the trigger

its been awhile since i wasnon the board. ive been getting on with life, mostly i just see a much better future. ive clawed my way out of a very deep hole he tried to bury me in. He convinced everyone I was crazy. who could possibly belive the shit he brought to my life for 10 years. he looks normal they want to believe he is.
I was left in a foreign country with no access to my family, with no money and a stack of bills. I was desperate for food at stages, unsure if the lights would be cut off. slowly i got an hour or two of work.
that was a year ago that i last saw him. each month i have the fear that the electricity, will be cut that i will have to go back to the police and sit for hours to chase up the abuse case from one year ago.. i cant afford a lawyer, i should have pushed for a quick divorce and maintenance while i was sick but i was dealing with so much. theres nothing quick in this country. ive been lied to manipulated by almost everyone and still it goes on..
i decided 4 months ago that i would just ignore his mail that is piling up. he isisted while he was in USA i post it to his work. why should i have to play his game? today im triggered because i have to think about posting it tomoorow. if i dont and the lights get cut, he will have an excuse that he didnt know.

im so sick of this. the wound these bastards leave is an amputation. they leave us bleeding to death and then find other people to rub acid into the wound..

im suprised today im triggered by this, i need to find the money to get an attorney and start all over again so tired.

i understand how so many oldtimers on here are still trying to heal from this horror. I do understand, time time time.

noone understands, no one, only those on here. ive left all my friends behind. im starting with new friends who never knew him. old friends come up with the most crazy suggestions, are never there, and just piss me off with their refusal to accept what ive told them, so they are not friends..

i know there are others going through this stage. im here to tell you even when you are through this shit you still, have moments when the wound starts bleeding again. Triggered!

the thing that gets me the most, is he has in some way affected my relationship with God which has never been broken in all the 50 years on this earth.. dont tell me i shouldnt give him that power, its something i share only on here. God knows what ive been through why is he so deaf?
i clung to God in those early days, now I feel God is silent.

im not so secure in his love anymore, is he trying to teach me a lesson, does he want it to get so unbearable so i walk away from this house, with just my life I dont know.

Im not asking God to drop a rock on him while hes living his new fake life or anything, im only asking God that he opens a big door for me, that does not involve this terrible daily struggle. I dont need to be braver, stronger etc. eveyone has been describing me as such since I was in my twenties.

"cant you just help me God to find the way out. ive prayed to you every night in the past year, and before that." if i had the money free from this house that I invested in, I could walk away close the door and start again fresh. its not even a lot of money Lord. You run the universe, 50,000 Lord, what some people spend on shoes.

what more can I do. I wake up every morning put a smile on my face and go to the job I was so happy to find. a job that is ill-paid and part time just cant cover it all, but its a job. im grateful. in fact I have three jobs now. I really do have peace, but at a price.
im still positive to everyone around me. I know that there is no tolerance to hearing the mess.nhe made of my life.
so i say im fine and everythings coming right, and then they are frustrated that they cant pick over the bones of my disaster to make themselves above me anymore with their stupid pity, I cant win.. I feel like I contracted leprosy. i know my life is happier though, although to tell them that would not be received with joy. please dont tell me I have to believe that I deserve better, because I do, I deserve the best.. Im just asking God to give me a leg up on that glass mountain.

Im doing everything possible to turn the situation around. some days I feel im winning, and then i see that fff... pile of mail which im tempted to throw out. i will dutifully go to post it, so i can live with myself and hope he doesnt cut off the lights,

my dear friends we have shared the past year and a half, we have gone through the fire together. I appreciate you listening.

i may be rambling, but I expected this wound to be silent now instead its been scratched again by me. I should not care at all.

they really are worse than cancer, cancer has a 40% chance of a cure.. they the narc -lords of darkness have a 0 % chance of anything normal...or a cure.. you can quote me on that.