Swimming upstream....

I wish I could blame Mr. N for every time my world feels like it is on the verge of collapse, when I feel like the images that have created for myself are falling around me. The fact is...I have been swimming against a current of "not enough" for as long as I can remember.

There are days when I feel so confident that I think that I can make great strides only to have a trigger pull me back. These are not triggers that are left over from Mr. N...they reach farther back to my childhood.

I realize now that when I was with Mr. N, it was easy enough to blame those insecurities..those moments of doubt....those incidents of regressing squarely back to him. Now that he is gone, I am finding it harder and harder to ignore the root cause and even harder still to make progress. I feel tired all the time from all the mental hoops I am jumping through. Introspection has led to many nights of tearful reflection without any resolution. I am left with only that nagging feeling that I will always never be enough and that hurts more than I have words to express.