F@CK!

I wish I had encouraging words for everyone on here. I have received such compassion from all of you over the last few days. Yes, it helps for the moment and then I want to repay by saying something encouraging to the others on here that are hurting and unfortunately I just don't have it in me this weekend.

I am a mess, have been a mess and remain a mess. I fake it everyday, put a smile on my face, go to work, take care of my kids but this faking it has just kept it in. I have been in such denial about the way I really feel.

So out of denial I am stepping right now......

I want to roll up in a ball and cry until there are no more tears left to cry. I have never been so miserable in my whole life. He kept me so isolated for years that there are hardly any friends left and those that remain do not understand or get it. "Snap out of it Megan. Keep your chin up. It will be ok." I want to scream FUCK YOU, YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND! My family, not any better. Maybe even worse, Other then this forum, my therapist, and a few friends I have no support and am so isolated.

I read, journal, put one foot in front of the other, take care of my kids, work the steps, do the support group, go to therapy several times a week, take baths, try to be nice to me and the pain remains. The tears won't stop. And this weekend has been the worse of all.

My kids just came in from playing and said "Mom, look what bracelet we just found" It's a purple rubber bracelet and says "HOPE'S DOOR END DOMESTIC VIOLENCE" They said "you can have it. Maybe wearing it will make you feel better." How apprpriate was that? As I am typing away here about feeling like shit and just can't find a solution to shake the miseries they (my beautiful, wonderful children) put this bracelet on my wrist, kissed me, told me they loved me. God works in mysterious ways.