Forgiving Ourselves

We as empaths and or co-dependents, find ourselves forgiving others for everything. Always has it seems. The one person we have never forgiven is ourselves. We are so busy being the pleaser in life, validating ourselves through the wants and needs of others, making a difference in their lives, being the compassionate, loving, and understanding person that we are. We forgive. It's what we do. But we forget to forgive ourselves.

Through our journey to healing, we struggle with so many different feelings and emotions. We try to make sense of the emotionally brutal attack that we suffered by the hands of the NPD. We ask many questions, find most of the answers, but for some reason, are still at a loss. We can't seem to move any further and wonder why. The reason is because we have not forgiven ourselves.

Many here struggle with their identity. They no longer recognize themselves. The things that they have done for the disordered, all in the name of love, are things that they would have never done for anyone else. Whether it be to endure their punishment, being physically and emotionally abused or to beg and plead for their forgiveness, most of the time having absolutely no idea what you have done or why you are asking for it. We can look at the relationship and how we behaved and know in our hearts that somewhere during that time, we lost ourselves. Many here have succumbed to the deviantly sexual advances of the NPD. Finding ourselves doing things for them that we would have never imagined doing, ever in our lives. Things that we would have been shocked about if we had heard someone else speak about. We would have been appalled by these sexual scenarios. Most times identifying it with pornography. Yet, many have found themselves doing what they at one time thought to be unthinkable. All in the name of pleasing their narc. All in the name of love.

When we are attempting to recover, we discover many things about the disorder, about the affects of the disordered, how to maintain NC, how to come to indifference, how to come to acceptance, and how to learn to love ourselves again. But rarely do we come to forgive ourselves. We just don't know how. We are ashamed of the things that we have done, we are ashamed of who we have become, we are suffering not only the loss of the NPD, we are suffering the loss of ourselves.

In order to truly move forward in your journey to healing, and fully recover, you must forgive yourself. You will learn more about yourself in this journey than you have ever learned in your entire lifetime. You will have an understanding as to why you did the things you did, how you allowed these things to happen. And once you do, it is imperative that you forgive yourself. We forgive many because we are understanding, we forgive many because we are loving, we forgive many because we feel they deserve forgiveness. This applies to us as well, however we don't include ourselves. If we can understand others, love others enough, and find them deserving of forgiveness, than we should be able to include ourselves with the ones that need our forgiveness.

We need to forgive ourselves in order to find ourselves again.

Apr 19 - 9AM
Janie53
Janie53's picture

Sparrow

Mar 15 - 3PM
Mitsy
Mitsy's picture

Forgiveness

Mar 11 - 9AM
Christine66
Christine66's picture

I really needed this

Mar 18 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
chris
chris's picture

Healing takes time

Feb 25 - 10PM
Julie Ann
Julie Ann's picture

Sure needed to read this

I am having a hard time forgiving myself. A mom should not be acting this way. But it is soooo hard to build your life back. I am going through the motions but my heart is truly not there. Still hurting. I am not contacting him anymore. But now he contacted me. That stirred up a bunch of junk again. Feels like I take one step forward and 2 steps back. But with Gods help I will make it.
Mar 6 - 3AM (Reply to #14)
Lucylu
Lucylu's picture

One day at a time...and I will read this everyday!! Thank u!

Feb 27 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
sharlenemorgan
sharlenemorgan's picture

yes

Walking with you. Being a mom makes you guilty and crazy anyway so add in a narc well......makes you flipping out!
Feb 26 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
sexy72
sexy72's picture

My thoughts too!

These have been my thoughts too! A Mom shouldn't be acting like ....and I won't do it ever again! I beat myself up about this all the time! I was one month NC on the 23rd and it has been hard to not say something to him this past week when I have had so much that has built up in me that I have to say to him! But then I remind myself of all the times I have explained things to him and he always twist my words and remembers things differently and has the nerve to say to me that I remember things wrong....whatever! That's when I remember why I can't and won't contact him!
Feb 24 - 1PM
sexy72
sexy72's picture

Thank you soooo much!

