do they ever regret ditching you?

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October 24, 2011 - 3:23pm (Reply to #28)
Lisa87's picture


Each time you go back it is quicker and worse, I mistook it that he missed me, god, thinking back, he had NS when he first started to D&D me, I was living with him, well it backfired cause he was wooing her and she had no idea about me and when I caught them, she took off and wanted nothing to do with him. Didn't know what NPD was at the time. I took him back 2 months later on a trial basis, that lasted another 7 months and I left him again. Hoovering attempts worse and worse, he couldn't handle being discarded so he was planning revenge for a very long time......I will be glad to say he never got his revenge, he tried but I blocked and went NC and the first sign of his old behavior. oh but yes he tried again and again.....he won't be trying anymore...he tried to get the best of me but I let him have it where it hurt the most : ) I don't think I will be getting any more hoover attempts now.
October 24, 2011 - 1:52pm (Reply to #27)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You know, long before I knew

You know, long before I knew anything about NPD the true nature of that sickness...the xN's idea was to get separate places...when I told him I wanted more than that, meaning, I wanted separate LIVES (in other words, buh bye asshole)...he changed his tune to...I want us to still date each other, still be a couple. I declined and began making arrangements to leave him for good. I knew right then and there that suggestion he made about still seeing each other was his way of setting me up to dump me without having to deal with the fallout...we were living's more traumatic emotionally for both parties when they have to split an entire house and life spent together there than to merely blow someone off who's living elsewhere... He wanted to take the easiest possible way out, with ZERO regard for me..or even any intention of continuing on in a relationship...I knew it, I declined and made it my mission for the next two months while I lingered in that house as long as I possibly could, to make his life absolute hell on earth. Mission accomplished! :D
June 26, 2011 - 10:50am (Reply to #24)
mystwoman's picture

I agree 100%. Xnh would only

I agree 100%. Xnh would only take me back so that he could dump when HE wanted, and when it was under his control. Everything with xnh is a competition, and he's always "keeping score". He is angry to this day that he came home after cheating for the final D&D. However, it was ME that threw him out of the house that night (he says "for NO reason". lol). He wanted to dump me, screw around with OW, AND live in my house for a while so that he could shove it into my face and mooch at the same time. This is exactly what he did to his first ex-wife (including he threw her out of her own bed and made her sleep on the couch while he did all of this - asshole). In addition, xnh is very angry that I went NC, and will not have anything to do with him. He keeps telling people that he just can't understand WHY I won't "friends" with him. Maybe because he's a narcissistic, abusive, lying, cheating sack of shit, and those particular features are not on my list of what I consider to be the traits of a "friend"? rofl. The only reason xnh would want me back into his life would be to suck me for some more NS, and then to dump me in the most cruel way he could possibly think of while HE was in control. It won't happen. I'm NC and it's permanent with him for the rest of my life. As for xnh ever regretting that he dumped me as a, he won't. He may regret not sucking off me for NS when his sources are low, but he doesn't regret ditching me as a person. I'm just another toaster is his life that didn't function up to his unrealistic, illusive narc specifications. I'm now on the trash heap just like all the other toasters he's abused for not behaving how he wanted. However, at this point, I'd rather be in the dumpster than in his life. At least it's peaceful here. I climbing out into a better life on my own terms. I know what xnh is truly is like now, and where I stand to him. The best part is that xnh is NOT anywhere around me. I'm rid of him, and free to move onto a happier future :)

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

October 24, 2011 - 9:51pm (Reply to #25)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Okay, do you want to know

Okay, do you want to know just how sick, controlling and generally f*cked up the xN was? He could remember the dates (as in calendar dates)...when I last performed sexually for him. Oh and sex had to be couldn't be spontaneous...E-VER. I felt like I was at the gynecologist's office, THAT is how clinical and contrived it all was. I won't get graphic, but it was not exactly the kind of stuff that makes you walk around thinking..."I can't wait to have him again" was more like..."shit, better do something before he starts whining about his sore prostate". I used to schedule it on the days I cleaned the toilets.
June 25, 2011 - 1:51pm (Reply to #21)
ValiditySeeker's picture

