RAGE

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#1 Dec 12 - 1PM

baddream

Maybe someone can give me a hand with this. It has been 6 months since I had any real contact with ex-N. For the most part I have been ok, moving on, keeping busy and getting better as time goes on.

Out of the blue (like today) I wake up and I am obsessed with it. I think about how he violated me all day long, I have been enraged-- so much so, that I have had to take something to calm me down and bring down my blood pressure.

It feels like a terrible rage and I feel like I must have revenge for what he did. I feel the full injustice of it, and have never had the chance to voice it to him.

I didn't realize it, but the anger (that I thought I had moved past) is still there and bottled up inside. The more I read about these sickos, the more I fully understand and internalize what he did, the more angry I get.

I know NC is the best revenge, and he is probably suffering from a supply deficit (maybe not), but that is not helping with the knowledge I have been conned, had 8 years of my life taken away from me, emotionally manipulated and abused-- all these feelings of violation.

Has this happened to anyone else after all this time?

#2 Dec 14 - 11AM

TexN (not verified)

Baddream

Alot of us, no, all of us know how you feel. We've all been conned & used by these assholes. I too, wasted 7 years on a N. I left my husband cos i felt like i wanted more out of life...well the narc is the first person i met. (What a freakin mistake!) All he did was use me, confuse by sons (after he made them call him dad), ruin my credit, continued his head games thru my pregnancy with his child, & then up & left us just like that! I wanted revenge like you have no idea! I wanted him to pay for what he did to me. In the long run, they will get what they deserve. They live in turmoil that they cause on themselves & they can't ever escape it. We can have satisfaction in that. I think we all get discouraged thinking the N has a better life with someone else cos they seem happy. Its just another one of their fake scams. They are no happier than they were with us. Once the newness wears off, they find new supply. Baddream, be mad but don't waste too much energy on him. He doesn't deserve it...

#3 Dec 14 - 11AM (Reply to #21)

baddream

Thanks TexN

My story is very similar. I was married when I met N. Marriage had all sorts of problems, N seemed like the answer to all my troubles. He swept me off my feet. Reading your story, I feel very fortunate that my relationship with N never reached the commitment/marriage level for surely the outcome would have been identical. I am sorry to hear what your N took from you and hope you are now able to start moving past it (not easy) I can relate to him telling your sons to call him "dad". I have one daughter and N tried to get close to her. He would say to me "I will never be her dad" and I know it bothered him. My daughter always sensed something off about him. You are absolutely right when you say they live in turmoil, and I hold onto that belief like a life raft. I wish him only misery, and do not want anything to make him happy. I am not an evil person, and have never wished that on ANYONE, but he is not really a "human". So thank you texN for that, and everyone else.

#4 Dec 14 - 1PM (Reply to #22)

TexN (not verified)

Baddream

Isn't that crazy how they've turned us into these ugly people? This is not same woman that has xmas drives for needy families for pete's sakes!!! I would had never wished anyone bad but i wish him nothing but bad luck! Lol! I never married the Narc, just lived with him for 7 yrs. :(

#5 Dec 14 - 11AM (Reply to #16)

quietude (not verified)

TexN

You say..."They live in turmoil that they cause on themselves & they can't ever escape it. We can have satisfaction in that. I think we all get discouraged thinking the N has a better life with someone else cos they seem happy". I know this like the back of my hand, but it's good to see others voicing it as well. This helped me today when I'm feeling sorry for myself lately...thank you!

#6 Dec 14 - 11AM (Reply to #17)

TexN (not verified)

Quietude

Is this your first xmas without him? Last year was my first & it was horrible! This year will be alot better & so will the years to come! Why did they have to be such shits when we loved them sooo much? It truly is their lost... Keep your chin up & make some good New Year resolutions! (one being no more boo hooing for the Narc!)

#7 Dec 14 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

quietude (not verified)

TexN

We were on and off long-distance, so no, this isn't my first Xmas without him, but my first without him totally in the last 3 years. I'm very happy he's gone...I think I'm just mourning the fact that he effed up my life so much and left me in the dust while he went on his merry way. So it was good to hear your words that he isn't quite as merry as my imagination is trying to fool me into thinking. Not sad, more like just pissed off about the whole con job.

#8 Dec 14 - 3PM (Reply to #19)

TexN (not verified)

Quietude

I think our pride took a good beatin' on this one! I feel the same way, why in the hell couldn't I see thru his bullshit, that sorry f***er! At least yours is long distance & he doesn't bring his new gf with him to pick up your child! His new gf just sat there in his car, her makeup looking just right, looking like she thought she found herself a prize & he's dressed up (like he does when he's tryin to impress). Omg! I just wanted to scream, "Don't be a dumb ass...run!" One of the few times he came to get daughter for her bday, he just had to have the gf tag along! (My ass is still chapped about that one!)

