why

I have been doing a lot of thinking, ive been avoiding my life for along time. Trying to pretend its someone elses story just so i wouldnt feel the pain. Even when i posted my story on here it was pnly about a one time event. No where close to what ive really been through. A really good friend of mine has shown me that she loves me even tho she knows 70% of my story, she still loves me. She has also shown me that i can trust all of you. Even tho i fear that if i tell you all i will get a pm saying i can no longer be part of this family. My friend has shown me different. So hear i go. Should i loose you all, please know the help you all have given is forever in my heart and someday my children will thank you...
I was a five year old little girl when my grandmas handy man started to try and "fix" me with his red toolbox and the tools inside. I tried to tell my mom and she told me to shut up and quiet lying for attention she deserved to have time without me. I want this man to fix me. As much as what he did hurt me, i wanted to be fixed so my mother would love me. But one day he told me "your just not fixable, your too broken" and he left. There were many nights i begged him to come back in my mind. When i was ten my older brother was trying to figure out his own sexuality by using me. Oral sex, sex, me doing it to him, being forced to watch porn..and after every time being told how disgusting i was. I once again tried to tell my mom but was shut down hard. My dad just left. He was never home and when he was home he wasnt home. When my brother came out and told the family he was gay my mother said it was my fault that i fucked everything up. I couldnt understand why i was so broken. I joined the military when i turned 18total and thought all was finally going to be better. I met a man who could sing and play the gutair like no other. He married me and moved me far away and then beat the ever living fuck out of me for a year.
I came back home and life just got worse. I was raped and instead of the man being convicted i was charged with filing a false police report. It pays to have money i guess. Things were at their worse my granma died, the only one who ever loved me i was hospitlizex for suicide attempt after suicide attempt and then i met him... i wanted to be loves more than anything i he said he would. He said he would love me the way i should be loved. But he didnt or i didnt get fixed or i was truly unfixable. He once tried to use a baseball with me and when it wouldnt work he beat my arm until the tendon was completly detached. And that wasnt a bad night. I let him do things unimaginable. He sold me for sex for fucks sake. I know that i should be grateful to be alive. I look at people like goldie who have had it way worse than me and i see thier strength and i would do anything to feel that.i know i am lucky to survive and that there are many that dont. But i feel like my body sirvived and my heart, soul and mind are dead. I just want to be a survivor.. i dont want this to be my story.
Why couldnt have he loved me like he said he would.He promised. I wanted so much for it to be true so i could have finally felt loved and not broken. Why take someone who was so fucked up, promiye them the world and take it and so much more away. I didnt think i was asking for a lot and igave him everything. Why? This is something that hurts and i dont understand. I know its going to take time, i just need to know why, why take someone with nothing to offer and completly destroy them?
I am really sorry if i have posted too much and i understand if i am too fucked up to be welcome on the site anymore. I just thought if i was honest and finally admitted that this is my story i might be able to find out what was so wrong with me, why am i so hard to love? I always thought i was a giving person that loved with everything i had. I guess my everything just wasnt enough for him.
And now i am fighting a battle agaisnt him and either way i fear he will kill me when all is said and done. I just wanted a chance. And when i found this site i thought i might have one. But i cant get better if im not honest. Im so sorry if i upset or offend anyone, that truly isnt my intention. I just need to know why.