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Re-Contact

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#1 Dec 28 - 12AM
lucky
lucky's picture

Re-Contact

Has anyone ever explicitly called the N on their abuse, manipulation, and BS, swore at him... Then had the N shift the blame, and tell YOU not to contact THEM... and then had them re-contact you at ANY POINT later?

I think I did a good job of exposing the behavior of the N I was seeing, and that he knows I am on to him, therefore will not recontact me. I think he actually believes I'm the psycho one and is stalking him or something ridiculous like that.

I want to be prepared, not shocked if he ever finds his way back (I have blocked him and he has blocked me!) My experience has been particularly confusing, and still some doubt, since it was mostly online - I had to be like a sleuth of some sort, being very analytical to figure it all out!

Please read my post under Share Your Story, "Lucky's Story"... Thanks for any insights!
:)

Dec 28 - 11AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You danced a dance with a

You danced a dance with a dangerous guy, called him out, blocked him, and yet you still wonder. I never got it. These men are so self-destructive that it is a puzzle. He does indeed think you are on the naughty list and he is on the nice list. Anyone who tells them their behavior isn't ok has to be nuts. They have no insight, ability to change, emotional control, loyalty, empathy or sympathy. they just exist and in order to know they are alive they do this bonding thing and then hurt whoever comes close. Although there are a few twists on the basic behavior the structure of their relationships is always based on the hunt, the honeymoon, then the attack, and finally the abandonment. The relationship game is always deadly and they end up doing so much harm that people don't want to interact with them so they move on and the cycle starts again until they finally blow-up entirely. They leave of wake of harmed people. You were so smart to get away.
Dec 29 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
lucky
lucky's picture

blow up - good visual :D

thanks, Carolyn :) What do you think happens to these ppl in the end? How do the blow up entirely? I wonder how many of them end up in psych wards.. if at all?
Dec 29 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lucky

they rarely end up in a psych ward. there are many Narc psychiatrists to make sure of that they just con their way into being alone, broke and no one believing them... or they end up in jail and use prison like a revolving door. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 28 - 5AM
hopeforbetter
hopeforbetter's picture

That's big talk from him and

That's big talk from him and an impulsive reaction to you calling him out. I did it too hoping it was enough to make him not contact me again. Any normal person would get the point, and have remorse or insight at some point. Not Ns! They just wait until they think the sting wore off in combination with where they're supply source is as far as getting what they need. Mine had a double life maybe triple and he lived with me. Online they can be whatever they want at any time. The best way to prepare is to resign yourself not to accept any attempts at contact. It's sort of empowering really because although they want to create the illusion they are in total control of the relationship, the end of it is really in your hands.
Dec 28 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Knocking on Heavens door...

A very important lesson to be learned about pathological people is for them it is never and please let me repeat this “It’s never over” for them... You and others must first understand that whenever they re-connect they believe that they are giving you a 2nd 3rd 4th etc.. Chance. Yes folks that’s correct they believe they are giving you a opportunity and not the other way around. So when the rejection comes (which it will with most normal people who want to just get on with their life) it’s your problem because you are a _______ and have issues. But because in their minds, no need too worry folks because they will simply “give” you more time to get you sh*t together. What wonderful people these pathological fools are don’t you think? Anyway from what I have learned is that there are many ways for them to “re-connect” or as I say “incorporate” themselves back into “old supply”. In fact there (for them anyway) are so many ways I am never surprise whenever I hear about a new technique being used and some are old still others are new.. Two that are used the most are what I termed as “direct reconnection” and “in-direct reconnection“. Both will be used throughout their life with old supply. A few examples of direct reconnection are phone calls emails and other communication and/or community and/or business means. All directed as a "one on one" starting point. A few examples of in-direct reconnection would be old friends old business partners and other community channels like church social events, including internet forums and hobby communities via internet. What I mean with this technique is how they will "ask" about you with other people and/or "talk" about you with them as well. In short they in-directly make sure you "hear" about it.. In ending if there is a opening i.e. “opportunity” they will “find it”... So good luck folks and learned not to answer their call. Because for them they are just knocking on heaven's door.. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Dec 28 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
lucky
lucky's picture

