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N Parents

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#1 Jan 8 - 9PM
lucky
lucky's picture

N Parents

Is it widely agreed that N's can never be good parents, or that sometimes they can? Personally, I dont think they can if it is always about them, and they can never empathize with their children. Or... can some N's turn it off and on, and do the abuse to their partners/ppl they date, but be a good parent to their kids?

I know my EX-Psycho had NOTHING to offer as a parent, he was already starting the abuse with them, and they were only 3 months and 2 years when I left. He hasnt seem them since - thank God! He is also a pedifile (unfortunately got with woman and had access to her 4 kids after me... hasnt been thrown b4 a court on this yet).

But this last N, he spoke so highly of his child, said he was taking her here for fun, here for soccer game, saying he was comforting her becuz she had a broken heart today, the Mom doesnt spend any quality time with her, just works long hours. Seemed to be such a dedicated father. Is this even possible with an N?

I have read that a lot of ppl have suffered so much from their N parents, and that it set them up for further abuse from partners.

What do you think will happen to a little girl being raised by an N Father? Will she become one? Or be set up for further abuse later in life?

Jan 10 - 11AM
nolongerafixer
nolongerafixer's picture

What do you make of my xNs parents then??

When I was first catapulted into the Ns family gatherings (or in hindsight,lions den!) they always made a big show about how much they loved each other in public! On the occasions that his mother, father, older sister, he and I were at a getogether in a local pub for some reason or other, they would openly say to each other out very loud " I love you - lets drink to that". "I love you son" - "I love you mum" - "love you too dad!" -"love you son" - they would repeat it often and loud and discuss with people how much they loved each other and toast a drink to it and then the mum would turn to me and say how much her son loved all of his children soooo much. (Yet id already noticed quite a lot of the, what I learned to be, narcisstic traits between he and them) She would go on to say how much she loved her children sooooo much. He was 46 and still had to say "love you mum" every phone call he made to her which was on average twice a day. The drunker they became the more theyd impress it upon me or anyone who would care to listen how much they loved each other. I thought it was incredibly weird/boring at the time because of course you love your children, it goes without saying although you do tell them often but not like on a stage with a big display(although Im sure we would all like to impress to all and sundry how great our children are). If you do love your parents, again, it goes without saying. In fact I should probably say it more to mine but I forget! You dnt need to broadcast it in such a theatrical way. It was as though they all had something to prove and made everyone around them feel inadequate and unloved and as though they, the Ns family, were the only ones who loved each other. And yet both sons (men) had disasterous, devastating baggage surrounding them throughout their lives. I now believe with my distance and readup on this site - a family of narcissists!????? An incredibly controlling mother(who liked to put out guilt trips time and time again) and I witnessed over the years Ns father had a raging temper. Has been feared in his passed. Examples of which: He used raging intimidation\manipulation to abuse the customer rights system with any purchases from shops. A joint bought from the butchers not cooked by date specified obviously going off, hed take back to the butchers raging and demanding it was their fault it was off and demanding a new joint bigger and better for all his bother at having to bring it back!. The fear in the butcher would of course succumb to his demands. The family would laugh about it thinking it was funny. I thought it was atrocious behaviour. He would do this quite regularly in quite a few local shops. I also noticed, where xN was extremely loving towards me in public, always holding my hand, keeping me close, whenever his family were around in the situation as above he would be cold, demeaning, discarding which made me feel worthless. What do you make of that one?
Jan 10 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
micala
micala's picture

Narc can seem to the outsider like good parents

To an outsider mine was a WONDERFUL parent. Alwayd did what the child wanted to do.Pretty much gave up his own life to spend time with his child which looking back now is really rather weird if you ask me. However narc himself came from an overindulged childhood and has done the same with his child. The child is now 21 and still sooo dependent on father. He also has child living in his own fantasy of becoming famous. My narc not only over indulges his child but all kids. He had a good childhood but again good to him was never having any boundries or rules and was just given everything. He was always fixated on giving his chilc and other kids good memories which is great but all he is really doing is just enabling because like I said the child is totally dependant on father. Child did not go to college nor did he work for 2 years after high school and has already had a few issues with the law. But father nvrnce bucked or pushed him into doing anything. HE was ok with child stayg up all nite and sleeping all day. When i used to bring this up to the narc about reeling and giving boundries his response was always "I had no rules and I turned out ok" When i mentioned that at least he went to college on a full athletic ride and got his degree he then goes into that his child will be becoming an actor. I do think though he really enjoyed being there for his son growing up but then again as barbara clearly stated once narc is keeping child dependent for constant supply and to mold him into what he wants. Next couple of years should be VERY interesting to say the least!!! lol

micala

Jan 10 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
lucky
lucky's picture

Sounds like...

