Down in the Dumps

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#1 Dec 11 - 5PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Down in the Dumps

I am in denial.

I have read and re-read so many posts, stories, blogs and support articles...I know what I am dealing with when it comes to my Ex. For some reason, I just can't accept he is gone.

Sharing my deepest hurts is very hard for me. I try to put on a brave face. Yet, inside, I miss my Ex, still, in some ways. This has to be denial. I know he is mean, abusive and dangerous. He wasn't always this way. I can't for the life of me figure out how he hid his evil side for 15 years, then, slowly, his "mask faded" away with the last 2 years being hell. I feel like I have been in a ring of fire with Satan himself.

I am no different than anyone else. But, I feel like this man has planted a code word in my head or somehow left me in some "hypnotic" state that only he can bring me out of...I feel like there will be no total healing until he "fixes" and "un does" whatever he planted in my mind.

Today, I almost sent him a text message. I KNOW BETTER. He probably blocked me from his phone anyway. I don't know if Christmas is wearing me down or if I am having what I call a "micro-episode" where I feel like I am losing my sanity, my self control and my ability to cope. I absolutely hate it when I get like this.

He hurt me so bad. Yet, I know he can be vulnerable. I have seen it. Why did he do this to me? We practically grew up together and I am just lost without him.

Just a bad day or two, I guess! I know he is pathological. He has always been pathological. He was just better at hiding it and lying without getting caught. I now understand Narcissism. I let this man in my house. I spent countless hours alone with him (driving, movies, dinner) etc. Not once did he get out of line, NOT ONCE. There I was...blind, stupid and loyal. There he was...watching me, having sexual fantasies about me, plotting against me and hoping to go in for the kill. He could have raped me, killed me and left me in the woods several times. This is what I fear he is going to do to me anyway. He may be hiding right now, but my intuition says he will be back to get what he wants.

This man has traumatized me. It hurts to even talk about it. I don't know if I am ever going to really be ok again.

#2 Dec 11 - 9PM

JusticeSeeker (not verified)

I will keep fighting

I read the post about holidays and temptations. This is very timely, thank you! My Ex gave me a beautiful glass, hand painted wind chime made in Europe, for Christmas a few years ago. He gave it to me and said "I know you like birds and I thought of you when I saw this". Hand painted birds were on the glass pieces. I can't go through my China hutch for fear of finding that wind chime in the drawer. What do I do with it? DENIAL on my part. Thanks for all of your replies and support. It is good to hear others have thought and felt the same or similar things. It helps ease the pain a bit. Maybe, right now, I don't want to be happy. I realize nobody can "make me happy". I have to do it for myself. I guess the betrayal, lies and scars left inside are just to much to face and deal with. He promised me I could be with him, told me he loved me and gave me the words I wanted to hear. All lies; as I now know. I have lost faith in being happy. HE brought happiness to my life. HE brought me smiles and laughter for years. When I wouldn't allow him to make me into what he wanted and I fought back....I got kicked to the curb. I brought a lot of it on myself by allowing him to cut me over and over...I wiped away the pain and "blood" (figuritively) and stayed with him. I have taken a baby step or two. I have set a couple of boundaries with men. I have also set a couple of boundaries with myself. I enforce those with no exceptions. Reality creeps in now and then; but denial is where I live, mostly. We will all make it. We draw strength from each other. I have learned TONS from all of you here. I don't want to let him go. This is honesty, pure and simple from me.

#3 Dec 11 - 11PM (Reply to #13)

Barbara (not verified)

JusticeSeeker

find the wind chime... pack it carefully in a box and put it somewhere you won't see it... basement, back of a closet a day will come when the windchime will be a windchime... not a bad memory. Then you can take it out. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#4 Dec 12 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

JusticeSeeker (not verified)

Great Idea

I will pack the wind chime away. This I can do!

#5 Dec 11 - 8PM

SoAmazing (not verified)

Down in the Dumps

JusticeSeeker, I am also new to this site and I have done the same as you by reading other posts and stories. This is the first site that I have found that I feel safe enough to post something. I can understand your DENIAL, I do believe it is my middle name. After a bad break-up a few years ago, along with a few other things, which I need to put in My Story, I took an entire year and didn't date. I had just turned 52 and I was devastated by what happened in my relationship with this N. I went to therapy and I thought I was in good shape. So I met a man that I thought was the only man I have ever known that would not betray me, lie to me or cheat on me. He was the ultimate "Nice Guy", small town guy, wouldn't hurt a fly! Great relationship with his kids and grandkids, or so I thought. How could I go wrong...he was perfect and kind and a little shy. Read my story later for what really happened. What I want to say to you is that when we broke up last year I was in shock and it has taken me until NOW to actually begin to "think" of getting over it. I can't begin to tell you the insane things I did and sending a text message was minor. I almost sent him an email today!!!! If I look at what happened in the past year from an outsiders point of view I would have me committed!! And I am not crazy, but I certainly reached that point and this guy didn't even really give me a thing to hang on to. What I can tell you is that at my age I never in a million years thought I would be so "hooked" on someone and not know why! I couldn't get over it and I was obsessed all the time. I didn't understand how he could do what he did knowing what I had just been through...I still don't get it and I may never get it. It hurts and you want them back or to talk to them and ask them questions, only to get no answer. I sympathize with you so much and this time of year makes it even harder. If I could crawl in my bed and stay there for the rest of my live I would be happy and I know that isn't possible, but it's how I feel. I hope we both get through this and that the pain stops hurting so much all of the time and that for just one day they don't enter out head!! Nancy

