Beating myself up!

What a mess.

Was a whole 67 days NC and in the real world I hadn't any inclination or desire to contact him in any way whatsoever.

But I wasn't in the real world. I was sad and lonely and very very vulnerable and had just treated myself to a bottle of wine.... and I text him.

Had the sense to use an old phone that the contract was due to expire on, but still I can't forgive this stupidity.

Just said I felt sad we couldn't be friends. Yet I KNOW... I KNOW why we can't be friends. He's at worse a psychopath, at best boring as hell with his relentless stories of self pity and bizarre lies of ridiculous dramas.

Well, my text opened the floodgates didn't it. He saw his "right to reply" as he hasn't had any contact details for me for 7 months. Got a stream of abusive texts, constant nastiness about my beloved kids because I wouldn't kick them out for him. Stating that he would have come back to me but I never asked !!!!!!!! (Was that during his engagement to OW or after she dumped him??)

Just nasty.

I destroyed the phone after wasting 2-3hours on this.

But I can't forgive myself. All my good work is undone. I have made him think I care. I have let him hurt me again. I have even analysed myself to death and concluded that now I'M the one who's done the hoovering.