ExN Getting Remarried

Hello, I read your story and commented on it. I would like to say that my mum and dad have been together for 44 years. I remember his parents telling me in one conversation i had once (I don't know them) that his GF before my mum left him saying that he never talked to her. My dad is ignorant unless he is putting on his mask out there in the world. Well my point is that the woman who left him could have thought that he was then happy with my mum and wondered why it didn't work with them. The truth there is that she had a lucky escape and maybe married a nice man and had happy children whereas my mum who married him had me and i hated him the nasty narc..........cheers mum for your great choices.......you could have done with talking to the ex hey mum! So they have been together for a long time. poor mum now knows no different. Also my exN and i had known each other for 27 years before we got together. I thought i was the one for him cos he was my teenage crush, i watched him get married and got on with my life. He told me how he cared for me years later but that he didn't have the confidence to tell me bla bla. Well got straight with me after he left his wife and then left me with a baby that i would have had at any time with him so she was meant to be. You see i thought he was a certain person and didn't know he was a fake........i fell a long way on this discovery and it's been hard....with the help of these ladies on here i am dealing with the shock. So a real man would have loved me years ago told me and not married someone else. Your ex has done that to this woman and it doesnt matter whether he leaves her or not. You have witnessed his behaviour so you know that is what she is in for. Even if she never sees that for years you know that is in him and he can't hide it forever. He was emailing his mum telling her about his little escapade. That is what he can do.........that would be no man for me not now.

You wanted something he can't give you and he won't give her either. It is easy for me to say there will be another happy day I am not in your shoes. I have been in a similar place and felt even more betrayed when my ex married before the ink was dry on the divorce. I was devastated even though he was a monster. His second marriage didn't last, both lost their jobs, and he ended up in a mess alone and poor. Your ex's new bride had a lot of betrayal issues with him and then married him that isn't smart. To get back into the lions mouth the second time is courting disaster. Who knows what their agenda is with one another? Betty Broderick, a woman from San Diego, put her husband through law school and medical school When he became a forensic lawyer, at a huge salary, he dumped her for a younger woman. Betty is the subject of a movie on vengance and constantly thinking about the betrayal. She did some drastic things and maybe the movie would help put this in perspective for you. Your life is more important not what you think their life is. You are free, no one can replace you as a mother, and you have a new life and new opportunities. You should be angry but anger has to have a 'shelf-life' you can't harm yourself physically or emotionally for this guy. I had someone explain the technique of mediations and affirmations when I was where you are now and it seemed crazy and/or silly. In 22 days it started to make a difference. Here is a meditation you can read in the morning and before you go to sleep: I am freed from all resentment or attachment toward or from emotional pain, people, places, or things of the past or present. I manifest my true people, I am receiving all the unlimited health that the universe has for me now, and I am blessed with the true prosperity and riches that the universe is sending to me now. Some affirmations that you can say all day: I am at peace with myself and others I release these thoughts for my own well-being My mind is calm and relaxed I renounce the past There is a great book, tiny but powerful called "Weight Loss for the Mind" by Stuart Wilde. This book is great for the place you are in now. Your real life is coming and it is right around the corner.

Left you a message on your "story". Barbara can exchange our contact info, if you're interested. Sometimes you just want to vent with someone that understands what you've been through. At least we can talk to each other when we feel like screaming our heads off!

Mine did similar to me except fortunately I didn't marry the idiot. The trigger for him was babies. He was all things wonderful until I gave birth. Then when my nurturing turned to our first born instead of him and he couldn't cut it as a father, he started screwing around with younger women at his work, he screwed one in an alleyway on the night our 2nd D was due to be born - charming indeed! yet the next week he stood with tears in his eyes holding my hand through her traumatic birth - FAKE! I asked him once what was wrong when he turned away from me and the bastard said 'well, would you want to have sex with someone who was fat?', this was a few months after giving birth (before I discovered his infidelities). So I kicked him out and he became a show dad, showing off the kids at the park and using them to get dates, never paying a penny support of course! A work colleague of mine called me one day to ask if his sister had been visiting because she had seen him at the zoo with a young girl all walking hand in hand with my two toddler girls. Sickening! These were some of the ways he tried to F**k with my mind and huge helpings of verbal abuse too, he loved to call me a fat c**t - careful not to do it within ear shot of anyone else. Finally he met present wife and they married just over 2 years ago and he seemed to settle and played the part of perfect husband and happy families with our girls. For some time I thought perhaps it had just been me that he had loathed so much BUT...present wife had a baby one year ago and guess what???? Poor woman is still holding on to the fantasy that everything has been resolved and he just had a 'slip' because a silly young girl at work had flirted with him - DUH! But I know without doubt that he will do it again and again for this is WHO HE REALLY IS! She will wake up eventually. It is the same with your ex N, these guys DON'T change. They postpone behaviours for a while but just like the myths of werewolves and vampires or jekyll and hyde they have to become who they really are eventually. Perhaps your ex's trigger is a baby coming along too so just watch the fantasy life all crumble when she decides she wants children. He already abused this woman by leaving her for you and then marrying you and she waits for him - sick! What does that say to him about how much he can get away with there, observe and he will be walking all over her soon enough, he's just reeling her in right now. Try to get strong now for your little girl because when she is older with a mind of her own and he can no longer mesmerise her with ponies and kittens, she will start to see the 'perfect daddy veneer' peel away. My two girls are witnessing this at the moment in their dad and it is so very painful to witness their hurt and see their innocence disappear. These men are evil. You will get over this in time, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with and about him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

