This is it

Okay, this is it. For so many reasons, today it has to stop. I gotta do NC with a vengeance. Here are my reasons why it needs to start today:

1. I wasted three and a half months of my life IN a go-nowhere relationship with a N, slowly being sucked in and manipulated to the point that I became convinced I needed HIS LOVE and ONLY HIS LOVE to make my life have meaning.
2. I then proceeded to waste another two months OUT of the relationship, following a brutal D&D, still having contact with him, still occasionally hooking up with him, still CARING ABOUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
3. In the last 5 1/2 months, in some sense or another, I have lost my marriage, lost my house, lost time with my kids, lost my sense of self, and some days think I have lost my mind. Thank God I have a terrific, understanding boss, or I probably would have lost my job as well. I don't want to play the victim here; I made the choice to end the marriage and it needed to happen, and I am going to sell the house which is different than simply losing it. But, I list these anyway because they are significant life changes that I was not quite ready to make but were directly caused by the fog/spell N had me under.
4. TODAY I go to look at rental houses. A new house, a new perspective, right? This will allow me to move out of the neighborhood where my N lives RIGHT DOWN THE FREAKING STREET and allow me some "breathing room" in my budget so the kids and I can get out and enjoy life more. I don't want to carry baggage forward into my new surroundings. I want only POSITIVE associations with the new home, unlike my current house where I'm plagued with memories of my XH and the N.
5. TOMORROW is the last day of March. I refuse to go into April feeling wobbly. In less than a week it will be six months since the N came rolling into my life like a thundercloud. I CANNOT WASTE ANY MORE TIME ON THIS MAN!!! If it does take a full 18 months to heal, that will land me around 2 years to the day that I met him. I WILL NOT allow him to steal away any more of my days than that.
6. I DESERVE real love, and a happy life. I DESERVE a man who is respectful, caring, loving, intelligent and interesting. I DESERVE to fall in love for real. And if that means I gotta take this time to heal, to make me ready for the real thing, so be it.

I'm done prolonging the pain, picking the scab open time and again. I'm done being a mopey mess who only wants to lay around in bed all day. I don't expect the pain to go away over night but I'm done letting it rule my life. I'm done wondering about him and his wife and the situation and second guessing myself. That is their situation and their lives. I'm not a part of that mess any more, thank God, and I'm free to move forward.

I'm not expecting this to be easy and I know I'll need support. BUT I AM WORTH IT.