Finally Free

Yes, yes, yes! This. It's like they have a mental score card. You leaving them adds point to your side. They want you back to dump you (more harshly than you did to them) and then achieving points for themselves. All a game. All about winning. Whatever it takes to even the score if not outscore you, their opponent.
October 24, 2011 - 1:48pm (Reply to #22)
badjer's picture

I completely agree. Again,

I completely agree. Again, my mother read him like a sheet of glass and she said "he would love nothing better than to get you back just do dump you in spectacular fashion and even the score." Because that is what it is about - keeping score, being ion control, winning, winning the argument, the whole damn thing. Then when the game gets too dangerous for them or they feel they have won 100%, they are off. It makes me sick and red with anger but I have to let that go……I know I am worth one thousand of him…..I come from a good family, he is trash made good……I own m own home, I have a wealthy family, I am ambitious…..he can go take a running jump off a short bridge. I pray that I never, ever see him again and if I do, I will just smile an ambiguous smile and walk in the other direction. Bitterness is not good and means he has won……so…….let it go. xxxx
October 24, 2011 - 2:02pm (Reply to #23)
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

Sometimes the best way

to win the game is not to play. Your mom's words are dead on, and I hope you don't ever give him that chance. Cause if they crush you once, twice, then each time is going to be more devestating than the last. It is almost as if they fine tune the art of destruction.
June 25, 2011 - 11:53am (Reply to #20)
Used's picture


this is a good point...but he would have to be very quick about it... i planned what i was going to do to i went back[after his ow told me about them] all sweetness and light and forgivness.. i then d/d him 3 times then then 4th time...i done it for good...he kept screaming you have f;;king used me[how many of us have said that to them]you have used me...i said you dont own me you dont control me..i never went back....and dont plan to, but thankyou for your reply.
June 25, 2011 - 8:39am
deecbee's picture

Nope!!! Not possible. Any

Nope!!! Not possible. Any sign of them "missing" you is just them needing something from you at that moment, be it someone to talk to (or talk AT, I should say), or a favor. The N saw I was giving away backstage passes to a music festival in his area on my FB, and he texted me (after weeks of silence) "So Im not even free ticket friends with you now?" I laughed and replied, "Nope, that would involve you being my actual friend and not just when it suits your agenda." He said- "Oh, its fine, I was mostly just 'busting your chops'" Can you believe the nerve of this guy? They are shameless and only use people as objects to suit a particular need. THAT'S IT. You are there to do favors for him and if he has to pretend to care to get what he wants from you, he will.
March 7, 2009 - 11:12am
Carolyn's picture

There is a famous true story

There is a famous true story movie about a con man who dates a woman, talks her into liquidating her assets, and joining him in a hotel in a major Texas city for their new life together. She had her mother with her and waited for hours in the hotel lobby and he never showed up. She realized that she had wired all of her money to him after selling her antique store and had literally put she and her elderly mother on the street penniless. She got a Private Investigator to help her and they tracked down the narcissist to a city where he was working on another victim. She followed him from his motel to a nearby Mall and confronted him. He had no idea who she was? That is how little investment narcissists have in other people. Carolyn
March 7, 2009 - 9:14pm (Reply to #14)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Narcissists are Con-Artists

Carolyn - Wow, unbelievable story, but so typical of a narcissist. They are the quintessential con-man. I should say con-artist because they perfect this like an art. There are many famous examples of con-artists: Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich who tried to sell Obama's senate seat to the highest bidder and Andrew Madoff who made-off with people's life savings after conning them. Unfortunately, there are too many to name, but we know who they are.
March 15, 2009 - 12:55am (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


IMHO Madoff is a sociopath... the far end of that Cluster B Scale. One of those sub-criminal sociopaths that destroy lives without killing anyone.
March 3, 2009 - 7:31am
Carolyn's picture

do they ever regret ditching you?

