Done!

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 11 - 11PM

Movingforwardnow

Done!

I am done. I quit. Can not deal with this pain another second. I am out!! I can't heal, I can't fix it and I can't even fathom it. I have tried reading, talking , praying, therpay, support group etc.....and I can't invest anymore of myself. Thers is nothing left to invest. I am out! I fake smiles, and stregth and I am done with the fake it til you make it. I give up! Sorry but I am empty and and have nothing left.

#2 Feb 12 - 9AM

Fearless

you're strong

when turning 51 on my birthday last month i remember seeing a Betty Davis quote: "getting old is not for sissy's" I think the same can be said for recovering victims of narcheads. stay strong sweet M You will get there

FeFe

#3 Feb 12 - 8AM

ruby01 (not verified)

MFN

I, as well as others here, can relate to the "fake it til you make it" tactic. In my experience it does eventually bring you closer to indifference. I have had to see this man for 9 months due to work and it was a HUGE act in the beginning to appear apathetic. Each time I did not focus and be completely conscious before I saw him I would open myself up to another attempt at him demeaning me. Through the passing of time I have become completely aware of how important it has been to keep a straight face and NEVER let my guard down. It does work and it is absolutely necessary in recovery. I can now tell you that it is no longer an act for me. It has become obvious to me that nothing he says or does is real. It's 100% textbook manipulative ploys. Hang in there- keep "faking" it because one day you will realize that you are no longer having to make a huge effort. It will become real.

#4 Feb 12 - 7AM

janemarie

Why fake it?!?!?!

I think your fatigue and desire to give up comes from the strength you are using to "fake it"!!!! Dont fake it....live it, be it,!!!! If you wanna cry...do it If you wanna tell people to leave you the hell alone right now....do it If you wanna yell...do it!!!!! You have been thru so much and are very entitled to act out as you feel....who gives a shit what the people at work will think or what your friends will think....in the end, if these people are worth a damn they will be behind you and support your feelings....if not...well then you know who they truely are and screw em!!!!! It takes a lot of effort to fake your feelings...I do it at work when I have to deal with 5 year olds...Im always exhausted by the end of the day...its exhausting..... Use the effort to focus on YOUR NEEDS.... Feel how you need to feel...do whatever you have to do to help yourself heal.....screw everyone else!!!! xoxo

#5 Feb 12 - 7AM

Hunter

UGH!! No one said it was

UGH!! No one said it was easy.. You've come this far..why stop now ? This headfuck takes a lot of time.. Hunter

#6 Feb 12 - 1AM

Sparrow

Don't give up my friend. Do

Don't give up my friend. Do you know how many times I have felt that way? This is only the beginning for you. Healing, if you are lucky, takes at minimum, 18 months. You have a ways to go, and what you are experiencing is very natural. You have a good year of healing left to go, and as discouraging as that sounds, it will pass before you know it. Stay strong, keep your head in the game. You need to survive this, we all do. Trust me when I tll you, there are many here that remember all to well what you are going through and know that you will get to the end of your journey, with our help. That's why we remain. Don't give up on you, we won't either.

#7 Feb 11 - 11PM

Fearless

Whats WRONG?

What happened to make you want to give up hon? Please use this forum to vent...get it out...you are obviously upset about something...just don't give up. Would you be willing to at least get the frustration out of you and put it out there? Perhaps someone else on here has had the feelings you are going through RIGHT NOW...and they may be able to help. Please just try...it can't hurt to simply try. -fefe

FeFe

#8 Feb 11 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

Movingforwardnow

fefe

I dont want to come across as its all about me so I pretend and pretend and fake and fake. But I am miserable and I am aware so are may others. I loved this man. I gave my all and I allowed my kids to fall in love with him too. I havent allowed myself to be that vulneralbe in many years, I am just wallowing in self pity and I am sure or hope it will pass. I am jsut being honest with where I am right now it it totally sucks! I feel lost, lonely, confused and just am done. I am not sure I can take it another day, second or minute. Its a complex story and drains me and has me at my wits end. I just want it to end. I want to be done, done, done. I dont want to fight life anymore. I dont want to hold on with all my might anymore. I just want it to quit.

#9 Feb 12 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

jackguy

Movingforwardnow

You aren't doing anything wrong...this is probably just another layer of grief...I have felt the way you describe...that I am done with all and any kind of recovery stuff...that I am worse after a long period of attempts at recovery...but our recovery happens to us even though we feel we are getting nowhere...when things seem hopeless. And be careful calling yourself self-pitying...I have had bouts of what I've called self-pity when in fact it is just a part of me crying out for people to be sane, reasonable, emotionally honest etc...even aside from full blown pds there isn't much emotional honesty about...I know the world doesn't revolve around me but I don't have to join in with its madness as well...so I just go along developing my own values. And sometimes that means feeling like shit and isolated...but really I'm just coming to terms with things

#10 Feb 12 - 3AM (Reply to #5)

nlvr7

Dont let him win.

#11 Feb 12 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

Fearless

TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!

I hear you sweet girl...It's exhausting. Tonight I cried like a baby all over again. It's the second rollercoaster ride if you ask me. The first being in love with these guys, all the ups and downs, good and bad, happy and sad...sure one minute he's the best thing that ever happened to us and we are made to feel that we're the love of his life...next thing you know, we feel like he's going to dump us in a heartbeat...what the hell? Now that we have been D/D...throws us away and we land on yet another rollercoaster ride from hell. This one is harder if you ask me. We have been used to (and brainwashed) into thinking if something is wrong, our hero will fix it. We yearn for his comfort, him to make things right, because he has us doubting everything about ourselves we can't imagine making things better all by ourselves. Well listen to me...WE ARE GOING TO BE FINE. WE ARE GOING TO BE BETTER! A BETTER YOU = A BETTER MOMMY. This is what you want, I know it. I also know how INCREDIBLY hard and tiring it is to do the work. I want the 8 week group session to be 9:30 of the last session RIGHT NOW! I want to be DONE as well. Unfortunately it's just not going to be that easy. I know you are tired but please don't quit. Perhaps you simply just need a break. Gather those precious children and go for a ride tomorrow. Take a picnic lunch or stop somewhere new for burgers/fries. Driving is a good way to take your mind off of things... You may discover something new and interesting that only you and your children will experience. This can be a good, new memory shared by you and your babies...start of a new life just for you all. Is this something you feel comfortable doing? -fefe

FeFe

#12 Feb 12 - 5AM (Reply to #4)

Snowflake

Movingforward

God I so know where you are right now x

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