He is here

I have a handful of readers who can, I’m sure, identify with parts of this letter so I have included the whole letter. Hi Susan, I’m going through bouts of depression…. I feel I have some of the warning signs of it.. I just need to talk to someone who can give me some solid advice about my particular problem. http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/10/23/mail-we-get-mail-when-a-narcissist-claims-confusion/ I’ve been reading some of your post and others… and I must say, it has been somewhat of an eye-opener… This is my story…. My relationship ended over 2 months ago… I was in a 2 yr relationship… or maybe an affair, as I see it now. I met him at work. When we met, he had a live-in girlfriend. He mentioned how things were going downhill long before we met and wanted to break up with her (said they’re living like roommates and she has a drinking problem). I told him not to rush into things and was also doubtful b/c of our differences (different ethnicity and religion). First of all, I want to suggest strongly that you have a depression evaluation. And I suggest strongly that you go to therapy and very very strongly suggest doing affirmations. This is not your fault. You sound like a good person who got involved with a real jerk. Some of the things I am going to say may sound harsh but I was once in your spot and I needed to hear things said straight up. The good news is that you can recover from this one, go on and be better and find a real person who is capable of having a relationship with you. You have to affirm that you deserve it and never put up with the likes of some creature like this again. You can do this!!! Now for the not so pleasant assessment of your situation: When someone is flirting and being inappropriate when they are in a relationship (no matter how bad the relationship is): this is a HUGE RED FLAG. This says so much more about them than a million conversations could say. But he was persistent. A few weeks later he broke it off with her and we started dating. It was intense: he even talked about marriage and children and how they would look like - he said he’s open to the religion and was “hopeful” for us. During the initial courtship, he even cried when I express some doubt. It went on for a couple of months - everything was perfect - he was perfect. This is called: reeling you in. Notice, also, that he had NO TIME alone. He had someone (you) waiting in the wings before he was even done with her. Remember the saying: What he does WITH you, he’ll do TO you. Than one day, out of the blue, he tells me he’s going back to his (supposedly)ex gf (”she stopped drinking”). He said they have a history together and said he feels that he’s doing the right thing. I was devastated… It’s called: he wants what he wants when he wants it. Others’ feelings be damned. He sounds like a spoiled child. We had to see each other at work since (at the time) we worked in the same department. He said he still wanted me to be a part of his life. Time went on, we were still in each others lives - via email and sometimes he would come see me and things would get physical. I told him what we’re doing is not right, but he said that he doesn’t want to lose me. He kept saying he doesn’t want to hurt me or her. He had already hurt you. One issue with this is the fact that he called ALL the shots. You get what you put up with. Here you’re putting up with a lot and letting him take what he wanted, whenever he wanted. Of course he didn’t want to lose you…there was no responsibility toward you…no obligation and you were asking nothing in return…people don’t want to lose people like that until THEY decide they’re done with them. Earlier this year (March 08), he finally ended his relationship with his gf (again). The reason he gave: she wanted marriage (they were together for 3yrs), but he couldn’t see her as the mother of his child, even though they were “very compatible”. This is the person he didn’t want to hurt. Right. He said they’re good friends (obviously so, since she didn’t know about his involvement..) He said he wanted to be alone and figure things out. We continued to email and he would still come see me whenever HE wanted to. When I wanted to see him, he started making excuses. I would try to arrange fun things to do over the weekends, he would initially say he’s up for it, than cancel at the last minute. He has the house and bought new furniture which I’ve never seen b/c he’s never invited me over. We’ve never done anything in public after he broke it off the first time with me. When asked why, he said its too early (he’s coming out of a break-up) and this would ruin his image by his peers (his ex also works there.). Again, he wants what he wants when he wants it. Keep you tucked away until he is ready for you. It doesn’t matter what YOU want, just like it didn’t matter what his ex wanted. A month ago (Aug), he started becoming very distant. I asked him if there was someone else, he said there is someone who’s interested in him, but the only problem is that she’s “young” - 28 (he’s 41 and I’m in my mid 30’s). He went on saying how she was his former student that he taught earlier. And that she allowed him to open up about his break-up with his ex-gf and also about me (which surprised me), how she’s a wonderful person and he can see himself with her. