Welcome Krooks
My exN had a 'sudden desire to spend all of his time with his kids' when he abandoned me too. It just so happened to be after he'd secured supply with the first OW who lived in the same town they did.
I'm sorry for your pain and I too wish that someone had warned me, but it's doubtful I would have listened. I was so in love with who I thought he was and had no idea he was a narc.
As for warning any of his women? At this point I don't even want to know who his current or next supply is, let alone try to talk to them (who likely wouldn't believe me anyway).
I can only hope the women he's with now pay more attention to the red flags I chose to ignore and don't suffer like I did.
There are some sites that warn not to date a certain man - though I cannot see how it is legal to post names. Or ethical.
They exist -
Personally -
I prefer steering clear of said sites otherwise I cant get out of my own damned way if I look for more poop to aggravate my progress.
Oh if life could be that easy. We wouldn't believe a registry anyway. By the time all is said and done, and the truth comes out, we are in denial and no one, and I mean no one, can tell us any differently. We just wouldn't listen.
The addiction has already set in at that point.
Fair to some extent but ... we would listen now. Wouldn't we??
E.g. - I met a man recently that I went on a few dates with. He seemed great. We connected - but I knew I wasn't in the place (even remotely) given where I am emotionally with the hopefully-now-ex-N. So I shifted the relationship to a friendship. Was open and honest about it - as I would expect, no, now just vaguely hope, someone to be with me. ... and to be fair, with the idea that maybe at some point down the line when I was in a healthier place, we would rekindle whatever spark was there. ... Last week I went to lunch with someone from my alumni who was looking for career advice. Long & short of what I hope originally was an informative lunch for her is she brings up this guy. Same guy. ... Without wanting to get into more details - after a few short minutes it was glaringly clear that he is the same lying deceitful type of man as my I-pray-now-ex-N.
I think that lunch was a simple trigger for me. Obviously I was much less invested - I did not want to call the "friend", did not want to know any more about him or this womans interactions, but I also could not stand to see this woman in the relatively early stages of what I went through -- saying the same things, talking about a fight where he said horrible things and belittled her as tho it was just another day in the park...
So maybe she wasn't someone who had gone through this before and in some obvious ways my analogy is off but well - knowledge is power isn't it? I most certainly won't be keeping my ties with my "friend"... and I hope that she will be strong enough to walk away now that she has heard who he really is.
Krooks I hear what you are saying. I get it.
I was thinking that Narcs will turn shit around and project onto you saying you are projecting on to them. The crazy making merry go round. I have heard they may attend therapy not to heal but to turn what they "learn" back on the real target. YOU.
He can as easily contact your next BF in retribution - family, friends...you name it. Would you want those people to listen to him? They play a damned good game of reversing truth to maintain falsity. I am no match for that kind of frakkin insanity. Some of these monkeys have guns and if they get pissed enough and more disordered -and find out after hoovering the OW you just confided in....well. Lock your doors.
We only come off as bananas.
The knowledge I found useful is that I already know what I need to know - to realize the whole this is disordered and not enough bondo in the world will glue, cover, spit shine the relationship or anyone elses. No further info is needed and nothing I say or do will change MY outcome.
:/
Growing up in my kitchen my mom had a little wooden plaque above the sink that read - "God give me the courage not to give up on what I think is right - even though I think it is hopeless." now its in my tiny kitchen. ... I know that can be applied in so many ways in discussions re Ns but I'm chosing here. I acknowledge that I am far from being in a place to reach out to anyone abt anything nor do I even know who my Ns OW are (v plural), and frankly, nor do I want to. And I completely see the reasons expressed as to why not to as sound and grounded and pretty darn infallible. ... But, I hope one day someone from this forum or some other venue begins the process of exposing these men. Not maliciously. Not vindictively (which is why I know I am far from that space as I haven't even fully hit acceptance and anger yet). But to make other women aware - or more aware. In a past life I would have heard what my alumni lunch date was saying and thought she was crazy. Thought her bf had his handsful and tho difficult to admit (& embarrassing) thought I was above that kind of nonsense and washed my hands of it. ... Now - I saw it for what it was. I'll never be able to hear a woman being called "crazy" (even if she is acting crazy) in the same way. I know awareness comes from living it --- just, in a prefect world, much like domestic violence on the broader spectrum, more people would be aware of it and wouldn't be as quick to jump on the bandwagon of helping to disempower us and more people would speak out to their OW...
And as an aside - on a v different note - my N already gone thru so much (both personally and w me as his conduit) w my friends, family, a new guy I was trying to "date", my doormen & my job. Fortunately none of it has stuck - or at least I don't think it did at this point. I think one of my first steps towards consciousness this go-around is to try to get rid of the fear of "what if" ... What if he tries to do X? ... Chances are - he already has or has done something equally horrifying and sickly abusive. And while I will not put myself in harms way (ie why I am hoping beyond hopes I'm strong enough to stay NC) - I am giving up "what ifs" (my fears of how he will try to hurt me or show up or blah) for lent. ;-)
Easy to sound strong sometimes. Hope I can put actions behind my words!
Hi there. I had to read all the/your posts all the way through before I replied. I wanted to make sure I got the complete picture.
I feel for you. I really do. I know what you are going through; all the ups and downs, all the anguish, all of the unknown, etc... We are here for you. Don't contact her or them (but you already know that). Come here and vent to us your thoughts and we'll get you back on track. We hope you a speedy path to acceptance, but we will be here to hold your hand as long as you need. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know it's such a cliche', but be good to yourself. We may not have the talent like these men to manipulate and betray people, but we have our hearts and that will carry us a lot further than anything else. You may not have to do anything for him to get his. It may just come on it's own.
Just know that you are not alone. Your story may differ a little from the others with names, dates, experiences, but the core is still the same. We were lied to.
Hugs.
I don't have knowledge of or access to my exNs new supply. If she were before me, though, yes, I would warn her in whatever way possible. I know that the fact of her being his NS negates her ability to understand, now, but I'm a teacher and believe that planted seeds of knowledge grow later, when the climate is just right.
Welcome Krooks My exN had a
Journey on...
warning sites
Oh if life could be that
Fair to some extent but ...
Krooks
Growing up in my kitchen my
Breathe, Krooks
Thank you. ... Been reeling
I don't