In my experience they only have regret if they need you for something. After destroying you they will call you out of the blue and want to talk, show up at the door with their suitcase, try to borrow money from you-it gets comical the farther away you are from the painful part. they are emotional vampires and just come by when they are 'hungry' Carolyn
June 25, 2011 - 9:24am (Reply to #12)
agnesmurphy17's picture

Regret Loss of Usage

The only they they regret is the loss of using you. but if you have been discarded, then he feels he has extracted all he can from you. Unless there was a seemingly better victim out there & then the victim turned out to be useless. I left mine. He started with a NW immediately & she made a lot more money than I. So he ignored me. But after 4-5 weeks with her, he learned that she was not giving him any money. (The first hoover attempt under the guise of love letters to me & neglecting to mention his new found love & relationship.) Then he got her to move into the house & learned that she was not going to by fixtures for a house she did not own, &U she was not going to be a co-owner in a property which he bought with his soon-to-be ex-wife & she had zero money because everything went to her childrens' tuition. (The second hoover attempt professing deep love & call off the divorce--neglecting to mention that now his NW was living in the house with him.) A few weeks before out divorce date in court, he called seeking reconciliation. (Later I would learn that he called me 32 hours after NW left him. And after he phoned me that night, he called NW trying to reconcile with her.) So, what do they regret? The regret not having you to use & exploit. But once they are set . . . you are thought about as much as a bartender thinks about a lemon half after he's squeezed it & tossed it into the trash.
May 28, 2008 - 5:05pm
Lisa Scott (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Re: do they ever regret ditching you?

Originally posted on Nov 15, 2007, 1:56pm Massagelady - I'm so happy for you that you're with a good, decent and caring man right now. They do exist! Please keep sharing your story with us. It's very inspirational!
May 28, 2008 - 5:04pm
Moderator (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Re: Are they ever really done with you?

Originally posted by: massagelady1 on Nov 15, 2007, 2:05am Yes mer, The best revenge is living well! I am glad that you understand so well what they can do. I have recently dated a couple of Ns and found that once you understand how they work you wont fall for them like you would have in the past. I have even found a man who really likes sex , and guess what ! he says the biggest thrill is pleasing me! This is not a man that I would have been attracted to in the past He is not handsome, exciting, dangerous, or charismatic as my ex ,I am attracted to his kindness, generosity , interest in my family, his tact and sweet temperment.My stomach is not in knots , I dont wait in misery waiting for the phone to ring , afraid that he is mad or losing interest. This is the most stress free relationship I have ever been in. I am not in torment when he is not with me. I can patiently look forward to our next meeting . I know that even if we drift apart , It will be a toleraable kind , and respectful seperation , not the horrible , theatrics, the Ns put us thru.I could have been with him 6 years ago, but I was to busy trying to change my N I am having fun again ,and have reunited with friends and family I thoughtless discarded in favor of my N whom I was addicted to. I ran into his "Best friend'yesterday at the phone company.He waved and smiled broadly at me . This is the man who helped move him out of my house. I cant imagine being nice to some man who would have thrown out my best girlfriend . He would have stopped to chat if I wasnt busy with the phone salesman. When he left, he turned around in the parking lot outside to wave goodby! Strange!! I am sorry that you are still hurting , It is so hard when we are chemically bonded with them, they really get under our skin. I know how adorable they can appear . You will probably realize someday if you havent already, that you were never happy during those five years, only waiting to be happy, and waiting to discover the magic words that would make him the lover he promised to be. I think part of the hurt is that we are still feeling partly responsible for the failure of the relationship, and are hoping for the miracle that will reunite us with our tormentors so we can get it right. I think that you will find in future relationships that the kindness and tolerance you have become so skilled at is better appreciated by a more worthy reciepient and not just wasted efforts. Does your N return from time to time? Does he say he wants to come back? or does he just let you get a glimpse of him? , and a taste of his charm ?, hoping to open up wounds and get you going again . I think that my ex N may want to do this. Hurting us empowers them so. Good luck and congratulations on your strength, and determination to make a happy life for yourself and loved ones. Someday you will wonder what you ever saw in him. I promise it will get better ,the longer you stay away.
October 24, 2011 - 2:01pm (Reply to #9)
badjer's picture