#9 Dec 14 - 4PM (Reply to #20)

quietude (not verified)

TexN

That is really disgusting. I'm sorry your child has to be subjected to that crap. I am very lucky I don't have a child with my ex, and that he's 1000's of miles away. I'm pretty sure he hooked up with old supply ~ I know he's only with her because she is the go-to back-up supply girl, and he probably needed a place to hang his hat. He must have made up some good whopper to get back in her good graces! But these girls are just future victims...I actually feel sorry for them - lambs being led to the slaughter.

#10 Dec 13 - 10AM

Carolyn

You should be furious but

You should be furious but you have to get to the point where you let it go for your health. Blood pressure can be brought down naturally by using handgrips squeeze 12 times a day with each hand. If you freshly grind flax seed and drink it every day you will see your blood pressure back in the normal range. there is a therapy called EFT that releases stored, negative, emotions a psychologist named Pratt from Santa Barbara has a book on Instant Emotional healing and the process is easy and involves accupressure. I saw it done and it worked very well with a woman who was raging over a bad break-up. These men are so devastating to the psyche that the brain stores feelings about them as a warning to stay away. It's a bit like remembering the part of the river where the crocodiles are so you don't get hurt- even though you no longer live near the river. Dreams are a way of releasing maybe you are letting go of this crocodile. No matter where he is he is a loser. you are not you are a victim but you are moving away from that label and your new life is right around the corner. It does help when you know that he will self-destruct eventually they all do.

#11 Dec 14 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

baddream

Carolyn--

Thanks Carolyn for the holistic tips. I do understand the mind-body connection and suffer from several (allergies, bad back, and ulcerative colitis/autoimmune problems) that flair up--especially during times of internal conflict. Usually when I do something that my "gut" tells me not too... And my gut literally TELLS me not to.. I have been using Chinese herbs and acupuncture for many years and worked with a hypnotist a couple years ago. The hypnosis was great at getting to the source of my anxieties and conflict and giving me a way to deal with it. I have been using it to manage my "rage" but on some days I work myself into an obsessive state and it is hard to get out. I find that exercise and a nice work out is a good way to put things back into perspective. I went out for a 15 bike ride this morning in the chilly air and came home with a clear head and a much better perspective. Thanks for reminding me that he will self destruct. That always helps.

#12 Dec 13 - 7AM

4joys4

Has this happened to anyone

Has this happened to anyone else after all this time? Of course! It still happens to me. Every emotion we have is important to have for our healing. Thats the way we get through it. Not by holding them in. Feel what you feel when you feel it. Just try not to act on every feeling. In other words. It may be perfectly ok for you to still feel some "love?" or attachment to the exN. But you dont have to act on it. Ride those feelings like a wave. You might be lonely. But is calling him the best thing to do? So, have the feelings. Watch the actions that might dig you in deeper.

#13 Dec 12 - 11PM

baddream

Thank you

It was comforting and so helpful to have all of your thoughts on this. I wish it was a happier time for all of us. Today was a day of introspection. Sharing stories with everyone on this forum has helped to make my resolve stronger. I am most sorry for those who have been forced to stay with your N partners for prolonged time due to marriage, children, complicated relationships, financial ties, family ties, or any other reason. For me, it was a matter of CHOICE. I think this is what makes me the most angry. I could have walked away after the first d&d. We had an on again, off again situation that I allowed to continue, hoping things would eventually turn around, he would "get better" and would make some kind of emotional commitment to me. (thank goodness this didn't happen). I ask myself WHY? Why did I allow him to do this, and I think I have arrived at the answer. For me, my relationship with ex-N had become an investment. An investment of my time, my resources, my emotions, and my love. As time went on, I put more and more into my investment. Then things started to go downhill, as things sometimes do when it comes to "investments". What in the beginning looked like a golden opportunity turned sour. My thinking went like this-- do I get out now, and take a total loss (all those years, my emotions), or do I continue to let it ride, maybe invest some more when things were on the downturn, and hope things turn around? Hoping that if I stuck around, it would somehow be worth it. So I put more and more in, until I got to the point where I was going to lose everything-- my sanity, my soul, my life, self esteem and myself. I think you get the picture. As we all know, there is no winning in life with a narcissist. All our investments will be lost, if not now, then later. There can not, and will not be another outcome. Sorry for my ramblings.. somehow writing the words is a good outlet for all the rage.

