So scared...

So, i was NC for three months and was so depressed and anxiety ridden that I couldn't stand myself anymore. Although I knew on a cognitive level that breaking NC was not a good idea, I did it bc I felt like "if I could just have some occasional contact with him then maybe the anxiety & depression will stop". Well, initially it did help a little but he has been more distant, colder and even more withholding & horrible to me than ever before. I know I set myself up and am back to fucking hating him. He makes me miserable!!!! I am terrified of going NC again bc of how bad the anxiety gets. Maybe I need meds?