Recognizing "normal"

It's been awhile since I've posted here and this is probably an odd subject, but something triggered a thought last night as I was watching "The Bachelorette" during my nightly treadmill run. One of the suitors had apparently made a passing comment to the other suitors about the single-mother bachelorette's daughter being "baggage". This comment prompted conversation among the men and one of them did ultimately inform the bachelorette (I think her name is Emily). She immediately confronted the man who made the comment to hear his side. He acknowledged that he had made the remark and proceeded to defend the statement as well as dismiss it as being misunderstood or repeated "out of context". The more he defended himself, the more angry Emily became until she refused to let him speak and ordered him to leave.

This whole scenario actually brought back an emotional response as this was a common scenario in my relationship with the narc. He would make horrible accusations, mostly about me, and then try to make them seem acceptable, once I understood his intended "context". I tolerated this more times than I care to remember - over a period of 10 years!

While watching this, I caught myself feeling surprised that she acted so hastily to get rid of him and making it clear to the others that this was completely unacceptable behavior - that she expected TOTAL loyalty from each of them and that any of them that did NOT have her back, and was not ready to defend her AND her child, should leave the show as well.

And then I realized, "Oh yeah, that's how it SHOULD be! I had gotten so used to second guessing my own judgement, my own sense of right and wrong, my own expectations of kindness, loyalty and trust, that seeing someone else stand up for themselves so quickly and strongly actually felt strange. We intellectually know how we should be treated, but emotionally we've never learned it.

I imagined myself as the bachelorette and thought to myself that I would have probably looked for this creep's good qualities and given him a second chance to prove that he could do better. She skillfully eliminated an asshole - something I wish I had done 10 years ago.

I've had to carefully examine my own development (parents were both narcs and I only realized it after this N-relationship), and how I've become conditioned to lower my expectations in relationships. Part of healing ourselves and recovering from abuse is redefining our worth - not only to ourselves but to anyone else in the world who is given the opportunity to know us and befriend us. As simple and stupid as watching something like this show and getting that big of a jolt of reality of my own lowered self-worth -- I guess the lesson is all around me. I am only NOW able to see it and learn it. And I'm well over a year out of the narc relationship.

Lesson reinforced! Don't ever forget, recovery is a marathon my friends - not a sprint.