Thank you soooo much for reminding us all of this very important part in our recovery. My therapist reminds me of this everytime I see her! I think I am having a harder time with this, because I cheated on my husband with the Narc! I don't know if I can ever forgive myself! Our relationship was not in a good place when I met Narc and he took advantage of that! He had me convinced of our future together, but thank God I still kept my guard up quite a bit on our third try, because that was the time he promised the most and when it ended it wasn't as hard as the first two times even though I knew him more! Maybe that is because I saw more of the real him in that time? My husband still does not know about the Narc, he just knew I was planning on moving to another city to find a new job and I was unhappy and didn't know why. I don't need to ruin his self esteem by what I did...he doesn't deserve that! My therapist agrees with me on that too! While I was with the Narc I put nothing into my marriage...nothing! I thought that my Narc was the man of my dreams with all the bells and whistles! Well of course he was, because he was and is and always will be a fake insecure FACADE! Where I went right in my relationship with the Narc, is I started testing him, I knew something was NOT right with him...to guard myself I told my Narc that I was finally in the process of divorcing my husband. I think that worried him more because I may meet another man or push him, so we kind of hovered in place and he didn't bring up my husband or where things were at ever! He knew I was looking for work in his city and kind of encouraged it, but didn't bring that up much either! During this time I actually started seeing my husband in a different light...he was the better man in everyway...even in bed! My Narc really wasn't that great in bed! (I read on here I think, that most Narcs aren't and they suffer from sleep problems...he has both issues...lol!) Why did I forget that? What's wrong with me? When I brought him up to my Narc, you could tell he was jealous, he really showed it the last time we saw eachother and the first times we spoke on the phone after the break up...he just had to put him down, by saying "Well I know I'm NO (hubbies name)!" blah, blah put downs that were pure jealousy! Six months later the Narc thinks I am divorced from my husband and miserable...but we are not! I want him to continue to think this forever so he leaves me alone and doesn't ruin my marriage! After I figured out that I was looking for what I already had and got caught up in a childhood crush, I started putting all my energy into healing myself and my marriage...my husband could tell I was back!!!! :) He started giving me the attention I needed because I gave him the attention he needed! WE ARE DOING GREAT! :) We are leaving for a winter getaway for two weeks in Cabo March 3rd to celebrate our 40th birthdays! I almost lost it all...now I work everyday to forgive myself for thinking the grass was green somewhere else...I am doing better than I had been with that and hopefully someday soon I will completely forgive myself! :)
Mar 6 - 4AM (Reply to #10)
Lucylu
Lucylu's picture

Hope you're loving Cabo right now!!

Mar 3 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
davskiss
davskiss's picture

Wonderful!

Feb 24 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Good luck Sexy72!

Forgive yourself utterly and entirely. You, and we, are only human! EVERYONE makes mistakes, you wouldn't judge anyone else harshly for doing so, extend yourself the same courtesy! Look at yourself in the mirror, shrug and say to yourself "hey, I fucked up - wasn't the first time, won't be the last, but it's all good!" On my gravestone I want them to put on the back "Fuck me if I can't take a joke!" God bless!
Feb 24 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
sexy72
sexy72's picture

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! You are so right we do judge ourselves way more than we should. God is the only one who should be judging anyone! I actually ask God to forgive me almost everyday and I ask for the strength to forgive myself too! I really think it helps! This website is so educating and the blogs and support is a Godsend! I am sooooo thankful to have found this website and all of you on here! God Bless you too and I hope someday we all can be "Laughs Last" along with you! :)
Feb 28 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
Phoenix2012
Phoenix2012's picture

A funny story about God. . .

Last year I went to confession and after i told the priest all the bad things I had done, he asked me if I had forgiven myself. I had not thought about it before, but I realized that I had not forgiven myself for anything. The priest was very kind, and he said "Who do you think you are? If God can forgive you, who are you to refuse to forgive yourself? Do you think you're better than God?" He said it all with a smile, but I got his point. We all just have to find a way to realize our own value. We are ALL deserving of forgiveness. Sparrow's words are amazing, and I am so thankful for them.
Feb 27 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
sharlenemorgan
sharlenemorgan's picture

Thank You

Thank You for this blog.
Feb 24 - 12PM
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

Great Blog

Dear MFN, I forgive me for my part in the relationship with N. I forgive me for allowing myself to believe I am insecure, unlovable, unattractive, and wrong in all my words and actions. I forgive myself for holding onto anger, hate and resentments towards N. I forgive me for losing myself in the r/s. I forgive me for the pain and suffering my children have endured because of the disordered freak. I forgive me for not standing up to my beliefs, morals and ethics. I believe in forgiveness and it starts with forgiving ME! With forgiveness, MFN (always and forever)
Feb 24 - 8AM
Fearless
Fearless's picture

sweet bird

...thanks Sparrow. I will take all of your wise words to heart this weekend and truly find self-forgiveness. I am at a place now where I finally know I'm worth it and deserving of this. Self-compassion and self-forgiveness go hand in hand. This has been my lesson for the week along with the acceptance of who and what "crackhead" is. Just moving right along on my path...it's getting easier and a little less painful the more I work ... and let me tell you...it's not easy work, but so rewarding the further I travel. It's good having those who have traveled this path to show you the way...Thanks again. -fefe

FeFe

Feb 24 - 8AM
Redhead
Redhead's picture

Yes Sparrow - great blog

Yes Sparrow - great blog
Feb 24 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

yippie.. Great first Blog..

yippie.. Great first Blog.. Great message.. Hunter