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing… I don’t find it that unbelievable that there is now a third person. It sounds like it’s completely in keeping with all of his former behavior. The details he shared was unnecessary. Of course they were. He doesn’t have a bit of empathy for you. He’s incapable of even remotely understanding what you’re feeling or going through. He sounds like a classic narcissist. He said that he’s confused. He said he can see both of us in his life and (when asked) said that he still loves me and even enumerated the reasons why. Love is an ACTION. It’s what you DO, not what you SAY. He has not ONCE shown that he loves you. It’s a bunch of hooey. He said he knows he’s getting old, doesn’t want to end up alone and reflected on his past failures. Through-out this he kept expressing strong physical desire with me. He would initiate late night chats - and he would elaborate on his fantasies with me and would want to come over right away. I let him into my place on a few occasions (let me stress: we have never gone all the way, although he wanted too several times) - but what stumped me was that his chat was on the same context even “after” he told me about the 28 y/o. He said these were all the reason why he’s confused. Which further confused me.. He’s a sick puppy. He doesn’t know what he wants. He is willing to involve anything and anyone in his “confusion” and who cares about him and his confusion? What about YOU? What do you want? What do you think? What is good for YOU? He has been the tail wagging the dog with THREE different women. THREE. Not one, not two, but three…and to involve someone who was his student is REPREHENSIBLE. Absolutely abusing his power. This man is major ICK. MAJOR ICK. ICK!!! A few weeks later (after my return from my parents place), I asked him to come by my place and talk instead of emailing all the time (we sent each other daily emails), he started to beat around the bush - said he didn’t mind seeing me, but as “friends and nothing more”. Said he had no desire to hurt me. I asked to be direct with me - I asked him (point blank) if he was seeing someone else. His response: “I have been seeing someone and am making it work”… And he signed off. Its been over 2 months since. I think this is the only way it was going to end. You were there putting up with anything he dished out… constantly giving him what he wanted and demanding nothing in return. Nothing. It’s not that he had a desire to hurt you but he didn’t have a desire to NOT hurt you… your feelings mean nothing to him. NOTHING. BUT all the things you write about here confirms that if he is not narcissistic he is self-centered TO THE EXTREME. Everything is about him. Another point that still confuses me: Two weeks before he sent me his final email, he asked me (via IM) question, after question, about “true love” - “what is love and true love”? We had a 2hr chat session about it. He was asking me this after he knew how I felt about him. He said, he knew I was referring about my feelings about him - if we were together in the long run. I thought it was something positive from his side.. So I elaborated from my heart about what I thought - I told him there is a difference between romantic love and true love. That true love comes from helping each other during crisis and not leaving when times get tough… that true love never ends.. And 2 weeks later, it was, “i’m seeing someone and am making it work”. And that was the last I heard from him. I think you projected what all this meant. It didn’t mean anything. His actions said one thing and his words were somewhat intangible. You were looking for a needle in a haystack You were trying to school someone who cannot be schooled, someone who was calling the shots all along. In short, he probably didn’t even give a damn about this conversation. It meant something to you because you projected something onto him that probably wasn’t there. He was probably just making small talk and you were planning your future based on what you were reading “between the lines” that wasn’t there. From now on: listen to what people say and look at what they do. You seem to have been oblivious to both of these things. This isn’t really even someone who promised you the world. His behavior says he wasn’t really into it and not really that interested in it. It was a double slap in the face.. I was numb. And now the numbness has turned into sadness.. I was truly in love with this person. Why? He sounds like a dope. And someone completely incapable of treating you the way you deserve to be treated. I know that my part in it was wrong… I shouldn’t have ignored the red flags. Now I’m paying the price for waiting and wasting 2 yrs of my life, and for believing in him. How quickly he is able to find love again.. I don’t understand why he said the things he said and did the complete opposite? What still puzzles me is - why did he have to use the word, “love”.. even till the very end? He did not find love. He found another victim. Don’t puzzle over what he did, puzzle over what YOU did…how long you allowed this nonsense behavior to go on. Live and learn. Good riddance to bad rubbish. BUH BYE. The sad truth is that this person knew exactly how I felt about him. It was only a week before his IM question and answer chat about “love” that I told him (via email) that I loved him for all these years… despite everything. And when we were chatting, he told me that he knew my references and scenerios about “love” is about him. Again, the sad truth is that you were there for two years asking for nothing and letting him call the shots. Take your head out of the “love chat” and into reality. Stop being a martyr. Who cares what he knew? It doesn’t matter. He wants what he wants when he wants it. And you let him get away with that. Learn that you can do better, will do better and have to ask for things from people. This guy is a loser with a capital L. He did you a favor by moving on to another victim. He’s an esteemed professional- he has so many students and clients looking up to him, he’s gone through therapy, yet he continued to take advantage of someone who only loved him for himself. Could it have been about his image - his “public image”? It doesn’t matter. He sounds narcissistic and being in a position of power, which he abuses, makes me think even more. He’s completely out of touch. He’s a sad state of affairs. Its been a little over 2 months now (no contact since Aug) - thoughts of him and our times sometimes emerge in my mind (trying not to think). I don’t want to think about him - I’m thinking of sending an email as closure. He won’t care either way.. why would he now. He and I both reside in the hurricane affected area - he did not contact me to see if I’m okay, but does that mean I should be heartless as he..? Please help shed some of your wisdom… Do not send an email. Move along and don’t worry about him. As I said in the beginning, get a depression evaluation, get a therapist, work on your self-esteem and move on to someone a million times better. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

