Repeated, mini D&Ds?

Reading the many posts here makes me realize how many, many things these predators have in common. The narc speak, the things they tell you to make you think every single problem in the relationship is your fault! Wow. I didn't realize how prevalent these people are.

One behavior I haven’t seen mentioned was the one thing that originally broke me down every time he did it but in the end, was the thing that enabled me to GET OUT!.

My NP owns his own martial arts gym. When he lived with me (3 years) and we argued, he would often simply leave the house and stay at the gym. He might be gone until late into the night, overnight, several nights, or a week. Sometimes, he would come back when I was at work, and take every single item of his with him. Seriously, he has moved ALL of his stuff out and back into the house (MY house) about 5 times. What a joke.

Originally the pattern was the same: I would be hysterical, beg him not to leave, crying, begging, and yet he would still leave. If I called he would hang up on me, if I texted, he would ignore it. It was the worst thing anyone could do to me at that time. I would sometimes even hit my head on the floor or wall, ugh, as he was leaving.

I usually had to go to the gym at some point to reconcile, at which time he always seemed calmer, happy to see me, and perfectly willing to come home. This behavior extended outside the home sometimes as well: Once he left me and my son and daughter at the mall, and left with his daughter (he got mad at my daughter for saying something snotty to his daughter) and took the bus to the gym and stayed there. Another time he left me in the car at a bookstore, and walked about 3 miles to the gym, and waited until I called after I got home.

About a year ago (May 2011), the dynamic changed. He moved every single thing out, including this time all his daughter’s furniture (the only furniture in the house that he purchased) after a big fight. I didn’t go to the gym, I didn’t call, I didn’t ask him to come back right away. Instead, I stopped training at his gym, and joined another gym a few blocks from my house. And started therapy. He set up a small apartment-like room at his gym, and stayed there, even during the times he had his daughter.

Well, he moved back in after a couple months (July 2011) after I gradually let him back into my life. The total move outs ceased for the most part. Then in November 2011, he walked out again and didn’t come home all night. This time, I changed the locks and didn’t contact him at all. Didn’t hear from him at all for 3 weeks. I now suspect that during the May 2011 break, he had started up again with his ex wife and continued to see her, although I didn't realize this at that time.

After 3 weeks he texts to “pick up his stuff.” I said that’s fine, I will leave the back door unlocked. You don’t need a key. When he got there, he texted me at my work: “It’s too painful, can I get this stuff another time?” I said, sure, whenever you’re ready. He continued to play these manipulative games, I’m sure he wanted me to say “No, please don’t take it, please come back” (which is what had been my previous pattern) but I never did. I don’t know why this time I was different, other than probably the counseling, which was helping me realize how abusive the situation was. I finally packed every single thing up neatly and piled it one room. The next time he “tried” to pick up his stuff, he was so mad to see it all packed, that he did in fact take it all.

Since then, it’s been a slow but horribly painful process to finally truly “break up” and go NC. I think the only way I was able to do it, though, is because of his repeated behavior of leaving the house. It was horrible in the beginning, every time he did it, I felt like I was going to die, but in the end it was the behavior that enabled me to save myself.

I wonder if anyone else’s NP exhibited this “leaving.” Are these true D&Ds, or some other type of mind game? Is it a power play to get me to beg him to come back? Is it just a cover for wanting to be out of the house doing something else? I gradually came to realize he was very into porn. Every time I went to the gym, he was there by himself (but with computer). It doesn’t matter now because he will NEVER be in this house again, but I wonder how that behavior developed, or what the NP gets out of such behavior.