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I am soo incredibly tired today. Almost a pot of coffee in and havent been at work more than an hour. No sleep. Day one of my court battles is today. B is arraigned in less than two hours. Why is it that I am feeling incredibly guilty that he is having to go through this because of me. How could I have talked to the deputy when he came to my house, i know better and now, charges! This is not what I wanted, I dont want to hurt him, I just want my kids safe. I just want to sleep. I just want to heal. All the "I love yous" and "we can still be a familys" are gone, I betrayed B by talking, by telling the un-tellable, and now I am sitting at work drinking coffee and he is going to court to face charges. What if he doesnt get the outcome he wants at court, what if today is the day he blows and comes and "finishes" me "buries" me. I dont want to die. My kids need me. What if tomorrow I cant talk in court, what if I see him and I freeze, what if I cant answer the questions? I am digging deep real deep down in me to get through these next two days, I am pretty scared to say the least. I am terrified the court will give him visitation back and what if he hurts my kids with his words like he does his older boys? How do I protect them from that? My little girl has limits, she can only comprehend so much, what if he kills her little spirit. Why cant the court see that is SO much more damaging than getting hit. I would love to have just been hit. I probley wouldnt be writing long winded rambles to woman (and men) that love and care for me more than my own family does.
UGH. Today sucks buckets.