My Anger

I've been 26 months since the D&D, and 25 months NC. I was with xnh for 16 years and married to him for 8 years. Normally, my life is just getting better and better without xnh or his abuse anywhere in it. I'm usually stronger emotionally and much more positive than I have been in about 20 years (since before xnh). I'm pretty happy, and I enjoy my life since getting rid of the narc. Overall, my life is really GOOD now.

However, I still seem to have my "moments". Whenever I get really sick/hurt physically, have a really rough situation to cope with, or I get depressed, I sometimes find all of my anger at xnh welling up to the surface again, even after all of this time. This past weekend, I had it happen again when I was watching my beloved dog having Grand Mal cluster seizures over and over, and could not get any quick veterinary help for him. Apparently my "lovely" town vet's offices offer no local weekend emergency care for pets. It is almost 100 miles to the next town. This was very upsetting and scary to me, particularly since I just lost my other dog six months ago to a neurological disorder that paralyzed him while he remained fully conscious and aware. It was awful.

During my experience of watching my dog have repeated seizures, I felt very helpless and frustrated. I, also, found my anger at xnh rising to the surface again. Normally, I've continued onward with my happier life, and do my best not to focus on him. He is NOTHING in my world now. However, at times like last weekend during extreme stress, I find myself becoming very angry all over again at xnh, the damage he did in my life, the hurt he caused, his cheating, and his discarding me just like I was yesterday's trash. I found myself thinking along the lines of, "You son of bitch, xnh! How dare you dump me when I was 51 years old after 16 YEARS, leave me with your STD from your cheating, and then waltz around breathing air just like you're a decent human being! Why am *I* faced with starting my life completely over ALONE with major health problems and continuous disasters while YOU are off on vacation again fucking OW. I deserved so much better than how you treated me. I hate you! You BASTARD!" I haven't heard anything about xnh, or had any contact with him. I just know that he ALWAYS goes on vacation to hang off his mommy's titty over the 4th of July.

I know these thoughts are irrational, on my part, because there is no way in HELL I would actually either want xnh back in my life or to be on vacation with him. No way! My life is SO much better now without xnh. I'm usually just exhausted, extremely resentful, and wishing he would get some of the misery back that he's caused me. I'm still suffering from hardships. Why doesn't HE have to cope with the same? Personally, I'd like to see his little, tiny dick burst into flames and then watch him writhe around in eternal agony from it. I know it will never happen this way, but if I'm going to dream, let's dream BIG AND SATISFYING. rofl. It does appear (on the surface) that the Karma bus never seems to run over these narcs like it does the rest of us...and yes, I know it's only appearing that way on the surface. Xnh's whole life is pure "fiction" so who KNOWS the real truth about him? Maybe his little dick has burst into flames, for all that *I* know. I can only hope. lol.

My question is: Does anyone else here have these thoughts of anger occur when they're very upset or depressed? If so, how to you resolve it within yourself? I'd really like to get myself to a place where I don't boil up like this merely because I'm sick, stressed, or depressed. I'm well aware that I sometimes "maximize" problems when I'm emotionally at my worst. Everything looks black at times like these to me. Xnh is NOT worth the effort of ANY more anger from me (or anything else). He already took 16 years of my life, and I don't want him getting one second more of it. I find it most annoying that my thoughts return to that jerk when I'm already down. How do you re-focus (or re-frame) your anger away from the narc at times like this? Just curious. I could use some suggestions.