One day you WILL be glad he's gone. Not yet but one day. As your life moves on, and for me this was slower than I wanted and it's still work in progress, you will concentrate on yourself and realise she will get all the awful stuff one day, as that's all he can offer in reality Your daughter is your daughter nothing will change that. His relationship will fail in time, but by that point you'll be beyond giving a stuff what his life is. Obsessing is horrible, I know, but I think that's part of the healing process. Just think you will have the chance to be happily married when you're ready, he will never have that opportunity, nothing will work for him it's all a facade to cover up his empty rageful envious interior. She has got all the awful stuff to come, then the long healing journey. Better you've started your healing journey now.

This is the man who told your father after you married him: "Now she's mine." I read that in your story. Once he's bagged her, he'll turn on her. He was Prince Charming in your story until you married him. Marriage is this guy's trigger. Why didn't he marry her years ago? Who knows? Who cares? Prince Charles made the same mistake about Camilla. (Not saying Charles is an abuser. But he was pretty shitty to Diana carrying on with Camilla behind the Princess's back.) I bet you your fella was carrying on with GF all these years. Maybe Platonic phone calls, e-mails. Maybe not Platonic. Who cares? Please don't. It's over. She's not going to get all that is best in him. A man who demeans, controls & humiliates (as in your story) cannot NOT do that. If it hasn't already started . . . it will. Be glad he's marrying. It will take the heat off of you. He will abuse her instead. You need to disengage. It is so difficult. I know. (I lay away last night two hours with intrusive thoughts about my soon to be ex-husband.) Mine had a new woman move into the house I co-own with him still within 4 months of my leaving him. My stuff was still in the house. He refused to permit me entrance into the house I co-owned & changed the locks (all illegal). She was living with my possessions for awhile. I have often wondered if they are happy. But, I know in my heart of hearts . . . she is enjoying her honeymoon. I am sure the devaluation & (the threats of) discarding her will start. It's about 4 months now for them living together. He will buy my share of the house very soon. The Separation Agreement is signed. He has no power over me to intimidate me & bully me anymore. He knows now I will never answer another e-mail or take a call, property division settled. Mine has to go nowhere to with with his need to abuse women except his NW in the house. These guys are serial bullies. One woman at a time in the house to bully. Mine . . . your's CANNOT live alone. Why? It is in the fabric of their being to abuse . . . they need a woman to abuse. Without the object, they are nothing . . . an abyss. The abuse defines their being -- their identity. Their identity is not the nice guy. Nice guy is a mask. The only true emotion felt by a Cluster-B personality disordered man is anger & rage. Everything is an imitation of emotion. He may end up going abroad again when he & his new wife are arguing so much. Mine did this to his first wife. Before I left him, he started to make plans to work abroad. "To take a break" from the marriage. He told me once that he threw his wedding band from his first wife in a lake because he was so angry. With me, every once and awhile, he would take the ring off & give it back to me or leave it in a bowl with his car keys. About once every 4-6 weeks. Trust me. He will start in on her. Sooner or later. Maybe her fall will be greater because he seems to have idealized her out of all proportion over many years possibly. She is to be his salvation. I do not want to be around when he finds out that he still feels lousey because he's a whack job all on his own. Trust me, she'll be scrubbing toilets & vacuuming at all hours of the night just like you were. SHe gets a big & expensive wedding because he has money now. When you two first met it doen't seem that you had money. You went to Vegas because you agreed to that because he wanted it. Now he's rich & wants to show off a fancy wedding. Trust me. This is all about him. He does nothing that he doesn't want to. Mine was upset that I didn't want a fancy, flashy engagement ring. I wondered about that. I know now . . . my wearing a big ring was a reflection upon him. Made him look good & would something that I would have to show "gratitude" for. Mine was big into "gratitude." Even gave me dumb gifts I did not want . . . but I had to be grateful. Feel sorry for this NW. Her time will come. You're free! YIPPEE!! Not your problem any more. Now he's her N! Now he's her Sociopath! Let her be his punching bag.

YAY! He's going to be someone else's problem. Talk to your therapist about all of it ASAP ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website