empty68's story

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Nov 28 - 7PM (Reply to #21)
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What Can Narcissists Do?

STALK STALK and never let you forget they still have some control. I say this with respect, but ignoring some of these monsters is dangerous. No Contact is the way to go...even though I struggled with it for 6 months. I was stalked relentlessly while I ignored my Ex. He disappeared about a month ago and the stalking stopped. Last night, my teenage daughter came home and asked me if I had been followed by a white car? Evidently, someone followed her home...she is smart and knows about my creep of an Ex, so she bypassed our subdivision and turned down the next street. This was 11:30 at night, coincidence? I don't think so. I have been so full of anxiety today and for the first time in several days, I broke out in tears from the pain, again. I will add this episode to the other 20 pages of documentation I have of me being followed and stalked by my lunatic Ex. Empty68-follow your gut instincts. You know how this man ticks. Take measures to protect yourself and just assume that not contacting/not responding will set him off. Plan different travel routes, block his number off of your phone, block him off your IM and/or Facebook. Keep your doors and windows locked. Watch your surroundings at all times: stores, parking lots, movie theaters etc. Carry pepper spray in your car. Tell those around you that you have disconnected from him and you aren't sure what he will do. Just assume he is dangerous and TAKE CARE OF YOU. Document all strange happenings in your life with dates and times and keep yourself safe. I know the no contact "rule" breaks your heart. It breaks mine too. My Ex and I were close for 20 years and I secretly adored him for most of it. I can't stand the thought of him being alone (which he probably ISN'T), but he tried to destroy me and basically succeeded. You are going to be alright. It takes time and from experience, I know that communicating with our Ex's just hurts more and drives us more to try to fix things. I understand how you feel.
Nov 29 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
freeat50
freeat50's picture

I had a Protective Order

I had a Protective Order when I filed for divorce. He repeatedly broke it contacting me at all hours by e mail text spamming my phone as my kids call it. He would leave me angry hateful voice messages demanding I talk to him. He tried to get into our house late one night and went around trying all the doors and windows and banging hard on all the doors. This went on and on. Twelve months into the divorce and he still is trying to convince me he changed. I was and still am afraid of him. My biggest mistake was continuing to do what I did when I was married, which was to try to gauge his behavior by the tone of his voice and the disorder of his thinking. I felt like I had to do this to know how angry he was and somehow be prepared for the next torture. Yes I even have felt sorry for him which is exactly what they count on. It is a hook do not fall for it. As my sons would say" Oh boo hoo feel sorry for me I abused you" I moved to the country with a six foot gate at the entrance to my property. I live with a house full of 20 something year old men{my sons} I have a 140 pound dog and a shot gun under my bed. And I have absolutely no empathy for him which is exactly what they all deserve.
Nov 29 - 4PM (Reply to #23)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

protective order

ask the police to enforce the order throw his ass in jail. block him, change your number - whatever you need to do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 25 - 9AM (Reply to #15)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

what he thinks

I agree with Barbara, who CARES what he thinks?! This is a man who has abused you not only mentally all these years, but PHYSICALLY as well. Do you think HE stops to consider all of HIS wrong-doing, or feels the least amount of guilt about what he's done to YOU? I can tell you firmly without even knowing the guy NOOOO, he does not. And if he says he does, it's a big LIE. You hate this because you've been trained by him to feel sorry for him. We are all programmed by our abusers, and it's up to us to work on deprogramming all that crap. How do you start to do that? By not talking to, texting, e-mailing, or cooresponding in any way, shape, or form with this monster. It would be so beneficial to you to read as much as you can on the subject, so you can gain some clarity and realize that they do not DESERVE one bit of our empathy. Good luck!
Nov 25 - 1PM (Reply to #17)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Well said Quietude

Hi Quietude, Well put i like your belief and i can't wait til i get to the point where i can feel that way and know it for sure. I am acting as if i think this for now and hope to see the light at some point.
Nov 25 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
empty68
empty68's picture

Okay.....

