Guilt....

I have been experiencing fluctuating emotions over the last week or so....I seem to have gone to pure anger to indifference, to introspection to of all things guilt??!!

I feel guilty for my behaviour throughout final disard - I raged, I retaliated, I shouted, swore and was very very angry, I screamed....apparently I pushed him away and into a corner so he HAD to leave!! This was the 2nd time he had done this to me, both times leaving me with a financial and practical mess to sort out. Even through all of this, he still maintained this air of total superiority, total smugness and seemed to press the buttons and sit back and watch me fly....now I realise, all the time he was playing with me and then using my reactions to justify the discard.

But I feel guilty and shameful of my behaviour...it doesn't sit right with me. My therapist has said that I have a right to feelings, that anger has a place in our emtional life, to use it and channel it. But I can not seem to let the fact go that I know I behaved badly. At least it was overt behaviour, not covert, which is what he did. And my behaviour was only ever a result of the way I felt at the time but I just can't seem to be able to justify it. I also know that his entire family and friends think it was all me and he has walked away with his head held high and they are all patting him on the back!!! But I do know the truth, it was sickening what he did and really I would like to say I don't care what they think but the fact I have written about them speaks otherwise!

I think this is really holding me back in moving forward, I need to really let all this go, most days I am in a good place now, nearly all day....but today I have woken up with a cloud over me....I feel confused and guilty. In any other situation, if I felt I had been instrumental in some wrong doing, I would take some accountability and apologise for my part in it.....maybe that is what I need to work on? Working out what I am truly accountable for - surely I must be for my own behaviour? Lucky but confused.com today!!