days are as bad as this. Because I know that I made a commitment to my children to give them a life I never had.

I know that I dont know the answers to who I am yet, I know that I have people that tell me I will get there, tell me someday I will know why I didnt kill myself today. I know that I really need that to be true.

I know that my mother, Richard, my brother, and husband hurt me in ways that seem un-repairable. I know that I was just a little girl when all this started and I know that I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted to be enough. I just didnt want to be "in the way". I know that I wasnt enough for them but I also know that I never could have been enough for them. And I know because people have told me that it isnt my fault that I wasnt enough, even for my mom.

I know that the pain is so overwelming that it is hard to see. But I know that I have to keep opening my eyes. I know that I so desperatly want to give up but I know its just not who I am. I am a mommy, I know that, and I know that no matter what has happened to me, who has touched me, who has destroyed my soul, I am still a mommy.

I know that I am grateful for this site and all those that have reached out to me. Letting go of it being "my fault" has to be one of the most painful things I will ever do. I know that I will continue to try to let that go and I will try to understand. I know that I will keep telling myself that it wasnt my fault even though that makes it hurt even more right now. I just hope that someday I will know that what I am saying is true.

Thank you all for your time and letting me post. I just thought I would write some things I do know that are good things to know, instead of all the horrible things I feel that cloud my head.