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broken

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#1 Feb 14 - 6PM
peachesn
peachesn's picture

broken

I feel so broken, I've been tempted to contact him this past wk and say, "well done, you've succeeded in breaking me and I don't know what to do." I hate him so much. I hate the fact that I've been putting in so much time and effort into my healing and then I land flat on my face.

I was out w/ some friends tonite for v day drinks and she said, "M messaged me for my bday" (when I started to avoid the convo, she said, "Have you heard fr. him?" To whcih I replied, "Nope" and ran straight to the bar for more drinks. And then the toilet where I cried my eyes out that some random girl (bless her) was asking if I was OK.

Thing is, I've told all my friends that I don't want to hear a/b him EVER!!!!!!!! It just hurts so bad and again, I felt like calling him and saying, "well done, you've broken me yet again"...how dare he contact my friend for her bday. But then agian, fair play...that prick knew that would get back to me and hurt me.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the eve choking back tears and acting as if nothing had happened. I hate him so much. I've really been putting up a good fight and then, boom, I'm flat on my feet again.

I know they say forgiveness is important but I just hate him so much and I just feel stuck in my healing. Damn him!!!

Feb 14 - 8PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Me personally, I don't

Me personally, I don't believe you have to forgive anyone for treating you poorly. Is forgiveness ideal? Only if it makes you feel better. If it doesn't make you feel better, than why do it? I remember when my stepdad died and was laid out at the funeral home. I stood over his casket and forgave him for physically and sexually abusing me. Why? Because I was a "good" person and "everyone" deserves to be forgiven. It wasn't for many years later, through my own journey to healing, that I discovered quite the opposite..................he didn't deserve my forgiveness. He violated me in ways that could have and should have landed him in jail. He robbed me of my innocence and you know what I did? I went to the cemetery to took back my forgiveness. I didn't deserve what he did to me, and he doesn't deserve my forgiveness. Am I bitter and angry? No.......I have resolved myself to the fact that what is done is done, and I can not turn back the hands of time and make it any different, but I can heal. And that's what I did, I healed. To be bitter and angry would have allowed him to keep what he robbed from me, and I wasn't about to allow that to happen either. So forgiveness, unless it is truly what makes you whole, as a person, and you find that it stands in the way of healing if you don't forgive, than by all means, forgive. Otherwise, me personally, I find forgiveness to be over-rated. He never once asked for forgiveness, so why did I voluntarily give it to him? Because I am an empath. On another note, your friends, get them in line as well. This is where learning to create boundaries come in. You said it once, you shouldn't have to repeat yourself. You asked nicely not to bring the narc up, they should respect that, they should respect you. Tell her, that you can not partake in any conversations what so ever that have to do with him, and the minute he is mentioned you will have no choice but to leave. And if she brings him up................leave. She will get the hint. And if she is a true friend, she won't have to experience that but once. Boundaries, it's an amazing tool. Turn that frown upside down, and know that tomorrow is a new day. You can put this ridiculous, manufactured holiday behind you and start anew tomorrow. Stay strong and stay convicted. Remember, your are worthy, he is worthless.
Feb 14 - 7PM
peachesn
peachesn's picture

This is a bit unclear, I

This is a bit unclear, I blame the wine, lol. WHen I say 'she', I mean my friend. As in he contacted my friend (either texted or facebooked her, I didn't ask for the details). I need to have a chat w/ her tomorrow morn. Ugh.
Feb 14 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Fearless
Fearless's picture

awwe peachesn

sorry for your pain, anger, and frustration...all justified indeed. I believe you and agree...he texted her so it would get to you. I would definitely remind your friend that you do not want to hear or know anything about him whatsoever. She may not have realized how adamant you are in going full out NO CONTACT. If she knows, this seems a bit insensitive on her part. I'd gently remind her, he's HISTORY! -fefe

FeFe

Feb 14 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
13Moons13
13Moons13's picture

Peaches, I feel your pain

Peaches, I feel your pain girl..I am here for you..he texted, emailed or face booked your friend so it would get back to you....if she is truly your friend she should block him from everything, too..he will clearly stop at nothing to get to you. Somehow we will get through another day.
Feb 15 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
peachesn
peachesn's picture

Thanks for the gorgeous

Thanks for the gorgeous advice! I luckily had an appointment w/ my therapist arranged for today and it couldn't have come at a better time! We worked through some of my experiences w/ abusive men when I was a child and how much of that has played itself out in my adult life. Re: my friend, my therapist was puzzled by my friend's involvement in the situation and I really think she doesn't realise how much I'm acutally hurting. To the outside world he's charming, witty and the kind of guy you want to know. Even though I've explained everything he's done, some ppl just don't get it. I sometimes think that if he had hit me and I had physical proof of the abuse, ppl would understand a bit more. (I'm not saying this disrespectfully to anyone who has had to deal w/ the trauma of violence) but emotional abuse is often tricky to spot and pick up on. I'm going to have a face-to-face chat w/ my friend and remind her of my boundaries which are never to be violated. @ Sparrow, you are an absolute goldmine when it comes to advice on these matters. Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to forgive (now or ever, it's up to me!) I think I was in a rush to forgive him b/c I saw it as sthg that had to happen if I was going to heal. I'm just going to take my time and see if I can forgive him for 4 yrs of hell. Hmm...not sure. Again, thank you all. Blessings xx