given Chances

hi, James, yes I can relate to this in a way... this is another part of my mystery... When this N guy first contacted me last year on the dating site, we exchanged a couple brief emails, and were to meet in person (the traditional coffee date). Funny thing, I scrolled through his pics and profile, and thought... hmmmm sure, he's very attractive and muscular, has a good profile, etc. but I dont know, something a little off. Didnt think I was all that attracted. As it turned out, I was meeting someone I had been chatting with previously for a long time, who was coming a long way to meet me. He asked very nicely that I might wait to meet him first, and no one else, until we had a chance to meet. I agreed. So I contacted the N guy and retracted my invitation to meet him for coffee when he was in town. I was very polite, I remember, but his reaction was "Your Loss!". Wow! Apparently I had given him my phone number, and he remembered ALL the details about this. My memory wasnt quite as clear, but I remembered him and when he reconnected with me 6 months later, I said, yes, I think you're hot, but... you were mean to me! His reply, "Not mean, just really dissapointed cuz I was in town for 2 weeks!" And later in our convo's he used this saying, "Respect? How about giving me your phone # and everything and then saying you cant meet?!" and "It's not very often I contact a woman AGAIN, who didnt have the time for me before!" He actually did have me feeling somewhat guilty and obligated, and I think that was part of my getting caught up, thinking, "Oh, dummy me, I never should have obligated myself to the first guy (nice guy, but no chemistry when we met), since I missed out on meeting a great guy!" Whew! I know that's a lot of info, but has been so much mental anguish for me. When you brought up the 'giving you second, third, fourth, chances...' this is exactly what comes to mind! Any further thoughts? thanks, you're great! :)
Dec 28 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
baddream
baddream's picture

Important lessons here.

Well said, James. Thank you.
Dec 30 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks baddream and lucky

This is one very very important lesson I learned early on after reading researching and studying These type of pathological people. When starting NC (no contact) we must close each and every loophole we can find. I knew just how toxic this person was and is to my family me and others so I seal every crack possible to stop all possible way to communicate and/or contact us. Being an religious person I prayed hard for the answers. But remembering God helps those who help themselves I went looking for ways as well. Cutting these people OUT of our life is never easy and believe me they want it this way!!! So it will take hard work sacrifice and innovations on our part to do it. NC is never easy but it must be done to insure one's own happiness and safe being... So lucky and for all those seeking total and complete NC, Good luck! Also know you are adding years on your life and maybe even saving your own children from years of abuse. Plus they are the one who is getting the "deal" and second third fourth "chance" and not you. But by giving them "anything" its really taking it away from you. No one has the right to "make" one feel shame and/or guilty just because we don't want that 2nd 3rd 4th date/chance. And please don't even take your time to explain this to them because remember as long as they have you "taking" they still feel empowered and in control... Just by walking away, that along should sent out a clear and strong enough message to any emotional and psychological normal person. And if it doesn't? What does that tell you? http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Dec 28 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lucky

narcs do what you are saying ALLLLLL the time... just read through our Message Board. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/20/should-you-confront-narcissist-about-his-narcissism http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/29/narcissists-selective-amnesia they are NOT NORMAL and NOT HUMAN and should NEVER be treated as such! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 28 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
lucky
lucky's picture

thank you :)

... all for your comments and help. It is SOOO important to have validation isnt it? something we NEVER get from a disordered person. Part of the healing :))
Dec 28 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Lucky is the word for it

Hi, Is there room in his case for my exN please, it has to be that or death cos the thought of the rest of my life with him over my shoulder is unbearable. I don't like playing chess!
Dec 30 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ellen

I don't like playing chess! I don't mind playing game if they are fair and everyone knows the rule but these people never game it fair or even care about the rules.. So simple refuse to game "their" game because they will never play by ours. Good Luck! http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/