What the hell is wrong with me

23 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 4 - 5AM

MissM

What the hell is wrong with me

why am I feeling a sense of relief and comfort that he may have been soft stalking me?

Why do I want the hidden ID call the day before he came shopping near me to be him?

I'm not naive. People don't change. I had a previous N put me thru the ringer and hoover me back in to behave even worse than before. Him i now pity.

But this feels different. Why do I want contact?

#2 Jan 18 - 1PM

MissM

I am having a hard time

I am having a hard time getting past this. Just as I was seeing some light come back into life, he appears and now the dreams have started again, the not wanting to get up, the hopelessness. Worst thing is I don't believe he planned it or followed me. He was just there. Which, when all I had left to believe in was a 'good universe', means I can't even believe in that now. Maybe I messed up and should have met his eyes with a smile like nothing bothered me. To make it worse, I have friends telling me that I blanked him.. that he's just not interested in keeping in touch.. that I imagined the call and the possibility he was soft stalking me. If I was 'meant' to txt him after seeing him - as Carolyn believes - yet he doesn't answer, what is in that for him? He knows I won't contact him further. Hell, from the tone of my txt, he'd think I was as cool and laid back as ever. I haven't 'fed' any need for control. The absolute worst thing is that for 6 mths he has done nothing wrong. No contact, nothing. All he did was try get my attention when the chance arose and I ignored him after months of longing to see him. So I feel i've messed up all round. And I don't even trust the universe anymore.

#3 Jan 18 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

Barbara (not verified)

MissM

have you discussed this with your therapist? your PTSD is obviously acting up badly ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#4 Jan 18 - 4PM (Reply to #20)

MissM

Barbara

hi barbara, I haven't been in therapy as I can't really afford it. So i've been healing quietly on my own. I wasn't sure if it was PTSD. But my moods have been very very low and i've just wanted to exit the world unnoticed. Which is mad, and in itself makes things worse. I'll give it time and hope he doesn't 'appear' again in another 6 mths. Could kick myself for not acknowleding him - who knows, he could have been pleasant and i wouldn't be feeling this way.

#5 Jan 18 - 11PM (Reply to #22)

lucky

PTSD

MissM, yours is a story that I relate to so much as we already discussed. We both got out before things got really, really bad (like nothing left). I feel I am struggling with the exact same emotions as you. I have my assessment docs sent to Sandra Brown's office and am awaiting assignment to a trauma counsellor. I am on pins and needles to get this started! I did a self test for PTSD online and I hope that this is ok to share with you. Not meant to replace counselling or an actual counsellor assessment, but just to get an idea that you are experiencing PTSD: http://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/ptsd-test/ When I filled this out, some of the questions were hard for me to answer. I did the test twice to be sure. I have been in denial because abuse can be sooooo subtle and covert, but the effects just as damaging. So for instance, the question, "Have you experienced or been exposed to a traumatic event?" I related to that as the moment he texted me and realized the degree of manipulation, cruelty and lack of emotion that he displayed. How he could just 'walk away'. So I answered yes, since I distinctly remember the utter shock, helplessness, devaluation, and just like the life was drained out of me. I was also FEARFUL for the whole time he was in my area. Weird mix of emotions - fearing him, yet wanting him to contact me and make everything 'ok' (like wanting normal behavior/apology so I could feel relieved and valued again). Again, for the question, "Do you regularly experience intrusive thoughts or images about the traumatic event?" ... It's not like I was seeing a car accident and blood and guts and people dying, but I answered Yes because the amount of obsessive, intrusive thoughts I have had ARE CRAZY! Like replaying our conversations and certain events over and over, the look in his eyes, analyzing EVERY LITTLE NUANCE and ongoing for over 6 months! Thinking, if I did this, what would have happened? Oh if only I said THIS at THAT moment, everything would have turned out differently! This tells me something is wrong. So when I finished the self test, it said I am displaying many symptoms of PTSD. I even did the test a second time, as CONSERVATIVELY as possible, and it was still high! I forwarded the test for the counsellor as well. MissM, sometimes when we have "broad shoulders", and have been through a lot in life, we think we can handle this stuff, cuz after all, we are 'big girls', and all that. It took me a while to get here too... Get some help for yourself! It is not a healthy reaction for us to be obsessing over a guy who treated us so abhorrently. Don't listen to those friends who are saying BS about he is not interested in keeping in contact, you blanked him, etc. They DO NOT GET IT! I'm having my own frustrations trying to explain this to my friends who cannot or will not give support. I will not be discussing with them anymore, they dont help, and it's only draining me further. I will talk to the counsellor, someone who does get it, and who can help me restore my badly bruised self esteem! I'm with you sister! You go! :)

