Comparing to OW

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#1 Feb 3 - 1AM

RubyWoo

Comparing to OW

I found out the woman he slept with barely 3 weeks after leaving me (probably even before that) after 9 years of history with me (6 of those in a relationship) is who I suspected he was seeing during summer, before my final D&D.

The N turned 29 last week. She is 35 years old, a “wild child” who has slept with at least 30 men during her life, never lived with or had a serious long lasting relationship…

I turn 28 years old today, so responsible and calm, lost my virginity to him at 22 years old and he’s the only man I have ever slept with.

He knew that, he knew all this. And still he wanted HER instead of me? Still it was worth throwing away a girlfriend like me for a woman like that?

And why do I feel SO inadequate, why do I feel she must have been hotter, funnier, sexier than me?

Spinning today, really really spinning.

#2 Feb 3 - 5PM

dazed

A lot of good advice from

A lot of good advice from everyone here. You are thinking like a normal person but these people are nowhere near normal. It is not personal. No need to compare. Doesn't matter how wonderful and attentive you were to him. It is what they do. This article that Lisa posted last year has helped me a lot. http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/03/17/why-narcissist-inevitably-devalues-discards-dd-you Read. Learn. It will take time but you will feel better. Celebrate yourself today. You have survived. You will flourish. Happy Birthday Ruby.

#3 Feb 3 - 4PM

vFox

She is NOT better than you!!

I know just how you feel. Im 33. N is 33. OW is 22. Always reminded me of a saying Carrie Bradshaw said "And then I realized, twenty something girls are just fabulous until you see one with the a man who broke your heart." I hated that I let myself feel threatened by her. Younger, super cute, innocent, fun, etc...everything he stopped seeing me as. As for the Madonna vs. Whore...It made me feel like the whore!! But then when he came back around, like I knew he eventually would, I felt sorry for her. Yes he likes her because she is young, and naive and inexperienced. He can totally take advantage of this poor girl. Its not about her or me. Its about him. And he will and is treating her no differently than he treated me. As sick as it sounds, I get comfort in knowing that they ultimately will not last, he will treat her badly, that his true colors will eventually come out and he will be the same no matter who he is with...so better the OW than us.

#4 Feb 3 - 8AM

Used

rubywoo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY..... It is not anything lacking in you...its what is lacking in him......He took something VERY IMPORTANT FROM YOU..... BUT B/C HE IS WHO HE IS, YOU ARE ACTUALLY TO GOOD FOR HIM....HE KNOWS THIS AND SO IS WITH A WOMEN WHO IS AT HIS LEVEL.....IT ISN'T ANYTHING YOU HAVE DONE OR NOT DONE... IT IS HIM...JANEMARIE IS CORRECT, YOU WERE THE MADONNA....

#5 Feb 3 - 8AM

janemarie

Happy Birthday!!! Read up on

Happy Birthday!!! Read up on the "Madonna vs the Whore" They are sick...sometimes they want the Madonna (you) and sometimes they want the Whore (her) Sometimes they just want something new to get a new fill from new supply...It's about their need at the time, nothing about you!!!! Mine did the same to me...the OW is 6 years older than me and (not to be mean) very ugly....I used to think "My God, if youre gonna go elsewhere at least try to get someone better looking than me!" But it has nothing to do with looks or age...it has to do with "who fills their ego or need" at the time...thats it!!!! We are nothing but possessions, or objects for them to use for their benefit...Hard to swallow, but its the truth...not love.... Let her be his possession now...someone he is using....you have broken free to find real love....a real man.... This has nothing to do with you!!! xoxo

#6 Feb 3 - 4AM

LightAtTheEndOf...

Happy Birthday RubyWoo! OW is

Happy Birthday RubyWoo! OW is an object - yes it took me time to get my head around this too but she truly is an object. Shes not your adversary... there is nothing to compare.. she is us. Don't sweat the particulars, Ruby i can connect with your feelings as im the same age as you, though 29 on Tuesday Arghhhh! lol We will be ok and learn from this painful experience, once you see them for who they are.. the tears slowly turn to laughter its a pitiful existence. Light x

#7 Feb 3 - 5AM (Reply to #14)

RubyWoo

Thank you!! May I ask what

Thank you!! May I ask what did you do to stop comparing or obsessing, or feeling hurt that he slept with someone else? :( Happy birthday to you too by the way!!! Fellow aquarian!!

