Woman to woman ... why don't we help the OW?

This is my first post so I guess a bit of background on me is only fair. I've been in a relationship with an extreme N for the past 3+ years. I knew him through work - both professionals - for 3-4 years prior to getting involved in this nightmare. He was one of my "safe" acquaintances ... Why? In part bc he's married. So I didn't ever have to worry about boyfriends getting jealous or him hitting on me... Right! And to make it worse, I used to tell my friends how great he was. I was naive, to put it lightly. In fact, our first "date" ended up being a performance that I took him to with a girlfriend of mine so that I could introduce him to her in the hopes of setting them up once he was over his divorce... In November of 2008, just after my birthday when I had ended a relationship with someone else, I bought into the whole "getting a divorce" cliche ... along with a ton of other nonsense in the whirlwind-energized-fairytale-falling-in-"love" period. It was "magic" ... Or at least, tho I didn't know it at the time, falling in love with a man that was incapable of feeling such that his way of winning me over was to project back on to me the love that I wanted by showing me the love that I expressed - was magical... I didn't know that all of the early on "magical" times we danced under bridges in Central Park listening to "If I only only had a Brain", laughing and holding each other in an embrace that I was convinced was the most amazing love in the world, that he was merely entertaining me by directing the departing lyrics of his last victim towards me... Yup, if I only had a brain, eh? Haha.

... Today is officially Day 1 of NC, and well, I'm not doing so well. Mainly because I don't trust myself. I'm certainly not new at this game - been through harassing letters threatening my career, threats to my family & my friends, emotional, financial, verbal and physical abuse, all followed by endless vows that I won't ever let myself go back - yet I do. I don't imagine that any of my to-hell-and-back stories are all that different from most women on here. So - today I spent hours reading on this website. Attempting to digest all that you all have to say in the hopes of staying strong. (Thank you). I'll get into the rest of my story on the share your story link at some point soon. I guess one of the things that keeps occurring to me after reading a ton on here is that while we all seem eager to help each other, why does no one advocate helping the OW? I won't profess to have an idea of what that would entail or how that could be done - and I wouldn't ever suggest breaking NC or going out of your way to find out who she is, etc. for obvious reasons re managing your own emotional well being as a primary concern. And I also understand that the very notion of the OW is beyond hurtful. ... I guess I just was hoping to see what people think about this.

Early on in my nightmare when my N told me he was off to do laundry (down the hall) and would be back in 5 minutes, and then just disappeared entirely and forwarded his phone to his assistant, I called his wife. Low & behold, he was on his way to meet her for a family vacation. Beyond shocking at that time (yet so obvious in hindsight). Something I would have NEVER known had I not called. He would have gone and come back to me, lying, deceiving, and eventually - as I did anyhow - I would have "believed" him and given up on my gut. The thing is - although I'm far from out of the woods, I truly believe that if I didn't call her. If I didn't do that taboo thing, then I would probably still not see who he really is because his lies and manipulation are beyond anything I have ever known. The seed wouldn't have been planted so firmly so early on.

Since then a lot has happened and I imagine that as they are still married he has painted me as a Glen-Close-Fatal-Attraction-esq character. So I'm not suggesting I should contact his wife again (although I'm often tempted to) - or that anyone should believe they can help someone who dated the same narc since she was 15 years old and believes everything he says, moved to the middle of no-where to live isolated with her 2 kids waiting for his "nuggets" (as many of you have referred to those desperate times yearning for attention) and does not want help (last bit being the key) ... What I guess I'm asking this forum is - can't we do more to help prevent other innocent women from falling into this place?? Telling the OW? And again, I think we've all probably lived in our own whirlwinds of drama such that we don't want to be the instigators of more of it, but just imagine someone had told you prior to day one that your N was a psychopath? That he would wrap you up in a dizzying spell of lies, twist you into a pretzel leaving you clueless of which way was up and which was down in a false world which would leave you close to dead inside before you hopefully began to escape -- all masked in "love" and "dreams of a future" with "Mr. Perfect" - the Mr. Perfect that he stole from your dreams by using the things you held dearest to you. Would it have helped? Would it have made you listen even just a little bit more to that nagging feeling you had probably pretty early on at the first warning signs??

If a person molests a child, they are put on a national registry so that people can be made aware of what they have done. ... I'm being a little flip here (and in no way mean to express an opinion on the CM national registry) but -- wouldn't it be nice to have a national registry of these men that have collectively sucked years out of our lives in such horrible ways and at least hope that in doing so we are arming the next potential victim and hopefully protecting her or maybe even opening the eyes of women who would otherwise believe that what they experience is just how things are "supposed" to be because it's all they know?

... Apologies for the rant.

X ~ K