#6 Jan 18 - 4PM (Reply to #21)

Barbara (not verified)

MissM

this is the SECOND TIME I AM SAYING THIS TO YOU, MissM YOU WILL NOT AND CAN NOT 'HEAL PTSD QUIETLY ON YOUR OWN' Did you take ANY of the steps I've recommended for those who can't afford it?? Call Catholic Charities (you do NOT have to be Catholic) in your area and ask for a low or no cost trauma counselor??? Call or go to your local DV Crisis Center and join a GROUP (free?) Well???????? I have said it to one person and I will say it again. I will start banning those who have not taken steps to get FORMAL therapy for themselves. Not because I'm a nasty bitch - but because this is serious!!! You can see how WELL your 'healing privately' is doing by re-reading your own post. If you want permanent PTSD like me, you're playing with fire, your physical health and your future. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#7 Jan 14 - 6PM

cynthia (not verified)

Miss M

Its OK, when I slip I read encouragement from others here, you are ONLY HUMAN, and God knows they arent, right Barbara?, they are not human but we are. I too loved MY sociopath Sheriff deeply, here is a person that wears a badge of honor to protect others from harm, yet inflicts worse harm than the criminals he arrests, shattering lives of others, innocent others who did nothing wrong but love and its not wrong to love just dont love a sociopath. You just need validation that you meant something to him like I did, leaving you a text of calling makes us feel that we mattered, even though we know nobody really matters to them. Extracting yourself from these disordered people is not easy, we both know that, so you slip, but get back up and move forward, slip and get back up and move even further forward you get there inch by inch it seems. You know he is toxic, bad, unhealthy, dangerous, liar, cheat, but we cant turn our feelings off like a faucet, its a process until one day he will forever be gone from our lives and thoughts. Like Carolyn says so many times, one day you will wonder what in the world you ever really saw in this person and you will know then you have moved on. Some days are really hard and very sad but when I read that others have moved on then I know it can be done and its possible and so can we.

#8 Jan 13 - 4PM

MissM

I'm sorry everyone, I let

I'm sorry everyone, I let myself down and everyone who has given me their help and advice. I caved in two days ago and sent him a text. Which he has ignored, of course. I'd been going through a mix of disbelief that he was there that day, the feeling that the call the day before had been him... I was having a really really hard time believing coincidence/fate/him had put him on my path again without there being a reason for it. So I figured, maybe it was a chance to lay any bad feelings to rest, maybe that's what he was trying to do. And I missed the chance. So I was compelled to text him - it was a risk, but I decided to take it. And now I'm scared. Not physically scared - maybe it's even the wrong word. It's disturbing me to think he walked so closely up to me to get my attention just so he could have the pleasure of blanking me or saying something nasty. Otherwise why would he ignore my text? He magically 'appeared' just when I was getting over all this, almost 6 months since we finished. I've always left him completely alone and disappeared from his life just as he wanted me to do. Intimidated, that's the word. And to tell the truth, I had a very lonely Christmas and it was just too much to believe (in the faith sense) that God/the Universe would add to that by putting someone so nasty in my path. So I refused to believe that could be true. I know, this is my fault. Don't have too much of a go at me, I'm taking responsibility that I did this.

#9 Jan 14 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

Carolyn

The call was what you were

The call was what you were supposed to do that's why he came to see you. You didn't let anyone down. This guy is a cop, he is crazy, and you need to face that and be protective of yourself. Change your number, don't be excited by dangerous men, and move on. It is easy for me to say but it isn't that easy for you to do. It is a world that you make healthy or not healthy by how you filter things. You interpret what is happening and you just need to change your focus to 'how can I find someone who is safe.' Safe doesn't need to be boring. It can be fun.