#8 Feb 3 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

janemarie

abusednomore is right

Read, educate yourself and understand that this OW is in no way BETTER than you ....she is just a different supply for him.... Once I understood that, I looked at the OW differently...then I heard from some mutual friends of ours that SHE is a very vulnerable person who will believe anything she is told...Just from knowing that, I know I am a BETTER person for someone....SHE is just gonna be his puppet..perfect for him...I actually feel sorry for her because she has NO idea what she is in for.... It is NOT you....there is NOTHING wrong with you...it wouldnt have matter if you did EVERYTHING he wanted perfectly....when they want new supply they go and get it..like a beast looking for food.....She is just different, not better....Let her have that distorded ASS!!!!!!!! He is HER problem now!!! Hang in there...youll make it!!! xoxo

#9 Feb 3 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

abusednomore

Read Read Read. My exnarc

Read Read Read. My exnarc left me in july and i found out about the OW in november after my friend saw a photo on facebook of them both on holiday and they had just got engaged! i was so upset and angry and not be mean too but she is 11 years younger than him (he is 33 and she is 21) and she looks like a horse!!!!! I can remember lookin thru his friends on facebook before he left and lookin at her profile pic (she works at the same place as him Red flag!!!!!) and thinkin shes nothing to worry about!!!!! haha! Anyways, i still feel i compare myself sometimes but i come onto this board and reread posts about this issue and remind myself that we are supply, and that is exactly what she is to him now! and we are soooo much better out of it, and just remind urself u know what shes got coming to her, but prob ten times worse! my cares about karma are getting less tho, i cant wait for the day but in a way, as the days go by, i find myself thinking about it less. Time really is a healer, but i know its hard to realise that at the beginning. Good luck, and remember all the good things about you because u r a beautiful person who can feel emotions and thats something to celebrate.xxxxx

#10 Feb 3 - 5AM (Reply to #15)

LightAtTheEndOf...

Thank you Ruby, Ruby it

Thank you Ruby, Ruby it didn't come overnight at all. I read all i could about PD's. In my head it was ingrained that my ex Narc/BPD left me because i wasn't good enough. He always had a preference for Oriental girls and that isn't my ethnicity. When i caught him cheating the OW was oriental. I harboured this all the time, thinking if only i had been Oriental then he wouldn't behave this way to me, he would be kinder x y and z... However Ruby this man's ex wife was Oriental and he DD'ed her after 12months of marriage.. the answer to my "pain" had always stared me right in the face. The OW he left me for was Oriental and sure enough she received her first (of many) DD'ed in December last year. You see Ruby i should have listened to him. He told me what he was and i didn't listen/believe him. He also always told me that his behaviour had nothing to do with me not being Oriental lol and he was right!! This is what they do, as sure as the sun will set.. the Narc will carry on acting like an asshole to everyone he gets intimate with (im sorry "fakes" intimacy with) We are objects, to be picked up and used when they feel unless we break the cycle. Your ex Narc WILL get bored of the OW he left you for, after that 6month period sometimes sooner is when the facade starts to wear off. In that time Ruby you have to strengthen yourself for when he comes back to hoover you... as this he WILL do. I used to ask the same question as you Ruby soooo many times, i was right where you were. OW doesnt get it better, the cycle repeats. She isnt getting treated any better than us, shes getting the same old.. and after the honeymoon.. comes the nightmare xx

#11 Feb 3 - 3AM

Soldier Girl

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday ruby woo A fresh start new year for you Stay strong beautiful ! X

#12 Feb 3 - 3AM (Reply to #12)

RubyWoo

I am really trying, but it's

I am really trying, but it's so hard when you feel so bad about yourself :(

#13 Feb 3 - 3AM

Pumpkin

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday and please don't spin. A decent man would want a woman like you! Which means he isn't worthy of you. Decent men want someone with morals. He sooo didn't deserve you.