#14 Dec 12 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

MsVulcan500

Hi Baddream, I feel the same

Hi Baddream, I feel the same way you do! I totally had a choice in staying or leaving, and I chose to stay. I too, kept hoping it would get better, he would turn normal, that we could be happy. But finally I made the decision to cut my losses and walk away, he just beat me to it. I just couldn't throw any more into a losing battle. This is the hardest part for me, that I put up with his crap for so long. The first D&D happened at about 15 months. We split up for 2 months, then we went to a concert that we had previously bought tickets for. I wasn't warm at the concert, but then he started emailing and calling and I let him suck me back in. Then it went on for 4 more years. I kick myself every day for this, but I also know that for some reason I was supposed to go through this, to get to this point, and it will make me stronger and I won't be duped so easily again. And I also know it was not my fault, it's not because I'm stupid or gullible, he was just very good at manipulation. And for that, he will be going to hell. For what he's done to me and all the others.

#15 Dec 13 - 1AM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

disagree

I ask myself WHY? Why did I allow him to do this sorry we did NOTHING wrong we did NOT ALLOW IT NOT NOT NOT we were targetted, lured, groomed, programming, hypnotized, brainwashed... period. Get your hands on a copy of WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS asap! You allowed NOTHING. That is NOT how these freaks operate ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#16 Dec 13 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

baddream

His Radar

I am still in his scope, as he goes through his cycles and attempts to contact me at his whim. Sending me packages out of the blue, contacting my son, involving mutual friends. Yes, I am still his target. I will not allow him to come anywhere near me. I will not allow him to get into my psyche. I will not allow him to continue his brainwashing techniques. No Contact is my decision. Why is it different now? Because before I was not aware of what was going on. With knowledge and support comes the ability to be stronger and make a choice. The harder part is healing and deprogramming the damage that is already done. It is a twofold problem for me.. healing from the damage already done while having the strength to stay out of his radar. I am still his target, but I DO have a choice.

#17 Dec 12 - 5PM

Amazed

Yes,,the Rage Hits So Hard

The rage gets me spontaneously too,,on certian days,,full of confiction and understanding I have no problem,,then something will trigger it,,, And all I want to do is rip his throat out. I want to let him know what a piss ant he is,,and even worse,,what a jerk to continue and INTENTIONALLY do this to other innocent woman (WITH 4 KIDS!!! AND LIVING WITH THEM,,YUCK!!!!!!!) I get angry because of the violation. The suffering and confusion he caused. The severe damage to me because of the brainwashing and walking on eggshells (oh they would delight in hearing all this they are sadists) I want to txt,,and SO GLAD that I don't. I ride it out,,get home safe,,and each time I get over it I am getting stronger. They do all this intentionally,,that is the sick thing. Very sick, and evil thing. THEY DO THIS INTENTIONALLY.

#18 Dec 12 - 4PM

agnesmurphy17

I am enraged

Yes. I, too, suffer fits of rage. In comes in waves. I "pandered" to N's moods & arbitrary rules. Constantly apologized for myself when I thought I did no wrong. Constantly did things I did not want to keep the peace. Jumped through his demeaning hoops. Degraded myself willingly. And I feel such a self-loathing for myself.

#19 Dec 12 - 2PM

Ellen

Baddream

Hi Baddream, Yes this has happened to me. I left my family 13 years ago and my ex husband. I had fits of anger then after i stopped blocking it and let it out that is. This time i am raging and obsessing too but my anger is not coming out. I am not priming it enough. I am angry inside i just need to go throw some plates at a wall or hit some things or exert myself. I am just to busy with children and study to think. It is there though and it's better out than in. Anger shows you are worth it. I would be angry too had i spent 8 years of my life with a cardboard cut out.

#20 Dec 12 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

Every Little Thing is Not a Sin!