#10 Jan 14 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

AnotherPath

It's early days, 6 months

It's early days, 6 months out isn't that long. You're where you're at and don't give yourself a hard time because you think you should be further along with not caring. Just keep reading, get it ingrained that he's an evil narc, I do this still and I'm 2 years out. I don't want him to contact me at all and I can't stand him, but I"d like to know that his life is shit. I read and remind myself "of course it is, he's a psychopath" I'd like to get to the stage where I don't care if his life is shit, I just don't care, that's where I'd like to be, it takes time though. Remind yourself that if he contacts you, you ignore it. Write down in your journal all the reasons you shouldn't let him back in. Back to NC, it's another day, be good to yourself

Ending the dance

#11 Jan 13 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

4joys4

Don't be so hard on

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your learning. It will stick one day. Geez! No one judges you here! We know what it's like! Just try try again.

#12 Jan 13 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Ellen

MissM

Hi MissM, I don't believe you let yourself down or anyone else. It's part of the letting go process isn't it. This is very painful too. Grief means that you look for the person you've lost, see their car everywhere, see their face when you are out. It a natural process. Just because no contact works for healing doesn't stop the grief process. If you saw him and it was a healthy relationship firstly you would have ended kindly and then he would have said hi when you were out. That way you wouldn't feel so bad. Eventually this will all be past. If you feel upset just go with it but don't beat yourself up. Noone here would want that for themselves or you cos women unite Yey!

#13 Jan 13 - 4PM

MissM

I'm sorry everyone, I let

#14 Jan 9 - 5PM

MissM

I haven't acted on either

I haven't acted on either the missed call (which I still can't be certain was him but have a feeling it was) or having run into him at the shops. My last N let me stew for 2 months after I discovered the double life he'd lead for 4 years. He was silent for weeks then just straight out called me from his mobile, realised I was open to talking to him and that was it - he hoovered me back in. Told me the OW was all a big mistake. Funny, he was driving home from hers at the time he called me I later found out. He'd also just had a job interview that would mean he could move in with her and work nearby. All the while hoovering me back in just for sport. But exCop hasn't done this. Before seeing him the other day, I actually thought he was doing me a favour, didn't want to play games and I was really moving on with my life i.e. he wasn't always in my thoughts. But either fate is cruel and it was just pure chance I ran into him when I was getting better, or there was more to it. I could have also handled it better by looking him in the eye and smiling rather than pretending he wasn't there. Who knows, maybe he'd have just said hi and I wouldn't be sitting here now so confused. But it's been over a week since the call and running into him. Am/was I meant to react and call or text? I admit, texting has crossed my mind. I don't want this to escalate and to be honest, I'd rather he just contacted me openly. The worst part of this is that he could be totally innocent and nonchalant in all this, and I'm the freak reading too much into a missed call and a chance encounter. Do you think he'll try again? I'm not scared or intimidated, I just want things to be normal.

#15 Jan 9 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

MissM

He'll try again IF YOU LET HIM BLOCK DELETE CHANGE YOUR NUMBER otherwise you're just secretly hoping he contacts you again. BLOCK THE ABILITY TO CONTACT YOU!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#16 Jan 4 - 11AM

Carolyn

You want his attention even

You want his attention even though you know intellectually that this is not a good thing. It is part of the stages of no contact and eventually you won't be interested. It is flattering, in a way, that he has driven 20 miles to see you but you are on the right track that this isn't a something that serves you. Maybe he wanted to show some interest to see if you would call him. As you know narcissists like games. There are men out there they don't play games, do hurtful things, act strangely etc and you will find one.