I have been reading a whole lot...I will do my best to follow through with NC...I'm also afraid of what he'll do if I continue to ignore him...

```Live,Laugh,love```

Nov 25 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

empty68

he's PATHOLOGICAL he's NOT HUMAN He's incurably SICK Have read ALL the posts on our blog? I suggest you do. And NO MORE CONTACT. WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS!?!?!?!?!!!! he's a PREDATOR and trying to get a rise out of you. NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 24 - 10AM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Staying on Track Will Help You be Strong Sooner

I have read your story and it sounds alot like mine too, just that I didn't write about everything...too much to recount. I just want to say that being in NC (No Contact) mode gives YOU back some of the power your Narcissist took from you...and everyday you maintain NC...you also restore your personal dignity...bit by bit! Don't do what I have done...after 2 months of NC, I was feeling SO much better...everyone was noticing the return of my self respect/self esteem and confidence. I was beginning to be happy again...without my NBoyfriend ...which of course made him take even more notice and persue me all the more! ...he caught me at a tiny window of opportunity when I had a brief moment of missing him.. (which will happen while you are recovering and even with NC)...and I answered one of his calls...at which he invited me out for dinner and to have a conversation...at least as 'friends'...which I stupidly agreed to... One thing led to another...and you guessed it! he poured on the CHARM...was extremely apologetic, loving, adoring, attentive...promising the sun, moon and stars for just 'one more chance'...and I actually gave him ANOTHER one (of the numerous chances he has already smooth talked me into when I would attempt to leave him)...I wanted to believe so much in his false self...the one sitting in front of me smiling and so devastatingly handsome, sexy and charming...I wanted to think that perhaps he wasn't truly an N afterall... And after a 'blissful' 2 days...here I sit...back on the board writing to YOU! Please stay strong...don't ever go back...you will end up like I am at tjhis very moment...regretting being back with hi,m... things DO NOT change...NEVER...with a pathological. If HOPE could change him... He would become the person he pretended to be long ago...and not the person he really is now, and will always be...forever...
Nov 24 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
empty68
empty68's picture

Oh my gosh....

I'm so afraid of being lured back into his clutches again....I hope I have the strength to refuse him...I've tried to break up with him several times before, but he always puts on the charm, etc., and I lap it up and continue on.... I hope you get another opportunity soon to leave your N and for GOOD!!

```Live,Laugh,love```

Nov 25 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

empty68

Hiya, 'I hope I have the strength to refuse him'. This sentence is what i need to comment on. When my exN left i was in denial thinking of him etc. No anger.....nada. Then he said he was going to take my 8 month old to the OW house. I had to make a decision then to either go with what he wanted or to stand by what i felt was right. That decision is one i will now stand by all my life. It was a very hard thing to do cos it was so scarey. I didn't know how he would be cos i had never gone against him. In fact i was learning well how to ignore or be sad or do something else other than to say what i wanted to happen. Well i stood my ground and he went for it with the verbal and the manipulations. I was scared at night etc. I have moved on a bit now and let him do his stuff i say. Now he is waiting to go to a contact centre to see my daughter cos i wanted it that way. I put a post on here called 'i like my solicitor' where i was scared of him getting the solicitors letter cos i said he was abusive in it. I just had to find the courage and stick with it. Swingers yuk ........what a sick psycho b******trying to tell a decent woman like you that you enjoy these things. The DEVIL will not overtake the world, it hasn't yet why would it now!
Nov 24 - 10AM
Just_Escaped
Just_Escaped's picture

I'm Sorry

hi empty68: I'm sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you, but it sounds like you are on your way to healing. I couldn't believe the similarities in your story and mine. When you said he kept texting you after you broke up saying the following: "r u ok?"..he left me a voice message, "hi babe, even if you do not want to speak to me, let me know you're okay"... He called me again a while after to find out how many text messages I received from him and whether I received one @9am, I said no. He said okay, he wasn't sure if he sent a message he typed in anger. My XN said the same exact thing! Plus, why are they needing to contact us to check to see if we are ok? Like we owe them something? They don't care if we are doing ok. If they did, they wouldn't have treated us so badly to start with! And the part about checking to see if you received a text that he "typed in anger." That is messed up! Mine said the same thing, but he even took it a step further! He actually sent me the one he said he shouldn't have sent after he said he shouldn't have sent it....with a little note saying "this is the one I shouldn't have sent." What? This is so crazy! I can sympathize with you that you are scared, especially since you have experienced some physical abuse. He does seem like he is trying to control you in any way he can. Just stay away and don't even answer when he calls or texts. Can you change your number? Good luck!
Nov 24 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
empty68
empty68's picture

He'll find me anyway....