That's a perfect breeding ground for a Narc. His mother sounds like a Narc too. I was the black sheep - Narc mom LOATHED me - though I later realized she was jealous. Of what I will never understand. My 'little' brother was golden boy - he's got some N-ish traits but is NOT a full blown N... thank God. My mother emotionally eviscerated my Father... it was horrible. I will talk more about things she did to me. I think taking a knife to my throat was near the top of the list. My brother's child is adopted. My brother, his wife and I have always been close - until I had my kids. Then my Nmom started with the "not a real grandchild" thing. She drove a wedge between my brother and I for about 3 years. Finally I had to have a "come to Jesus" talk with my sister in law. When my mom found out she TWISTED it that my sister in law "finally told" me "off." My sister in law woke up!! She was stunned - she said "that is NOT what happened at all!" Once my sister in law realized, finally, what a nutjob my mother was - she saw what was going on. When my brother confronted her - Nmom said "She (me) put you up to this! That horrible hateful girl" -- the only one full of hate was her. My ex MIL is a psychopath. Sometimes I want to take exNH to her and say "You broke it, you bought it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

Get your children into counseling ASAP!! Ask your pediatrician for a recommendation. And put it in the divorce agreement THAT HE PAYS FOR IT. He was ALONE? Oh poor narcissist - no drama to create. Boo friggin' hoo. The girlfriend is in his "thrall" - wait until he pulls the rug out from under her too. Grow? Feh! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-children.html http://www.narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinMedia/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissisticpare.html http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/09/teaching-children-to-blame-victim.html http://organizedwisdom.com/Depression_and_Children_of_Narcissists http://narcissisticparents.blogspot.com/2008/03/come-ye-children-of-narcissists.html (as the child of a Narcissist, mallory - do everything you can to MINIMIZE their exposure to this soul-less thing calling himself a 'father.' I wish someone had done that for me. Don't fall for his B.S. - it can't last)

They can't keep it up forever Mallory. He's going to play this game of Mr. Great Dad for a while, until the divorce is final and/or the kid's aren't making him look good. Don't forget he LURED YOU into marriage by pretending to be a nice guy too!! Did THAT last? My kids are 12 now and in the last year they are REALLY starting to see through exNH. He still tries to be good Dad but they have told him to his face he's selfish and self-centered. Just keep the kids safe, see your lawyer and get tough. Full custody - and a psych eval for Mr. FAKE! or is it MR. CONFUSED? or is it MR. GREAT SEX? or is it Mr. (insert nonsense of the day here)? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

...for now he's this way, do you remember a time when he was a good guy with you too? He won't be able to keep it up because of the person he is...just stick to your guns that he has not been this way in the past, his needs were always first, you & the kids were last. He's showboating, again another typical behavior because he feels he's losing control. It may be annoying, be remember, it's just an act...this too shall pass. I feel badly for the kids in all this, but one day, you can explain to them to where they will understand. I would maintain good communication for their age level and understanding, to be sure that he's not filling their head with crap. That's why supervised visits are the way to go if possible in my opinion. And as kids get older, they get smarter, and can see through these acts. For them, and the proof will be in the pudding...

You are doing it for your children's sake. And you are doing the right thing. But remember that it shows who is really a person. Your ex is false, and your children will see it one day. maybe not for now. In the meantime, do something good for you, think about yourself, cuddle yourself, think of you and not to him for a change. My father told an Italian proverb "Time is a gentleman" and I believe it, I have seen this is already true. Let the time show who he is really. (((HUGS))) Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)