#17 Jan 4 - 7AM

Scoop

I wated a while for mine to

I wated a while for mine to reserface which he did . Even though i knew what he was and is , i have read all this site by then , i danced around the living room like a mad woman when the email finally came . I ingnored it having gone no contact and i felt powerful for once .It was a very strange feeling being grief stricken yet powerful but these guys bring out all the spectrum of emotions so i got use to feeling bizar things . I did write a long replie to you when you first post the fact that you " ran into him" at your shopping center but my computer crashed . I first though that it was a chance meeting right but then i thought if it was there would have been no reason for him to ingnore you , he could have said hello or something how ever uncomfortable it would have been for you both . See if he really did think of you as a casual girl me use to date this would have been the normal responce , right ?But he didnt he made sure you saw him and he made sure he ingnored you and this a GAME .Coupled this with the fact that he was way out of his way and you had two missed calls oh and it was just after new year a time when people do reflect over the year and a time that narcs are more likely to turn up i would say that he did do it all on perpus . He proberly is very carefully testing the water with you .You where an excellent sauce of supply for him and i doubt he will want to let that go with out another look . If i am right and your gut feeling is right i would expect an escerlation in this kind of subtle gestures . Remain no contact , The guy is a narc a lieing ,cheating, big headed NARC .Do not give him the satisfaction of calling him as i expect that is what he expected form this .He proberly thinks he just have to turn up in a shop for you to melt and go running back , what a prick ... Thats my thought anyway .. Big Love and a better new year Scoop x

#18 Jan 4 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

MissM

thanks scoop, Prick is prob

thanks scoop, Prick is prob the right word! I'm the queen of benefit of the doubt so in my mind he didn't ignore me - had I looked up, caught his eye and he'd blanked me, then yep that would have been ignoring. I doubt either of us could have acted 'normal'. Look at me, I couldn't even look up. If anything, i'm the one who did the ignoring. And for a minute or so it felt good. He may just think I didn't hear him though. My previous N - jesus did I take joy in blanking him! I danced over it! So i'm not a newbie to this. If previous N had showed up in a shop, i'd have freaked knowing it was deliberately to harm me. Fingers crossed this doesn't escalate in a creepy way. My gut tells me it was more than coincidence but it also tells me he wasn't intending to intimidate, more to 'test the water carefully' as you put it. Lets get and stay strong in 2010 x

#19 Jan 4 - 7AM

MissM

So annoyed with myself

Thank you both, you are completely right. I'm annoyed that one glimpse of him has set me back. It's like he did it on purpose - had he been there many times and this time just got lucky? Great now i sound paranoid. If he hadn't come up to me trying to let me know he was there, i'm sure it would just feel like odd coincidence. 'Perceived kindnesses'. I'm concerned that as a policeman he knows how this all works psychologically. He could have gone his way and let me be but no, he had to get my attention. Something i tried to get when he first went NC on me. I am gutted to think that, after vanishing just as he wanted me to, he would want to hurt me more. I truly hope it was to say a quick hello. Even if he didn't meant it, it would restore my faith in the world. Sounds daft but it would. I still can't believe he was there. What or who put him in my path when i was doing so well? Guess i'm a lost cause and my own worst enemy.

#20 Jan 14 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

moving on

We're in the Same Boat

MissM! Your story/N sounds exactly like me. This is crazy! I saw my N during New Years Eve. How we ended up in the same city (us both coming from different cities) and then the same club still blows my mind. Either way, we were both there. At least you didn't have to see his girlfriend (if he has one). Anyway, I was doing great up until then. That night we never actually did talk but I walked by him a couple of times and he kissed his gf RIGHT NEXT TO ME when the clock struck midnight. I know-pretty tacky on his part. I have to admit I was pissed. But I don't think it was complete jealousy. I think it was more so the fact that this dude would go out of his way to piss me off. THAT pisses me off more than anything. What kind of weirdo does that? Obviously someone who loves attention. I ignored him the whole night though my friends told me he was looking at me while my back was turned to him. Probably checking out my a$$ that he loved to grab so much like a piece of meat. Anyway, I got back home and on 1/5/10 I unblocked him from FB and messaged him...telling him I had seen him in Austin and would like to have my $300 back whenever he got a chance. I was pretty neutral - didn't show any emotion. Of course I also got NO RESPONSE as the silent treatment gives these freaks some sense of control over us. I blocked him again and restarted my NC on 1/6/10...I've been good for 8 days! It seems like nothing compared to the time I was NC from 11/20/09 to 1/4/10 (about 45 days). Oh well, I'll get there again. As many of you said...this is a process that is like getting over an addiction. I also sometimes hope that he will contact me. The reason is because eversince our last communication, he has cut me off completely. I don't have any clue as to where I stand and that's something that is hard for me to deal with. I like to end on nice terms or at least that person telling me how they really felt. The email I sent him a week after trying to contact him and getting the silent treatment asked two questions - did you appreciate what I did for you and did you ever like me? Simple Y/N questions. I think he knows if he answers them then he would either be lying or would give me control in some sort of way by actually acknowledging that I'm alive. What a sicko either way. I have to think of the person he really is then how it was in the beginning when he was such a sweetheart. It was all an act!

