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Projecion

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#1 Jan 9 - 8AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Projecion

Im now well into 7 months NC and of all the new terms i have learnt about Narcissist "projection" has been the hardest to get my head around .
An example of how the penny dropped on this concept was an evening close to the second D&D .
It was the one year anniversary of my date rape and the last thing i wanted was to have sex with my narc but he tried it on in bed and i firmly moved his hand away as i had done for the past few nights , he got up and went to sleep on the sofa and i didnt try and stop him .In the middle of the night i woke up coughing and he came in to see me and i had asked him why he had slept on the sofa and it was silly of him and he replied "its too hard sleeping next to you as i dont fancy you "
The truth was i had rejected his advances but he twisted it so it was he who "didnt fancy me" BINGO PROJECTION
It is so oblivious to me now but in the aftermath of the break down of my relationship all i could think about where the word being spoken and not the concept behind them .
It is true that time and no contact restores your logic and rational mind , you really do get yourself back and the gift of clear thinking (which i thought was lost to me in the early months)
Big up the no contact woop woop !!!
Scoop x

Jan 9 - 2PM
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

Fairy wings...

I agree (finally!) that being on your own is actually okay. I think for a long time I used to be afraid of it, but after the nutjobs I've been with it's okay. There seems to a fair few people who seem to think it's not okay to be single in our society (maybe I'm imagining it). I want to work towards being really happy with it, hopefully when I get my general life situation sorted out I will be. I'm getting there. I won't have a cat though... will be a dog with me :)
Jan 9 - 1PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Sorry people

Not sure what happened there. My message seemed to be sent lots of times!
Jan 9 - 1PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

on your own

I smiled as I read about being 40 and on your own. I just sat and ate my tea with my cat beside me on the sofa. I've left the washing up to visit the message board. I'm in my fifties and living on my own (for five years now), is absolute bliss!
Jan 9 - 1PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

on your own

I smiled as I read about being 40 and on your own. I just sat and ate my tea with my cat beside me on the sofa. I've left the washing up to visit the message board. I'm in my fifties and living on my own (for five years now), is absolute bliss!
Jan 9 - 1PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

on your own

I smiled as I read about being 40 and on your own. I just sat and ate my tea with my cat beside me on the sofa. I've left the washing up to visit the message board. I'm in my fifties and living on my own (for five years now), is absolute bliss!
Jan 9 - 1PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

on your own

I smiled as I read about being 40 and on your own. I just sat and ate my tea with my cat beside me on the sofa. I've left the washing up to visit the message board. I'm in my fifties and living on my own (for five years now), is absolute bliss!
Jan 9 - 1PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

on your own

I smiled as I read about being 40 and on your own. I just sat and ate my tea with my cat beside me on the sofa. I've left the washing up to visit the message board. I'm in my fifties and living on my own (for five years now), is absloute bliss!
Jan 9 - 11AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Why they do what they do

I just went a round with someone who I did business with and he is always right, narcissistic, abusive to his adult children, has shallow relationships, alcohol problems and is very self-destructive. He wants people to tell him how handsome he is all the time and most people who know him think he is crazy. Why would a grown man ask people to tell him he is handsome? He is talented in his job and should be a wealthy guy but most people fire him, never re-hire him, and never recommend him. Now to normal people it would seem that if he knew about his behavior he could adjust it and then he could move forward. That doesn't happen. He simply doesn't have that capacity. He uses any number of projections-he was an abused child and uses that to gain sympathy and patience from other adults. then creates chaos and pain in their lives. Projection is part of never accepting responsibility for anything you do. they are always victims, it is always your fault, he is always right in the situation. All of these guys show the same behavior. Trying to make sense of it won't work as it doesn't make any sense. he could have come back into the bedroom in a clown suit and it would have made as much sense as what he told you. It takes awhile to get your thinking re-organized so that you can see this clearly. their crazy behavior has no logic to it. The first thing they do is create such chaos that you can't think straight. Once they get you there they get goofier and goofier. It is a form of mind control and it is very effective. I was confused for 7 years after my 6 year marriage and now I look back and wonder why I ever stayed one day with him. you will get to the point that you can accept the experience, you don't have to wonder why, and you can laugh at some of the funnier parts of it. They have very low emotional intelligence and have the reactions to things like a child but they are dangerous because they have adult capability to inflict emotional and physical harm. The defenses and excuses they use are the same defenses a 6 to 9 year old would use. In children it is tolerated as part of their age and stage in life but from adults their behavior creates fear, confusion, angst and real emotional suffering. this means nothing to them at all. They just think you are crazy-another projection.
Jan 9 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

I loved what I read recently here about projection

being useful if you *must* still be involved with them on some level (such as co-parenting or in a relationship as you plan your escape). They can give you clues as to what they are thinking and planning in what they accuse you of dong or thinking or planning. My STBX just told me I have "painted myself into a corner" (financially, by leaving him). So I guess I know how he feels at this moment, lol. Of course he can't believe I would have chosen to leave given my current circumstances and his head would explode if he could really understand that even if I end up in a homeless shelter it will all have been worth it. He's basically a gigolo and assumes everyone else is, too.
Jan 9 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

I agree...

what you are saying about leaving them itreallyisabouthim. I had one guy I was with, when I was in my early 30s. We were renting a flat together, and he earned a fair bit of money (not that I saw any of it, though he tried to pretend I did). He once screamed at me, "you'll end up 40, all alone, and in a bedsit". I told my friend this and she said "god, I'd have stabbed him". I now realise it was all about him, he was really worried he'd end up alone, no-one would want him etc etc. And now, I can think, I'd much rather have nothing than be with you, and what you supposedly gave me. He was the same as the last ex, all about grand gestures, while they tallied everything up and made sure they got everything back and more money-wise. Even though I'm 40 next year, no job, and single (with no house of my own yet)... who cares, I'm not with either of them. So, so glad. And you're right, they don't get that we'd much rather have ourselves, which they don't get as they are always searching for that external validation.
Jan 9 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

double post

delete