Why..

I can ask myself why, until doomsday. Why doesn't really matter. Right or wrong, I did what was right for me. He chose her. He chose her above me, always. He would tell me of how he wanted to build a relationship, but he did not even try. And all attempts that I made to do so, he avoided or ignored. Just like he ignored me. Oh and he would deny that, always. He was the one who came into my life..he just kept showing up until I noticed him. And so it went. We began contact. And he was so nice so kind so charming so caring. And I became very emotionally attached very quickly. It is said that if you are trying to rush things that you are being impatient and impulsive etc etc. But sometimes the heart just knows what it wants. Eighteen months later, many mistakes and much sadness eighteen months later and I still feel the same way about him. It is different now, though. I see things a bit differently now. I see that I did what I did because of who I am. I behaved irrationally erratically and abusively. I reacted to how he treated me. Sometimes he would contact me. I felt like I finally had the one thing that I wanted most. And so I would then contact him. No response. I would contact him again. No response. Huh ? why is he not responding if I mean so much to him. Okay, try again. And so it would go on five or six times I would contact him, before I got a response..of course by then I was so frustrated that I reacted abusively..he had ignored my attempts at contact and then deny ignoring me until I questioned ..does he really ignore me or am I just insecure..You bet I was insecure. Because that is how I felt. If he had cared if I had meant so much to him I would not have felt insecure or that I had to compete for him..he did not even acknowledge that. He seemed to have time for everyone but me; especially his female friends and her, in particular. I was not jealous of her. I like her she is very nice I'm sure. And he always had time for her, meanwhile, I am waiting for him..watching with my own eyes..and he would tell me that he was " oh so busy and he does not ignore me and please don't be aggressive with me "..Whatever. If I could go back I would not change a thing. I do not think that ignoring a person is respect or caring or anything else. And I could not deal with it. Nor could I deal with waiting for a few crumbs of his time whenever he decided to throw me some. I almost contacted him today, like so many times I have wanted to contact him, since the last time, almost five months ago. But I won't. There is no point. The last response that I got, after eight months of silent treatment, was " I wish you the best ". Sure he does.. if I fell off the planet or was lying on the side of the road dying, he would not even know. Yeah. I see now how much I meant to him. He told me so often..funny that I never actually saw it. Or most importantly, felt it. After the first few weeks, the only thing that I was starting to feel, was like the dirt under his shoe. The love of my life the man of my dreams.. he did not want me he did not accept me for who I am he did not even try to understand. And why,..because he never even tried. That is how much I meant to him..