Pumpkin

#14 Feb 3 - 3AM (Reply to #9)

RubyWoo

Thank you Pumpkin. I really

Thank you Pumpkin. I really did think he had morals. He used to say "I need a connection to sleep with someone, I'm not like all other men looking for pussy with some skank" After sleeping with her he changed his words to "I needed human contact and felt so alone, it doesn't mean I liked or loved her"

#15 Feb 3 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

aquabella

That is a load of crap...my N

That is a load of crap...my N said that too, meanwhile screwing any woman that would have him. It hurts, but NOTHING they say is true...not the first word, not the last word, and none of the words in between. Keep reading, learning, and recognizing this disorder for what IT is....because it's all HE is. There is no good side. xoxo Lynn

#16 Feb 3 - 2AM

midnight7

Dear RubyWoo, he didn't want

Dear RubyWoo, he didn't want her rather than you - to be brutally honest Ns don't really want any woman they are with. Once a woman is secured and giving regular supply she's already somewhat devalued in his mind simply for being silly enough to fall for him and stay and she becomes secondary supply and bottom of the supply food chain. The N then needs more supply, more exciting preferably primary supply, from elsewhere. The N probably hoped to be able to keep both of you hanging permanently. You have to be vigilant now as you are still vulnerable to his returning to hoover. The Ns behaviour is not personal, he cannot love anyone - he just desperately wants supply. One woman is never enough for a N. It is of no significance what her character is. It is of no significance where the N is/what he's doing - the N is history. You're feeling great pain because you experienced real feelings something a N can't do and it is your welfare/well-being that is now of prime import. Happy Birthday RubyWoo, this is a good day I promise you and everyone here is celebrating this with you - you are N free if you want to be, you are still very young, this is the first day of your new journey to freedom. Go NC TODAY! Change all your contact details or block the N completely, read, read everything, visit many N sites, watch Sam Vaknin youtube videos, Thomas Sheridan also on youtube, is gaining ground as an authority - he pulls no punches they aren't Ns they are psychopaths! Keep coming to the forum, gain knowledge, insight, the tools to work with - this will lead you towards healing, peace, and a new free life full of activity and people who are able to respect and love you. If you start today every birthday will be a double celebration of your birth and that you chose this day to break free. You're a survivor, a strong woman ready to meet any challenge. You will survive this and thrive. You are not alone.

#17 Feb 3 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

alicepaul

I agree with you Midnight.

They can't attach to anyone. They only attach to the excitement of the pursuit, the hunt. Or they get their kicks knowing they are stringing along two or more women and will create chaos by triangulation. They never really like anyone. That fact is something I can't even comprehend, but knowing that has helped me so much.

#18 Feb 3 - 3AM (Reply to #5)

RubyWoo

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your kind words, I think that's what I need to wrap my head around, the fact that he doesn't prefer her or me he just uses whatever is available at the moment. I'm trying to shake this 'I've been replaced' feeling off. I told him, "you knew that by sleeping with her I could never sleep with you again, and you still did it. You chose her" He didn't reply. I hope I can be free of all this crap one day. Right now I wish I could sleep for 4 or 5 years and wake up in a completely different head space!

#19 Feb 3 - 3AM (Reply to #6)

midnight7

Dear RubyWoo, you have not

Dear RubyWoo, you have not been replaced - this is reactive thinking let's turn this around to new ways of proactive positive thinking - You have left him behind. You've left that evil monster, that poor excuse for a human being so far behind he's on another planet - he's an insignificant speck. You were exactly right 'he uses whatever is available' - pure evil. You can 'be free of this crap' right here, right now, today. Have compassion for you, rest, sleep if you need to, eating well and exercise are vital too, if you have a good support network - be with someone you trust, talk therapy (therapist or one on one with Goldie). Go NC immediately. Celebrate - it's your birthday! It's your first day of freedom if you choose it to be.

#20 Feb 3 - 2AM

kartaga

we were their mirrors for

we were their mirrors for their own false image. we saw in them what they wanted us to see. it wasnt real. they are doing something similar. they mirror our image. the way they want us to see ourselves. inadequate. imperfect. insecure. its not real. you are more than he ever wants you to see for yourself.

#21 Feb 3 - 3AM (Reply to #2)

RubyWoo

Thanks honey, I hope I can

Thanks honey, I hope I can stop feeling so absolutely worthless one day. Right now "inadequate. imperfect. insecure" describes me pretty well! :(

#22 Feb 3 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

Victim-no-more

Ruby, I can relate. Mine

Ruby, I can relate. Mine didn't want me for a "relationship" for whatever reason. He chose another woman to be relationship material over me. She smokes crack, and is a cashier at a grocery store, and he physically abuses her. I am the total oppositeof this woman. I do believe its the Madonna/whore thing. Probably the same case with yours. We are too good for them, they need women lower than us that will tolerate more abuse than us and that they can totally dominate. its all about control.

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