They love power….they love

They love power….they love using and abusing it….they love seeing you crying and vulnerable…..if you stand up to them (which I did in dumping him) I paid the ultimate price and got dumped in return after only 3 short weeks and two dates. hardly commitment from a man who was once pestering me to leave my husband for him and saying I was "the One" and it made him "feel physically sick" to think of a life without me!! Even on our very last date, he said he "needed more time". Presumably to punish me and make me squirm….HE needed more time? After the shit he put me through? YUP. Then I told him if we weren't dating I could go out and pull that night and he clenched his fists and said "that thought makes me feel physically ill". he got aroused when we kissed. And yet, we had "lost our spark" according to him when he ended it. There were "too many doubts". Yes! I had grown my backbone and he knew it! Too many doubts indeed. I was not being a doormat any more. 3 weeks. 3 WEEKS!!!!!!! Wow after trying to make me end my marriage for 18 months and twisting my head in knots, it takes him a measly 3 weeks to cut me in half like a piece of bacon…and a year later I am still without any real closure. Like, why the FUCK did he come back if he wasn't committed? Why did he tell me we were so great and he went through "silent torment" if he was just going to do that? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT ALL ABOUT? May he rot in hell. xxxx
May 28, 2008 - 5:04pm
Moderator (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Re: Are they ever really done with you?

Originally posted by: mer on Nov 15, 2007, 12:16am They miss you if you stop paying attention to them. Sometimes that makes them come back. Its a power thing. You suddenly have power, so they come back into your life to try to do something to disempower you. Then you are left broken and hurting while they run off and move on elseware. The good news is that they will never be truely happy. Its like a drug addict. They can get high, but its not natural, and the down is too difficult to look at so they don't they just run off for more high. They loose interest in you when there is no more game to play. The good news is when they are out of your life, you can do things to get your power back like exercise, eat right, set goals, get a facial, shoe shop, flirt, what ever gets you high naturally without a man. Hopfully one day, a good looking 'nice' one comes along, and you have studied enough to know the difference and snatch him up with your new relationship skills and fabulous positive energy.
June 24, 2011 - 9:10pm (Reply to #7)
HesAnOldWashedUpLoser's picture

I Have One Question

Does The Narc Feel Jealousy Or Hurt If He Sees You With Another Man Of A Higher Class Than Himself(well,at least he thinks hes above all others). Excelling And Dressing Better Than Ever, For Self (not revenge)? Im Not Even Trying To Get Even Or Revenge. Life Is Just Happening That Way For Me. Im Told That Success Is The Best Revenge. Im Not Seeking That. I Seek My Life Back(self worth). I Just Had A Question.
May 28, 2008 - 5:03pm
Moderator (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Re: Are they ever really done with you?

Originally posted by: Guest on Oct 16, 2007, 2:21pm Thank you Massagelady. I appreciate your words.
May 28, 2008 - 5:03pm
Moderator (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Re: Are they ever really done with you?