#21 Jan 14 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

no more

You must realize that you don't "stand' at all with an N

Your emotions like mine are all over the place right now, you don't have a clue how you feel and it is going to take time to figure it out and get to that place where you feel you can move on. You have to realize Ns can't give you any closure because they don't FEEL and don't have any emotions and even if they did they don't have the ability to express them. To them you are just an object. You are there just feeding their NARC supply. There IS NO place for you in their lives. They really don't have the energy or effort to put into a relationship. So why do they even bother? It has taken me the last 6 months to realize we meant nothing to them. I didn't even know that Ns existed until I found this site just before Xmas. This site has been a real eye opener for me. I have been reading all the posts and can't believe that I was NOT the CRAZY one in my N relationship, that other people have experienced it too. If I had of known about Ns I for sure would not have agreed to go a second round with him. I was NC for 2 years when my exNBF called last summer and asked if we could get together and talk. I thought I was strong enough and would be able to "handle" it differently this time around. I even told my GF when she expressed her concerns that I was OK and would be able to NOT get hooked again by his lies and deceipt. My N and I even discussed remaining friends this tme around if things didn't work out for us as a couple. It of course was good for about 2 months and then I had this feeling that something was just not right, I knew he was lieing and cheating again. I confronted him and he of course admitted that he was seeing his exGF again because I was not having sex with him and he couldn't be in a sexless relationship. He told me that she had called him asking for a second chance and he had promised her an exclusive relationship but that he was also still going to continue to see me too and she would just have to agree if she wanted to be with him. After all he had also agreed with me that we would remain friends. So she was going to be his FWB and I would be there for backup NS if things didn't work out with them,,,,,,WTF. Does any of this make sense? I also found out he had actually called me on the very same day they had broke up in the summer,,,,,,,,,another WTF. So this time before HE could D&D ME, I informed him that I would NOT be his backup NS. I didn't NEED to keep him around for my backup supply, I would be fine on my own and he needed to have at her. Boy do I feel sorry for her. I just wonder where they get off thinking they can treat people this way? And why do women accept this type of N behavior? Because we don't know any better? I have been NC now for a month but he is emailing me just to enquire how I'm doing, Merry Xmas, Happy New Year, have a good winter vacation etc, etc. I have not and will not reply and have now blocked his emails. It is appearing to me that they don't like to be the ones that are tossed out and thrown away.. I just want to get off this rollercoaster ride and get back to the land of the living again, because being in a relationship with an N is like dying. He has taken away my soul. And these are supposed to be the best years of my life??

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

#22 Jan 4 - 6AM

Barbara (not verified)

here's why

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/28/trauma-bonding-and-stockholm-syndrome ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#23 Jan 4 - 6AM

MsVulcan500

Maybe it's because after

Maybe it's because after pouring so much of yourself into this "relationship" you want to know that you really did mean something to him. Or maybe you want to know that he is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about him. Maybe it's because you want to have the last word. You want the chance to reject him like he rejected you. Maybe because he didn't treat you as badly as the previous N, you are now wondering if he really is a N. Go back through your memories, and remember all the times he made you feel like crap. All the texts he ignored, how he told you you were "okay." Not fabulous, exciting, caring, like you are, but just "okay." Do you want to be with someone who thinks you're "okay?" No, I didn't think so. These are common feelings, but you need to stop romanticizing anything he may or may not be doing. Be happy that you realized early on that things weren't right. That you didn't waste years of your life with this loser. And you won't get the last word with him. Ever. Your last word to him needs to be silence. That will be the worst for him and the best for you. Two birds with one stone.

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