Thanks for responding....it's just awful we have to go through this crap....I can't believe your XN did/said the same thing!! Jeez!! That means my N will probably do the same thing and send me that "angry" text too!!! **HELP** He knows my work/home #...if I don't answer him, he'll come to my house....there's really no escaping him.

```Live,Laugh,love```

Nov 28 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Be Strong, You Deserve to be Treated With Respect

Sorry empty68-I just read this post after I posted about no contact. I would like to encourage you to take back what is yours...your right to be free, happy, in control of your life, strong, at peace etc. (all that you want for yourself).Claim YOUR life and if you need to, it is ok to feel sad about what is going on with "him". It is sad what we go through with these men. BUT, honor your feelings and do not give him a chance to exploit, manipulate or use them against you. HE WILL DO THAT. Don't trust him with anymore of your gifts. My Ex knows where I live, he knows my phone number, my e-mail address. He knows just about everything about me. He has stalked me for 20 years, with the last 5-10 being the worst. (I didn't know he was the one who was stalking me until this passed summer...I was so in love with him, I was blind to what was in front of my face). Sure, I am scared. Sure, I get mad and what he does brings up the pain over and over. I still get urges to contact him and beg him to stop. I don't go through with it because he will just lie, tell me he had nothing to do with it and then a few days later, he will have me followed. It is a pattern between us that I am breaking. It hurts a lot, but he doesn't love me. I accept that. It takes time to accept that. As I read in other posts, the deprogramming will take place as soon as you shut him down and claim your life back. Day by day, you will begin to get bits of yourself back into place. Some days you may feel just horrible and the urge to give in to him will drive you crazy, but keep him blocked and shut down. If he shows up at your door, don't answer it. If he continues to stay on your property, call the Police and tell them a man is on your property and you would like for him to be removed. If he sits outside your house, on a public street, and watches you, let him do it as long as he doesn't threaten you or your family. Ignore, ignore and keep him OUT. If you block him off of your phone, you wont have to read his texts. If you block him off of your e-mail/IM, he cannot reach you. I blocked my Ex off of my e-mail, facebook and IM. It is true that he could always find out what your new phone number is, so block him right away. Get him out of your life. If his behaviors escalate, call the Police and document everything. Never answer the door, never approach him in public, never talk to him....hold your head high, know that you gave him your love, your soul and all the gifts you had to offer and he chose to destroy those. You can find strength in the good things you have done for yourself and your family. It is ok to let go. It is hard, but it is ok. It sounds like you and I are going on the same journey here. I just want for you to succeed. I hope you don't mind me sharing what I have learned with you.
Nov 24 - 9AM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Hi empty68

Hi empty68, but I have a daughter who needs me... Here is your reason to be strong and not run and hide, although sounds like a good idea where he is concerned though, run and hide from him i'd say sooner the better. At least you can see what it happening to you and not fighting denial as i am doing all that time. I have just had a friends daughter staying with me cos she is trying to get out of an abusive relationship. She got in it cos her mum lived that way when she was a child. So this is what will happen to your daughter. I'm sure you don't want that. Your daughter deserves better. It's much harder for her to overcome it when she is older than when you show her now. You are on your way.
Nov 24 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
empty68
empty68's picture

Hi Ellen, sorry to hear

Hi Ellen, sorry to hear you're having problems too. I grew up in an abusive household...my dad abused my mum mentally and physically...even up to this day sometimes and he's 81...I don't know how my mum survived....I do love my dad, he was abandoned as a baby and tossed from one house to the next, so he is a very bitter/resentful person....my mum comes from a loving, close family and he's very jealous of her....he's always putting her down/blaming her for something. Their marriage was arranged. My mum was married to my dad at 16. My dad, although not loving and affectionate has always been there, worked hard and provided for his family...I know he loves us, his children, he just doesn't know how to show it. Maybe that's why I've ended up in three abusive relationships myself...maybe I have a soft spot for them....I dunno... My daughter is 16, but she doesn't know the extent of my partner's behaviour...she's heard he's controlling from family members...I've always tried to shield her from him as much as I can...although she has experienced his mind manipulation first hand and even said to me one time in front of him...how do you put up with him?

```Live,Laugh,love```

Nov 25 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

empty68

Hi & welcome~ You may not see this now, but if this is not your ex's child (I gather this from how you describe the situation), count your blessings that you don't share a child with him, or are married to him, and still MUST deal with him on a certain level. I have witnessed story after story on this board of women trying to have NO CONTACT while co-parenting with a narcissist. You wouldn't believe what they go through!!! He has already robbed you of 9 years of your life, don't make it a day more. Get therapy NOW with someone who understands this type of abuse. Keep reading all through the board until this stuff really starts sinking in. The reality of the situation has BEEN SHOWN to you...and your daughter deserves a big hug for seeing it - my kids did too, but I was in a big state of denial, a.k.a., brainwashed. Take it from someone who knows, NO CONTACT works! BLOCK ALL THAT IS HIM!
Nov 24 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

sounds like time

Hi empty68, Sounds like it's time to let go of the understanding about your dads upbringing and focus on what upbringing he gave you which sounds like a shitty one that led you into 3 abusive relationships. Yes so what he worked, was there and provided for his family, so did my dad and so did my exN, they were also abusive in many ways and definately emotionally unavailable. Get rid of the soft spot and start getting angry at how he wasn't there for you showing you how a woman should be treated (NOT). Don't kid yourself that your daughter has been shielded...the fact that she said how do you put up with him says it all. She's not daft and has seen what has gone on........she will absorb it like a sponge. Your dad could've tried harder..doesn't sound like he tried at all. There is more to being a father than working.