#6 Dec 11 - 7PM

mmacali (not verified)

Ellen and JusticeSeeker

I think with Christmas and New Years around the corner, we all feel a little uncomfortable. I know I do, too. For me, it helps to force myself to remember a traumatic event to replace a "good time". My N has no limits as to the violence and terror he can inflict upon me. His MO is to get me incarcerated...and I've never been in trouble more than a traffic ticket. Remember the bad times, push any good thoughts away. Do what most trauma vic's do, because a rape victim never had a "good" time with their offender, they only know the evil. Pray for a lightning bolt or other "natural" disaster...I ask myself all of the time how I would feel if he were no longer on this planet. Would I grieve like I did when my sweet ex-boyfriend died of bacterial menengitis...or would I breathe a sigh of relief?

#7 Dec 11 - 6PM

Ellen

Justice seeker

Hi Justiceseeker, 'He could have raped me, killed me and left me in the woods several times. This is what I fear he is going to do to me anyway'. Thanks for putting into words how i have been feeling about this but didn't quite know what it was. I have thought how could i have been near something so dangerous to me. I think that is the shock element of when we first discover that what we thought was the truth isn't. It's a real spooky experience. I'm not sure i could avoid it another time either which really makes me shudder. The devil lurks and i don't want to be duped again.

#8 Dec 11 - 5PM

Amazed

Justiceseeker hang in there and be tough.

Justiceseeker, I understand exactly how caught up you feel, like your life revolves around this guy. Like he has caused something in you to remain always attached to him, controlled by him. That is not healthy, and it makes you sad because it a reminant of his up mind games on you. Being happy is a choice! We have been through what you have! You need to seperate yourself from what he has done, and give yourself room and space to feel pleasure in life. From something! At this point, you are allowing him to make you depressed and he is not even there. Is that what you want? Is that your identity? What truly makes you, Justiceseeker happy? If it is your desire to fall in love with someone, and have the bliss that you know, realize that this is what you want, and create your life so you can receive that. You will find it when you put this guy way in your past. Yes you will get over it, BUT YOU NEED TO WORK ON IT!! Yell at the top of your lungs "HE IS NOT IN CONTROL OF ME!!!! HE IS A TRUE IDIOT WHO TRIED TO RUIN ME!!!! HE IS NOT IN CONTORL OF ME AND MY HAPPINESS!! HAPPINESS IS WITHIN ME AND I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!" Until you know this justiceseeker, buck up and do something constructive to break free of him, you will feel down and out.

#9 Dec 11 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

itreallyisabouthim

That is a very long time

to have him be "good" and then turn. That would be very very hard to deal with. Because the groove is so well worn of what you "think" he is on some cellular level. And the discovery so much more horrible. I'm sorry!!!

#10 Dec 11 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

4joys4

justiceseeker

I appreciate your honesty. I can relate to everything you wrote. I ask myself these same questions and have similar thoughts. It doesnt matter how old you are. It still can happen and it still hurts like hell. I am allowing myself to cry again. I did all of that holding in for so long. Because my husband was there one minute and completely gone the next, it is like a death for me. Sometimes, I want to make believe he did die. Then I would allow myself all the good memories I have. The ones I had before I knew it was an act. Tonight I went out with the christmas lights and festivities. I was a lone but thought I would go anyway. I would tough it out. Well, some of it was nice. A soft snow was falling. It was kind of magical. But then, I felt very sad. We had done this together numerous times. Walking huddled together. Happy. The happiness of the season. So happy to be together. So I cried right there on the street. I couldnt help it. Christmastime has been rough and it's still 2 weeks away. I ask the universe, "Why did he have to be this way? Why couldnt he have stayed that wonderful man who I fell in love with?" Yes, I know the answers to those questions. But it was my hope, you see. Now I am alone all the time. I am slowly making friends but I attract the same sort. Users. Dont feel bad about the way you feel. The last time I made contact he treated me unbelievably mean. Like I didnt exist at all and had no value. It hurt again. It drove the point in as to who he really is. I hope to God, with time, things will get better and better for those like us. My heart is broken. How long? Thats what I ask all the time. How long is it going to hurt like this? Then the next minute I am so angry.

#11 Dec 12 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

JusticeSeeker (not verified)

I hold on to hope

I have tears in my eyes while reading all of these posts....Wouldn't it be awesome to have a "magical" wand to sweep across our lives and be totally pain free again..no hurtful memories.... Women/men like us will survive. I have faith in that thought. I don't know how long we have to go on like we do either, but someday, we will not hurt like we do now and we will be stronger.

#12 Dec 12 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

mmacali (not verified)

YES! A Magical Wand

Do they sell them on the internet, JusticeSeeker? LOL.

#13 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

micala

going through the same feelings

justice seeker, Our stories are so very similar. What state do you live in? Is there anyway we can talk or email each other?

micala

#14 Dec 12 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

JusticeSeeker (not verified)

How do we safey share info?

I would be glad to e-mail and talk, but I am not sure how to exchange info safely... Admin, how would this work out safely? Thanks!

#15 Dec 12 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

JusticeSeeker

you and whoever you want to contact can do so through me initially... if the other person wants to talk to you - both of you send me your emails and I will give them to the other person. one2one4victims@gmail.com ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

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