Sounds a lot like my ex-Psycho's family.. one Xmas at his family's he got into a big PETTY argument with his Mother about a trivial issue (an Elvis song. He was drinking, raging, unstable, yelling, storming around and then made me leave with him. Once I was isolated in the car, he attacked me verbally in the most cruelest way, blaming me for the whole incident. Could not have been any crueler if he beat me senseless. Saying, Where the f**k is your LOYALTY? On and on... I cant describe how weird it was him saying his family were all raised as Christians, that God had selected them specifically to go through trials in life and that they were all being 'tested' against evil ppl like myself. All it was was delusions of grandure, and dishing out spiritual abuse to me. Total psycho idiot - he should be in jail. This is the same 'Christian' family where... one of the brothers was eventually taken to court and proven guilty and did jail time for sexually molesting his niece and 3 younger cousins over a long period of time, into adulthood. I found out later that the ex-psycho also sexually molested 3 o 4 of his step-children, among other severe types of abuse. Don't believe ANY of the bullcrap. It is only a show to hide the insidious EVIL that lives in these ppl. The very fact that they try to cover it up, shows how SICK they are and that they don't ever intend to take responsibility or get help. Glad you got out!! :))
Jan 10 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
nolongerafixer
nolongerafixer's picture

Ooooh yes - similar!

I had an occasion just like the one you describe. Family gathering - internal raging arguements at each other same as yours and then he turned on my when home as I was trying to pacify the situation. Sanity versus insanity. Normality versus abnormality. You have no chance! I actually began to think there may have been some interbreeding somewhere along their family tree! My xN used to say "I am God" when he thought he was losing control. Similar brother too. I uncovered a lot of intolerable/dispicable behaviour I wouldnt dream someone I chose to be close to could do about my xN too. So glad you and I are both out. Funny you should mention Elvis. My xN and his family all used to take great pleasure in warbling to the sounds of Elvis, Patsy Clyne etc. They would sit for hours into the night warbling at each other, encouraging each other to sing their best choosing sad love songs to sing to each other. My xN would sing a romantic sad song to his mother or sister with all his heart looking into their eyes and yet me, his loved one, who gave him normal, healthy, true love never got a look in in front of them, only elsewhere. How incestuous does that look! I use to sit there beside the man I loved and adored feeling sooooo trapped, frustrated. My head was telling me one biiiig thing yet my heart was keeping me sitting there. All Bsh**t. Your right - all for show to cover the insidious EVIL that lurks within. They all know what they are covering up to the public making out they are so good and pure hiding their true masks.
Jan 10 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
lucky
lucky's picture

Creeee.......

Creeeeeeepy.... LOL! They all belong in 'the hills' or some remote isolated island where they can all abuse and molest each other until they die out!
Jan 11 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
nolongerafixer
nolongerafixer's picture

tehehehe

Yep - I have in mind that film "The Hills Have Eyes" - if you`ve ever seen it, you`ll know what I mean!!! tehe
Jan 9 - 7PM
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Yes, it is widely agreed

Sometimes Ns can appear to be good parents when the kids are little, because small children like adults and will reflect back to an N good things. Have you ever heard of an N on this site or anywhere else being a great Dad to an adolescent? Adolescents don't reflect back good things to an N, so they just completely lose interest in the teenage kid and sometimes, like in my situation, begin abusing the teenager just like they abuse you! Being a parent means that you have to constantly put someone else's needs ahead of your own, and as we know, that is impossible for an N. They are also always jealous of the attention that you give your children because it takes attention away from them. Today the N told my 13-year-old that he couldn't go on a ski trip over Spring Break with a friend. I was going to pay for the trip, even though it isn't my week with him. This is after the N has promised my son for two years to take him skiing and instead went skiing with friends over Thanksgiving. My son was hurt by that, and is also incredibly confused and hurt by his dad not allowing him to go skiing over Spring Break. He just won't let him go because he is incredibly selfish and stupid. Dad of the Year again!
Jan 8 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Nope

As the child of a Narcissist, and having dealt with many of them and their victims: I DO NOT BELIEVE A NARCISSIST CAN BE A GOOD PARENT... no matter HOW they or their proxies delude themselves. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 9 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

"But this last N, he spoke

"But this last N, he spoke so highly of his child, said he was taking her here for fun, here for soccer game, saying he was comforting her becuz she had a broken heart today, the Mom doesnt spend any quality time with her, just works long hours. Seemed to be such a dedicated father. Is this even possible with an N?" You have to look closely sometimes to see how evil they are. This might look good on the surface but do you think he hides from his daughter how he pretends to view her mother, or do you think he lets it ooze out all over her until she begins to share his belief that mother loves work more than she loves her? This is what my X did to his step daughter. And will do to me. He was the rescuer and it guaranteed him supply and loyalty to this day. Meanwhile the buck stopped with Mom, and though she was by default responsible for all the non "fun" aspects of parenting, she was completely trashed for it.
Jan 9 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
lucky
lucky's picture

Aha!

that would explain it wouldnt it? Manipulation and making himself the 'good parent' all at once. They like to take all the credit, but little, if any, responsibility!
Jan 9 - 1AM (Reply to #4)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Yep. So they get to look

Yep. So they get to look good to outsiders, systematically dismantle their child's relationship with the other parent, and guarantee further supply with the child, in one fell swoop! My STBX does this with no inkling that there is any way it can be wrong. He also sets up children to play the victim in life. But plenty of people *and courts* take a cursory glance at this sort of dad and think "Well, he's paying attention and seems sympathetic - that's good, right?" From the stories I've read here, this is about the best possible scenario with an N parent. And it is evil.
Jan 9 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

I'm an acon

Yes i am a proud acon, I had to work hard for that title, hardest thing i've ever done in my life lol. No a narc can't be a good person let alone a good parent. To me a narc is the devil in disuise and that is all.