3 weeks NC! - processing...processing...

I never thought I'd be able to put three weeks together. Of course, I never thought I'd snap out of the stooper I was in when I actually SAW OW. And I did, after I found this site and went back to the therapist.

I never thought I could get in a meeting I needed to be in without throwing up at the mere thought that he MAY be there. But I did. With this site, support and my God.

I never thought I would have moments of peace. Some nights where I slept well and awoke without thoughts of N or OW running wildfire in my head the minute I awoke. But I did. With this site, support and my God.

I never thought I would be able to navigate the feelings and emotions I knew would hit when we were on our little vacation and I just sort of knew N would be there. But I did. I faced them all. I let them all process. It sucked. I wanted to run ... really bad. I drew on prayer and support. And me and my boys had a great vacation in spite of N and his bullshit games.

I NEVER thought I'd get validation. I never thought any of this would even START to make sense to me at all. To a point where I could start to shift my focus from the mess, the N, the OW, and all those thoughts, why her? why not me? wtf is with him? etc. etc. But I got that validation. Supersized. It was like an out of body experience. I saw it from the outside.

I am experiencing alot of sadness from what I saw. Sadness that I allowed that to happen to me. Nothing really to do with OW. I just sort of looked at OW like.... wow... so that's what I looked like to others. I looked like I didn't value my own self enough and therefore let someone objectify me at great depths... WOW!

I looked at N like WOW. You really are a Narc. REALLY. Normal people do not do what you do. And how shameful for you to drag another human down in to your souless hell with you.

I am so thankful that I have been released from that. I still have the same thoughts of revenge. I am just sort of shushing them off as they come. I still have thoughts of the OW here and there. But I am shushing them off as they come. And I still have some thoughts of shame on myself. But I stand up and I said, yup I did that. And I'm working on finding out WHY I did that so I don't have to do it again.

I am working on me now. I don't have any compassion for either one of them and I don't know that I ever will. I would be satisfied if I could get to the point that I just really don't give a shit any more. I don't give a shit what happens to him, I cease needing validation that he is suffering (cuz he isn't, cuz he can't...), cease needing validation that karma caught up with him.

But for now, this is where I'm at and it is tons further than I was 3 weeks ago and I feel pretty fucking good about that!

Round3

And just as a sidebar note, N and OW left early. Me and my friend in the cabin next door watched them pull away. I know it's wrong to think it, but sometimes I get to thinking, HA ... that fucker left early with her cuz he wasn't getting source from me with his little show on the beach and he is repeat strolls past our cabin and my kids. Or ... I think N told OW they should leave cuz he felt like he was being stalked....by me.... his crazy ex!.... I don't know if either of those is true. I think the first thought is not based on comments from Hunter and Goldie. Like N is not capable of thinking that much in to something. I'm not sure. Maybe he took her home cuz the ground was too hard to f*ck her on with a limp dick. LMAO. I don't know. ...

these are all just the random thoughts I am dealing with.....

round3