by Kathy Krajco I think victims fear to defend themselves because society has an unwholesome obsession with passing judgment on every single thing a person says or does. It's like there is some moral obligation to call every word or deed "right" or "wrong." This nonsense has gone so far now as to extend to FEELINGS. You can't say or do anything without someone feeling it incumbent on them to tell you whether it was holy or a sin, though secular people use different jargon than that. When I was teaching, I relieved myself of this burden. Sometimes I'd sit back at my desk in Biology lab and just watch the kids interact with each other. Every minute or so, someone would grab an instrument and tell his or her partner, "No! That's not how you do it, Doofus! This is how you do it!" Then over here, there's a kid snarling at his partner for "kidding" him in a way he didn't like. Over there, a girl is sitting back in disgust, tossing the instrument on the table saying, "There, you do it if you can do it better!" because her partner was criticizing every move she made. I could list no end of little human interactions like this going on. When I was new to teaching, my indoctrination went off and I thought I had to race like a firefighter to the scene and correct this behavior. I must swoop down on every spat or quarrel, bawling the parties out for getting mad and judging who was to blame. Then one day I had a brilliant thought. "Why?" Why did I have to do that? So, I sat back and just watched. Guess what? Every little issue resolved itself almost instantly. A minute later, those partners were getting along fine again. It was easy to see that one party stepped on the other's toes or was succumbing to mediocrity that would affect his or partner's grade and...YEOW - just like tiger cubs at play. Every so often, one of them gets ticked off and snarls. But then it's over. The snarl actually works. It's nothing so long as the 'God' of that world (me - TEACHER) doesn't descend on them and make a big deal out of it. Once that happens, THEN their feelings don't blow away in under 30 seconds, because now they've been SHAMED by the teacher judging them as having sinned. So, I learned to mind my own business. I'd just watch to make sure something I didn't understand wasn't about to escalate into something I would have to put a stop to. Guess what? I never had to. Those kids got along with each other and me beautifully. Sometimes during one of these little spats one of them would look up and see me watching them - looking like "Oh-oh! She sees us and we're gonna get bawled out for arguing with each other!" Why? Because that's what their other teachers would have done. They'd keep looking back at me, more and more puzzled at why I wasn't coming at them and was just sitting there listening and occasionally laughing at something one of them said. I'd see the humor in it, you see. Then I'd make some joke to show them the humor in it, too. In short, I just made light of it, made nothing good or evil of it, and just let them settle it. Suddenly the brainwashing fell from my eyes and I could see that every time a person says a sharp word it is not a sin. It is nothing. It is part of normal human interaction. Every time you yell, it is not a sin. Every time you get angry it is not a sin. Every time you slam a cupboard door it is not a sin. And if it's in self defense, even every time you hit it is not a sin. Neither is every time you fart. I was a cradle Catholic and the nuns weren't HALF as bad as secular society is today in loading a guilt trip on you for every single thing you say or do. Let's be honest. The reason people judge everything you say or do is because judging others is THE act of playing God and makes them feel morally superior to those they are saying sinned. In other words, it's nothing but self-righteousness. And the punch line is that those same holier-than-thous doing this are committing the Sin Sodom (by denying you the right to do anything but bend over for abuse) while bawling you out for "raising your voice." Don't be puppet-mastered by these moral idiots, whether they be the secular ones or the religious ones. Don't fear that you mustn't ever do anything that someone will call a sin. They can call ANYTHING a sin. Knuckling under to their moral control tactics disables you and establishes a gross double-standard, in which the narcissist is free to rage, hit, abuse, be irrational, act crazy, lie his head off, smear, and steal to get whatever he wants, but you dare not even "raise your voice" or FEEL your anger. Of course you don't want to degrade yourself by how you react and protect yourself. But don't be obsessed with fear of doing anything some holier-than-thou would say is wrong. If you do, you will soon find that you are nailed to a cross for target practice. Every little thing you say or do simply doesn't rise to the level of being right or wrong. It needs no judgment. And being obsessed with such trivia is just a distraction from the big things, the things your moral judgment should be focused on. http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/11/every-little-thing-is-not-sin.html RAGE for me, is a WONDERFUL MOTIVATOR - Barbara ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#21 Dec 12 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

baddream

Ellen-

Thanks. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy. It is definitely better if I am out of the house. When I stay inside the demons sneak in..

#22 Dec 12 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Sinead

Badream

I've also been like this today, I actually didn't get out of bed other than to attend to my daughter, I've also had about 6 month NC now and today it all came flooding back, I also had flashbacks again which I thought had stopped, I spent a good part of the day crying wishing someone would just hug me and take it all away, then raging and wishing I could do to him as he did to me. you know I even have a punch bag, that I have yet to put up, but when I do put it up I need to hit it! I find it's the same inside or outside the house, although it's a good thing to go through this as we are processing what happened, it is just so hard to deal with!

#23 Dec 14 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Clover18

You will know that you are

You will know that you are going in the right direction when you can have a 'duvet day' and not feel guilty about it. :) http://knittingattheguillotine.blogspot.com/ http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/ http://byebyejekyllandhyde.blogspot.com/ http://libertyfromlies.blogspot.com/

http://knittingattheguillotine.blogspot.com/
http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/
http://byebyejekyllandhyde.blogspot.com/
http://libertyfromlies.blogspot.com/

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