Sex abuse

I'm finally ready to share a few notes i wrote back at the time of the breakup (out 10 months) regarding the sexual abuse in the hands of cerebral narc ex fiance. It is a little explicit, but I need to get this off my chest as I have not been able to share it until now.

When I first entered this relationship, i felt good about my sexuality and my body and was open minded, relatively experienced and confident. 

Sex was very intense at first. 3 or 4 times a day. He would't get off me. There was something a little off about it from the beginning. It took him a very long time to reach an orgasm and he always had to look away and concentrate. I was exhausted and started to develop vaginal irritations and infections. For the first time in my life, sex was painful and I ended up having to see a few doctors about it. 

Things started to change, 6 months into the relationship or so. He still had a difficult time reaching an orgasm, and insinuated I wasnt "tight" enough. The frequency dropped to once a week, then once every two weeks, then once a month. There was no foreplay, he went straight to intercourse every time, which only made my problems worse. He didn't want to perform oral sex on me (of course I had to do it all the time), unless I specifically told him to because I could't go to untercourse directly as it hurt. Sex became very painful and unconfortable, and choreographed. He didnt want me to initiatiate, ever. I felt rejected so I stopped trying. He could't reach an orgasm in any position other than doggie style, with my head down buried into a pillow. Wouldnt look me in the eyes at all. Didnt like me to talk to him, dirty or otherwise, during sex - he lost his "concentration". I was just allowed to lay there, quietly. At this point of the relationship, I was also aware that he was masturbating to porn regularly. I didn't know when or how, but he admitted to it. Especially after I caught him one time while he thought I was in the shower. 

Tried to be creative, masturbate together or convince him to share HIS porn with me, or something. NOTHING. He didn't want to try any of it. By a year and a half, he didn't react to me at all. I could be naked, in hot lingerie, in a robe, dressed, it didn't matter. I kept trying and trying - bought new lingerie, a nightie, anything. Felt like the rat in the lab trying to hit the right button and losing my mind at the randomness of it all. He claimed he needed intimacy to have sex, and that we were arguing too much. - of course it was my fault! There was always an "argument" or some sort of abuse on MY part to justify his behavior, whether it was a day old or two months old (I don't think we should be having sex right now"). Bottom line is he didn't want to have sex with me at all. The frequency dropped to once every three months or so (maintenance chore?). My self esteem plummeted. Men have always liked me but I was feeling completely asexual and unattractive. It came to a point where when he hugged me at night, and I felt a slight erection happening, he would turn around and separate from me. I felt like he was punishing me but I didn't know why. I was devastated. 

He basically denied all my sexual needs.  I became extremely insecure and jealous, and felt worthless. He attacked my healthy sexuality to the core and destroyed it. By the end of the relationship, I was the one who didn't want to have sex at all. Dreaded it. I stopped having sexual desire. He dried me out completely. I went from being a sexually confident woman who enjoyed sex very much in loving relationships (and who's had mind- blowing sex) to a sexual *nothing*. Not only that, he had programmed me so well that I consciously accepted to live like this not to lose him.