Has He Changed?

are you in therapy with a Trauma Counselor? You need to deprogram because it sounds like you still are somewhat 'Trauma Bonded.' http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/03/abusive-behavior-have-they-really.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/emotional-memory-management-positive.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/10/girls-guide-to-avoiding-emotional.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/11/if-he-really-wants-to-change.html http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/18/married-n-and-waiting-good-times-return he may be on his best behavior with the GF for a while. Once you're apart - watch this change. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

Gaslighting, verbal abuse, threatening behaviour are not things a person does only with certain partners. That is his character. It is who he is. Doesn't change just because he's with someone new. She'll get the same from him that you did. Maybe she already is. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. It's hard to look at things objectively when you have feelings attached to something. Listen to what the people here tell you. They can see things from an outsiders perspective, not clouded with feeling, and can give you REALISITC perspective. He has not changed!

Hi, hikejunkie. We seem to be taking a parallel journey. I too have been married for thirty years and am just now filing for divorce. Twelve years ago I tried to divorce him, and allowed myself to get sucked back in by guilt. We also co-own a business wich made it harder for me to get out from under -- and impossible to come even close to going no-contact. He hasn't laid a hand on me since 1990, but since taking him back he went into high gear to destroy the dreams I put on hold to build his business. He also very slickly tried to destroy my children because he knows how much they mean to me. Sometimes I think we want to believe they've changed as a defense mechanism. It's one thing to get over the notion that you wasted a few years of your life on someone evil... But thirty freaking years?! Not easy to swallow. I think the more devastaion they leave in their wake -- the harder they have to work to prove to the new woman... that it was you not them. You and I both know that any change in behavior they exhibit is only temporary -- a show to keep their prey in line. We know this. He's only stepping up his game because there's a woman out there (you) with a thirty year history of him... and his abusive ways. He's never going to change. We can. And we should be thankful that we didn't continue this mistake all the way to our graves. Can you even begin to imagine spending your Golden years with that asshole X of yours? I can't. One thing that separates us from them, is the ability to learn from our mistakes. Please don't doubt the lesson it took the bulk of a lifetime to learn. Fuk him. We deserve much, much better than they will ever be able to offer. Stay strong, hikejunkie. And I will too. We'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other -- and eventually the fog will clear. There are better days ahead, than the days we're leaving behind. Lots of Love, Patsy

The psychiatrist I saw, told me: "A person can change behaviors, but not their personality." So, your husband stopped beating you 10 years ago! Beating is a behavior. He changed his behavior because the consequence of beating you to him (NOT YOU) was that you would divorce him, thus, causing him financial discomfort & loss of a housekeeper, as well as, a punching bag. At that time it was in his best interests to stop the behavior of beating his wife. However, his abusive personality was still satisfied by threatening, gaslighting, and verbal abuse behaviors. So did his personality really change, or did he simply abandon a behavior (beating) which was an expression of his abusive (possibly narcissistic) personality disorder? Don't kid yourself. As for new woman being swept away on vacations? Whatever. Once she's hooked, he'll start his abuse. Maybe not beating because he learned with you that beating his woman can cause himself some discomfort. Not a good behavior. Look, as a toddler, I stuck some toy in a light socket. I was really, really small. But, I still remember. Too much discomfort to me do that again. Do you think I ever gave a thought that I could have short-circuited the whole power system in the house? Do you think I gave a damn as to the consequences to the house? Nope. Just what I wanted to do caused me too much discomfort & I was not going to do that again. You still don't really know him for what he is. Because you are still thinking that you somehow deserved his abusive behavior. If you were just better (like new woman) you, too, would have been whisked off on vactions. If you had been better . . . you would have changed him (just like you imagine new woman has). Stop that. No contact. Do not know what he is doing with new woman. You & your lawyer get as much money & compensation as you can. Delete his file. Don't waste another precious moment on this jerk.

...she hasn't run away screaming yet doesn't mean that things are ok. Someone who is physically violent?? No way are those kind of people truly capable of real change. Because it's hard for you to grasp all this doesn't mean you're not smart. It's hard for any of us to wrap our head around very abnormal, disturbing behavior...and that's a good thing we can't. You lived with him for 30 years, you filed for divorce recently. Unfortunately, there is not quick fix to this. Healing takes time, work, and commitment. There are lots of recommendations on this site on how to help your recovery. Please keep reading...and hopefully, you have a good therapist who gets this stuff.

So, you are wondering if he has changed. And of course you are curious about whether he changed - you were with him for 30 years! He was a large part of your life. It is natural you are curious, now that he has a girlfriend that he "whisks" away on trips..... it is natural you are wondering what is going on with this man. Wondering if he has changed. Lets pretend you had a project you worked on for 30 years, say restoring an old car. And for the 30 years that you put all your energy into the old car trying to get it to run right, it just never did. It gave you a terrible electric shock sometimes when your turned the ignition key to start it. It sputtered and died out on you at the worst times, like when you were trying to get onto the freeway - a dangerous time to have your car die out on you! So finally after all this time, you got REALLY PISSED OFF, and you said, after 30 years - to HELL with it. I'm selling this damn piece of SH*T car. For 30 years I tried to get it to run right, it never would, so F*CK it. I'm done. But then after you sell it, you find out something really strange. You hear that the person who bought it, is riding around just fine, - heck, they even take it on long trips. It leaves you scratching your head - what the hell did they do to get the car to run right? What did they do that I didn't do? Bottom line - you may never know. And damn it, who cares!! Another bottom line - it doesnt matter anymore. You have to focus on your new life, your newfound freedom, peace and happiness, and on ENJOYING IT. Or you will remain unhappy, even with the bastard GONE. The truth is, I'd bet the farm that this car is going to conk out on the new owner (girlfriend)sometime down the road, at the worst time, and she too will want to sell this car. Just a matter of time. Let's hope she abandons this old junker on the side of the road and they tow it to the scrap yard to be crushed so it never harms another driver again! hee hee. By the way......I can tell you why he stopped hitting you when you threatened divorce 10 years ago. It's because THAT IS HOW PSYCHOPATHS OPERATE. He did what he needed to do to keep you back then. So the physical abuse stopped. You said the gaslighting and mental/emotional abuse continued. I'll bet it increased quite a bit since he couldn't get away with hitting you anymore. And I'll bet it sucked almost as bad, if not worse. Headgames hurt alot too. They make you question your sanity and your entire view of the world. I know, I lived it too. Bottom line, he is a manipulator. Honestly, he is most likely ONLY taking the girlfriend on the trips TO PISS YOU OFF AND HURT YOU. She has no idea this is his motivation for the trips. How sad for her. Don't believe the fake show of happiness they will put on for others, hoping the news will trickle back to you. It is all a sick lie. Thank God you finally got out of his clutches and are now free to experience true peace and true happiness. God bless you!

Hi, Well he hit you for 20 years. I wouln't care less if he changed. I'd be glad that whatever he was doing that it wasn't around me.............the evil coward.