I'm getting real...

Step 4 GET REAL...

'This step is dedicated to dealing with the feelings that are the most difficult to process and confront. These feelings are Anger and Fear. We avoid these emotions like the plague....'

Well not today sista...I'm going to stop avoiding these emotions like the plague and express them here....
DISCLAIMER: These are my personal feelings, they are not directed at anyone in particular...it is a list of my deepest feelings of anger and hate that I would much rather run from or surpress...but I think these little blighters are keeping me stuck...so here goes.

I am absolutely livid that M pursued me and then played with me for NO reason other than to gratify his sick quest for power, domination and a cheap thrill.
I AM NOT A CHEAP THRILL YOU COMPLETE BASTARD THIS IS MY LIFE.

Anyone who can listen to someone pour their heart out and who knows how badly this is affecting an entire family and ACTUALLY ENJOYED WATCHING THEM IN AGONY IS COMPLETELY DIABOLICAL. NO JUDGEMENT. JUST A FACT.

I will no longer listen to or interact with judgemental, self righteous individuals who give me the 'you should've know, what were you thinking, you are a harlot, whore, man stealing slut....affairs with married individuals never work out...they never leave..GUESS WHAT I ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH POWER OVER ANYONE ELSE'S LIFE. IT WAS HIS PURSUIT, HIS CHOICE, HIS RESPONSIBILITY...as it was my responsibility to my family... And BTW IT WASN'T AN AFFAIR FOR ME. IT WAS THE REAL DEAL NO GOING BACK!!!!

I will no longer place the burden wholly on my shoulders like I have since Day 1. There is a big difference between INTENTIONAL AND DELIBERATE DECEIT as opposed to having feelings for another person and telling the truth.

I will not be told I'm useless, incompetent OR DECIDING to feel as I do. My symptoms are real...and with as much help as I have sought and I'm talking thousands of dollars on therapy and education, I'm afraid my progress has been slow and frustrating....especially to me...I'm actually stuck with my own head so if people can't tolerate me...then don't. THIS HAS FLOORED ME ON EVERY LEVEL. This was no whim. This was one of the worst things that could've happened to me. Illness or finical ruin would have been preferrable to me and I would've gladly given him all of my money not to break me like he did.

I am so extraordinarily angry that my family don't know me at all and have never even tried...BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM. this is my sentiment to all of my leech type friends who have also sucked the life out of me. When I hit rock bottom no one was there. So now I say...stay right there because when I get back on my feet, AND I WILL not even one of you will be welcome back in my life.

I will teach my children that respect is something that is earned and an organization or an emble does not garner automatic respect REGARDLESS of their SO CALLED REPUTATION.

I am angry at receiving advice from hypocrites whom I KNOW have committed some very questionable moral and ethical acts, however because they ARE NOT PUBLIC KNOWLDEGE THEY HIDE BEHIND FAKE REPUTATIONS! HOW ABOUT YOU WORK ON YOUR CHARACTER. YOUR CHARACTER IS WHO YOU ARE, YOUR REPUTATION IS WHO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO BELIEVE YOU ARE.

Lastly all the FAKE concern...please don't bother..I'm getting better at reading people like you. I really don't want or need you in my life.....and don't tell me how I should FEEL...you are not me so remove the plank from your own eye before you remove the splinter from mine!!!!

Ok...that was a good start for me...as you can see I'm reasonable peeved and it feels good to let it out.

X
B