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Sitting here crying

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#1 Feb 19 - 8PM
nadine31
nadine31's picture

Sitting here crying

I had to leave work early and come home. I feel like I've been hit by a bowling ball in my heart and stomach.

I just had lunch with someone who saw the N at a function. This person ("Pete") was asking the N questions about what had happened.

(Background for those of you who don't know: we were together for a year. He cheated on me with 13 different people, and had an ongoing affair with his ex. I found out two months ago).

"Pete" told me that the Narc said that towards the end of the r/ship, he (N) was completely reckless with his cheating, and he felt like he even "wanted to get caught". He (N) also said that it was a problem that I didn't share the same hobbies as him (one hobby in particular that he's obsessed with. A sport). So I obviously meant a LOT to him then :)

Hearing this just makes me feel so raw again. He didn't say anything about me, only that he was sorry he'd hurt me. It just made me remember so vividly his volatility and coldness and I just can't understand why hearing this would effect me so much. I guess it's also knowing he's out and about.

I thought I was getting better - I have no contact with him whatsoever (asides from hearing this news) - but now I just am in pieces again.

Feb 20 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Contact = Pain.. 13 other

Contact = Pain.. 13 other other Women?. Wow ..what a player.. Or a PSYCHOPATH ... Just a another move on his part in the game of Narcville... Ihe move was designed to get to you.. Worked didn't it?? Tell this person you don't want to hear anything about him.. Hunter
Feb 20 - 7AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Are you sad?

Are you sad because this conversation brings home again the "senselessness" & "non-sense" of the entire relationship? How he never even saw you? How it is all about him? He cheated with 13 women in ONE YEAR! I bet you are one of those 13 women for yet another woman sho is as devasted as you. And he has the nerve to sit there in a bar & talk calmly about what he did. And another man sits there as if all this is normal. N is treated like a normal human being & this is a normal situation. And N is given credit for saying he's sorry he hurt you. He says that because that's what he's supposed to say. And then ultimately, YOU did not share his hobbies (grown men running after balls). therefore, you were both incompatible. Sounds like he's saying, whether or not I cheated, there was no future for us. And your mutual friend accepts this nonsense uncritically. Well, people are people & they don't want to get involved. Your mutual friend was snookered just as you were all those months you were with N. This is one reason why one really cannot even have thrid party contact with an N. It's the emotional rape over & over & over. Once the victim has seen through the con-artist, it's just so infuriating & hurtful to see that N is still out there & still getting away with it.
Feb 19 - 9PM
nadine31
nadine31's picture

Thanks guys. I wonder if

Thanks guys. I wonder if part of the difficulty with these episodes is the rage we feel that he is even allowed a 'voice' in all of this? As in, the Ns' thinking is distorted, and we know it - but other people don't - so the idea of them explaining to someone else 'what happened' makes us go spare. When I heard what he was saying - that he "wanted" to get caught, that we weren't compatible anyway - it makes me feel like I'm STILL being discarded by him somehow.
Feb 19 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Yes...every time you hear

Yes...every time you hear about something he said...you relive the experience all over again!!!!! It's not fun!!! Distance yourself from these people who can tell you things....it's the only way!!
Feb 19 - 9PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

This was

This was contact.....Contact=Pain!!!!!!! NC not only means ending contact with the Narc but anyone associated with him.. This is so painful.....it's not worth it to put yourself through this.... Remember this and break some ties with some people for a while......I did...and Im so much better because of it!! If these people are truley concerned with your well being they will understand...if not then they are not worth being a part of your life!! It's all about choices...choose what is going to feel right for you!!! xoxo
Feb 19 - 9PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

To me, this was the hardest

To me, this was the hardest part of the breakup...hearing from 'well meaning' friends, as to the happenings of the N. There is no such thing as a mutual 'friend' between a narc and a normal person. Either the 'friend' will side with you or the narc...in MOST cases? The 'friend' is exactly what this dude was...a reporter. A messenger. And now he'll dutifully run back to your ex...and share with him...everything you discussed. I understand you are raw, again. I went through this very same thing. Felt like I was getting better, and then a 'friend' would pop in and email me ...the nonsense that the N was saying about me. As hard as it will be...for you may truly consider some of these folks 'friends,' you need to get rid of each and every person who has a tie to your ex N. For you will continue to hear about your N through them. This part of healing is hard hard hard. I had to get rid of people who I truly thought were friends, but looking back...they were far from it. They were just messengers between the narc and myself. Just throwing that out there to you...because I remember that this impeded my own healing. (((hugs to you)))
Feb 19 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
freaked
freaked's picture

agree on that Common Friend thing...egad

Yes Deirdre, I am there at the same point as you have reached.... kicking myself for having opened myself up to 'common friend' who imho is the perfect messenger recruit by the love of my life... so what if I am not the love of my hss's life?? I will drench myself in my adoration of him...till I suffocate and tire of it. Repressing feelings of love is akin to trying to quit smoking....you just end up with a multiplieer effect. But, yes...the 'common friend' turned out to be my bigger enemy than the damaging CN .. as they say....hindsight is always 20/20.. Love yu sis...
Feb 19 - 9PM
ichooselife
ichooselife's picture

"I just can't understand why hearing this would affect me

so much." I know what you mean! I have not seen my N for over a month now, since the day I ran-into him in my neighborhood library and told him off. I was doing just fine, and a lady who knows who he is came up to me today and said she saw him and that he looks terrible. He's an addict, and is relapsing alot is why he looks like that. I honestly dont know why that upset me, but it does. That was my guess too is that maybe theres just something about knowing he's around.....she saw him at a meeting, which is where him and I first met. I dont know why im sad, and its really confusing to keep thinking your over them, then FEEL all over again when something like this happens. I cant figure it out either, but i understand.
Feb 19 - 8PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

He knew the conversation

He knew the conversation would get back to you. He counted on it. He used your mutual friend to get in your head. Try not to let him get to you like this. And ask Pete in the future to not report any narc sightings to you. You would prefer not to know. Who cares if he is out and about. He is a miserable being. Whether he is in or out. Just remember that. :)