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cloudy head...

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#1 Nov 30 - 1PM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

cloudy head...

cloudy head...

Im always such a cloudy head...
But when I was with the N, my head was in constant fog.

I would just be ok in the moment, and when I would leave to go home, I would hit depression zone. While I was with him I had moments of anxiety but also moments of bliss, when I wasn't with him, my head with spin, with stuff he did/said...his actions/words....and everything would get blurry again. I only felt reassurance knowing he lived with my best friend and she told me everything.

I would worry ALL the time, what was he doing, who was he with, was he cheating? and also with his lack of clarity....you know the typical, your not my gf, but then use words like...we should, in the future, your with me...etcetc. Making me want it, but never fully giving it to me. He would refer to my body as "its his" "he owned it"....and only now do I see the control in that opposed to thinking that was love before.

Its embarrassing, especially when everyone (my friends, his friends, HIS family) couldn't see why I would stay. Its also makes me feel "sick"....like so blinded by
feeling/emotion I wasn't clear enough to stick up for myself and lay down the law. I have always stuck up for myself, practically raised myself....and I think I did pretty good overall only to regress and fall backwards. I pretended as well, he was "partially" honest and of course not all the time, but it was the type of stuff that was more "just said casually" and with "sarcasm" and some of the stuff so unbelievable, that I didn't believe anyone could think/act this way all the time listening to excuses and blocking it out.

His deep insecurities kept me in it, thinking he was just a little needy and needed me to help. Its this sick thinking that gave me this gigantic cloudy head. I really dont have a point to this post, Im just posting....letting this buildup of thoughts outta my head.

Thanks ladies.

Dec 1 - 9AM
4joys4
4joys4's picture

I see this is common for

I see this is common for those of us trying to recover from the Ns. I get into this obsessive thinking. I play over and over again all the things that happened. It's like I'm a train going down a track full speed. I don't stop at any destination or stations! haha! I'm laughing, but it really isnt funny. Each thought triggers an emotion and by the time I am hours into it, I'm a mess! Anger, shame, quilt, frustration...all of it in one big bundled mess. The fog was there when he totally abandoned me and took everything with him at the worst possible time in my life. That's shock, the fog. Its trying to protect you. It does wear off. Thanks for your post.
Dec 1 - 8AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

they are so pathetic!!

wow...its amazing the damage these creatures do. what also amazes me is how they become so obsessive....mine would call me with the dumbest things, and I would then wonder what the point was. I now see it was for attention. If I wasnt paying enough attention he would force me to, and by that I mean call me with some ridiculous nonsense. Just to get me interested in a conversation with him, and on top of that just to check up on me, Im sure of it now. Even if he had something on the side, he convinced himself, I was #1....so even if he was cheating (it would be just sex) no emotion. So I shouldn't get mad because I get the total package...>WOW...thanks. God I hope he gets what he deserves. And what emotion....there is none!!!!!!!!! Were your N's obsessive?
Nov 30 - 2PM
devastated27
devastated27's picture

U r not alone

I dont know if this will make you feel any better but I can absolutley relate to all that you are saying. I thought I was the only one who had a cloudy head from dealing with a man like this.Some time my mind goes into a negative wallowing frenzy where I feel so low. Or I sit and reminisce or daydream of different things that took place between the N and I. Im trying to control those thoughts and my depression. Of course our friends and family dont understand because they have never been in a relationship like one with a N. I guess we only can relate to one another thank GOD for this forum. I still have a cloudy head although he has left me for someone else in which I should be jumping for joy lol... but the confusion and emotions and abrubt dismissal of me have me shocked sometimes. Reading your post helps me to remember those consistent let downs, rages, N behavior and not to think of the so few moments of bliss I had with him. Hopefully after a while our minds wont be so clouded with the aftermath with dealing with a self consumed fool. Hope it gets better for you
Nov 30 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
trininickb (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

what to do?

I saw my wife in a club, a year before I meet her, she was strong, confident, and beautiful I just watched her leave without saying anything to her. Two years later I married her. I meet her through her cousin, who introduce us, Now her cousin who my was my best friend, don’t even talk to me know more, why, because my wife has destroyed our relationship, telling him stories to discredit me and it has worked. There is nothing I could do about it who would believe a family member who you love and trust has a personality disorder and is lying about everything she has said about you.
Nov 30 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

whatever2009

I was like that for about 13 months after Psycho-Boy it's the hormones wearing off takes a LOOOONG time ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 30 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Monica
Monica's picture

Thank you for reminding us, Barbara...

I need to be reminded over and over again how LONG it takes to recover from this. I've only been officially "out" for about a month...unofficially (started the getting out phase) for 3 months. I have cloudy head, too, and it is a comfort to know that hormones are involved and they will eventually correct themselves. This board is a God send for me. I'm not sure I would still be around if it weren't for here and being able to hear how others are recovering and get support for myself. Thank you for everything.
Nov 30 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Monica

they will eventually correct themselves But it will become PERMANENT and the PTSD will entrench itself if you aren't in THERAPY and getting professional help. Just this board doesn't cut it. took me 4 years and a lot of intensive counseling and medication Sandra Brown, MA's retreats are another good alternative. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 30 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
devastated27
devastated27's picture

Barbara

I am going to begin counseling in Jan 2010 to help me get through this. I was in a relationship with this man for 7 years so damage has been done to my head. I wonder when I go do inform my therapist that I was in an emotional abusive relationship whith a man I believe to have NPD qualities? I want to begin right where my issue is.
Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

wouldn't call it qualities

Hi, yes i wouldn't call it qualities lol. More like ailments
Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Devastated,,You Better Read Up!!!!!

Read up on ALL YOU CAN on psychopaths, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Research online. Get books, Barabara has some FANTASTIC REFERENCES. It will start to make sense. They are not normal. It will take you sometime,, dedicate,,,some time. Everyday, the weekend, read up about the indicators of the disorder, you will see the person in these descriptions. You have been dealing with a very disordered, pathological person. Stay away from them. No matter what. That means no phone calls. No email. No texts. No "getting together to work through things" You will realize how much control he had over you. Now it is your task to get control back over you, and your life. These people delight in maniuplation, and actually seeing you suffer,,,yes hon,, until you cannot function. Not cool. Read some literature, in print, or online.
Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

devastated

go on the MY BLOG section of this site start reading - ALL THE WAY TO THE END it keeps from people asking the same questions over & over & over and brings you up to speed QUICKLY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 30 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
devastated27
devastated27's picture

:)

Thanks everyone I am going to take heed and start researching more. I have been reading on this website for about two months but I relapsed and got sucked back in. I have to get it together for me. Thanks for the encouragement and advice it really helps.