Originally posted by: massagelady1 on Oct 16, 2007, 3:00am When my N left , we had several prolonged weeks of his calling and being very hateful. Not once did he express regret in the ending of our 6 year relationship. He was only concerned that all of his possessions were accounted for. He also tried to talk me out of some of my things. He became fanatical in trying to persuede me into trading my beautiful kayak for his junky old lawnmower. He never in six years indicated that he wanted to go kayaking. I believe he was trying to impress a new N supply before he even got all of his belongings out of my house. I told him that we needed to keep our own things, he became enraged and called me 7 times at work that day to try to get that kayak, I had to take it to a friends house to get him to stop badgering me. All of his regretts were materialistic, I have since found things missing which he had to have taken. He returned a large bedroom mirror that I called him about just last week. I think he was stealing to get back at me as ,he had no use for anything he took.I believe that he is afraid what I will tell mutual friends and aquaintences. Everyone see right thru him as they have all had problems with him at one time or another . They all treat me so well since he left . Strangely, they tell me that he only says good things about me . I think he is afraid that if he says anything bad I will get to talking and make him look foolish or worse. He would especially hate to have me talk about his cheapness , his impotence, or his laziness . This would make him look less important to those he wishes to keep impressed. This N seemed to last about 5 years with each woman . It appears that he instigates breakups, and then plays the victem,after getting left or booted out. Repeatedly he has told me that "women always promise me that they will stay forever , but they always leave".Self fulfilled prophecy. My regret is that I took so long to kick him out. Everything he took has been replaced with something better . I have been seeing fun men I would have never met while I was with N . I was surprised yesterday with beautiful yellow roses !! I havent gotten flowers in years, and corney as it sounds, I almost cried. Please ladies, get rid of these guys so nice normal people will find you approchable. The happiness people told me would happen once I got rid of him is really beginning. I had no room or time for good things while preoccupied with N so I thought they didnt exist. I thought he was all there was for me. Boy, was I amazed to see the sun come out! Your Ns will never get better,I really know this now. It dosent matter if he regrets ditching you, or not .Try not to waste much energy mourning, pitying, or hating him, it only prolongs your pain, he will never change. You cant make a crooked stick straight!
February 21, 2009 - 5:19am (Reply to #4)
grossot's picture

this is way late... I've

this is way late... I've only recently come to terms with leaving my 7 yr marriage,12 yr relationship with my N. I think your N and mine could be brothers! You took the words right out of my mouth. After my husbands ego injury he came home looking for the oatmeal box of change we kept in the bedroom. It probably had 75$ worth of change in it. I had packed it away along with all my clothes, and family pictures ..... He came home rip snortin' mad tearing everything apart to get to the oatmeal box. He demanded to know what I did with it. I said, "I took down all our family pictures, and you're worried about 75$"???? He continues to look for it, dead set on it. I politely handed it to him. He can have everything... He's locked me out of our house. He showed me the mail through a glass door while I stood outside at night in sleet and ice. He thinks I'm stupid. He tries to get me to believe my credit's ruined for not making the house payment (I'm not even allowed in my house to get possessions). (I'm also locked out of the laptop with which I could make such a payment). He became unnerved when I took down our drapes. He said you want everyone on (the main rd.) to see (our daughter's name) run around naked? What? why is she running around naked under your supervision? Questions belittle him and drive him to the point of insanity. He seems to forget that I helped him buy a $250 cell phone (after the ego injury) which he proceeded to lock me out of secondary to me finding out about the affair via text on his old phone. Wow! after proofreading this, I realize, I really was stupid! It's healing to know someone else went through this. I only pray others could see my N for who he really is as you say happened to your N. Take care and thank you for your story.
May 28, 2008 - 5:02pm
Lisa Scott (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Re: Are they ever really done with you?

Originally posted on Sept 30, 2007, 10:59pm In their own strange way, narcissists do miss you when you're gone. However, what they miss is the attention you once gave them. They miss the attention a.k.a. Narcissistic Supply (NS). Unfortunately, NS can be easily replaced. They like their NS to be ever-changing and dynamic. They crave variety. It is inevitable that they will move on to different NS every so many years. Because they are usually charming, they have no problem replacing their NS whenever they feel like it.
October 24, 2011 - 8:37am (Reply to #2)
DLP75's picture

Thanks Lisa

Thanks for the comment Lisa. That say's a lot in a short paragraph. My Narc woman actually bought 3 houses to live in, not to rent, in 8 years, and anytime we would go somewhere on a weekend day, in the afternoon she'd ask, "What are we going to do now"?. It seems she always had to have something new. Ultimately a new man, because after 9+ years I assume (no closure) I was too boring for her. My definition was a "settled" relationship. Thanks again for the comment!