Mutterings....

I lost the trail of intellectual bread crumbs from the kitchen to the computer, so this may seem like random mutterings, but it will mirror my emotions. I have been a full 7 days NC and looked forward to pumping my fist in the air some time today. Instead I found myself oddly disconnected from all around me....functioning on a socially acceptable level because I have to, but wondering what happened to the private me...or the real me? I could view my professional side with a sense of detachment and pride, that I haven't lost it on some poor sucker who looks at me the wrong way in a traffic jam....but the inner world...WTH?

I had an emotional puzzle here, I was fitting things together, maybe sometimes jamming the pieces together cause the color was similar, then I looked away, and somebody messed up my picture! I feel like I did when my dad passed away 4 years ago, like I was walking through wet cement...somehow moving forward but aware of how deliberate my movements were. I thought of the movie "Sleepless In Seattle" when Tom Hanks was talking about grieving and having to remind himself to breathe in and out, then comes the time when you don't have to remind yourself to breathe in and out. I started reminding myself to "breathe emotionally" and acknowledge the pain and the loss....that there really was a torpedo that ran through my heart.

Yesterday was a good day, I was focusing on what I could do, what I could change, how I could express kindness that wasn't afforded in my previous relationship with that N. I hooked up my iPhone in the car and rocked out while driving in to work. Today....I get accomplished what is necessary, then I find myself overcome by sadness, sitting on the floor crying and asking who moved my cheese? My inner world doesn't reflect the outer image I allow everyone to see. Emotions are like Scrabble pieces...how many different ways can you spell anger? How do you spell relief? And how in the heck did I get my hair to work out when I feel so crummy? (I need to take notes on that).

Right now, I hurt...and I'd like someone else to feel hurt, too. Although a N is already in a world of hurt, they just don't recognize the reality of functioning at such an animal level. I, however, had front row seats to the most disgusting, fascinating (in an objective "Social Work" kind of view), confusing, and painful 3 act play that I didn't pay to see. This bites, because no one is offering to give me tickets to another show.

The human condition sometimes sucks, and I just wish someone would put my cheese back where they found it. Or buy me a new one...with crackers.