Difficult time of sorrow

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#1 Jan 23 - 9PM

newlifeway

Difficult time of sorrow

I am so disappointed in my husband and heart ache is so hard. I feel like I have been thrown away. I feel like he doesn't love the kids. I don't see any emotion from him, almost as if he is relieved of me.

He just moves on to his new 18 year old that he can mold into the perfect N supply for himself. He walks out with ease, like it's nothing like he is unashamed.

I am sickened by him! I hate that he can DO THIS ! and LIVE WITH HIMSELF!! the way he can be so unattached. It hurts so much that he doesn't care.

He told me he gave me the best he could, said he offered to keep the marriage together and work it out and said we had to attend therapy. Now, he says since I have my attorney and I don't want to work it out he will move on with his life and take care of this OtherGirl and his baby now. He told me he understands I can't go on with a baby on the way. And, he just leaves. He is moving out, and in with her.

He wants to tell the kids 'daddy is going on a business trip'. Even though he has never gone before, I have a hard time with this. But I don't want to tell the kids just yet. I just don't. I am not ready. He said maybe this will help and his departure won't be traumatic on them this way.

I have told him I don't know that is the right idea. I am not sure what to tell them. Do we also say that Daddy had a 'travel baby'?~?~??~?

I honestly have no clue what to tell my 3, 6 and 9 year old children. I am at a loss I want to cry. I don't want to explain it!

I am so sad that he treats our marriage as if a business deal, I have not seen him torn up or sick over hurting me or losing me! sad or upset over losing his every day relationship with the kids! He agreed to move out and I should be happy for that. Instead I am so heartbroken that he cares so little. That his love for me feels like it was nothing. My right arm is still hurt and I feel so much more vulnerable. I am so angry with him and don't have the energy or outlet to get my anger out at him!!

I wanted him to care about us!! I wanted our family to matter, I wanted him to see what he lost. It just seems he doesn't care at all!!

And this hurts so damn much to realize.

It WAS easy for him to CHEAT on me , all these months now, it was easy for him because he never loved me. I keep thinking when I married him, and how could I of been so wrong? so fooled? so blind to this behavior?

I can't believe how little he really cares for me and the kids.

sorrow fills my heart and this love I felt for him feels so cold and empty now

came across this quote and wanted to share with all of you

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it. --Helen Keller

Peace & Hope to you all tonight

#2 Jan 24 - 11AM

Movingforwardnow

newlifeway

I am not a therapist or a counselor jsut a mom like you. This is just an opinion and certainly not advice or am I saying the right way to handle the kids...I have no idea. I feel so bad for you and I wish I knew exactly what to say but I believe...honesty in the best policy. Find out how to explain it to them in their terms and not in "grown up " language. I don't really know, I just know that lying never turns out ok. He has no right to ask you to lie for him. He needs to Man Up! Sorry you are going through this and I wish I knew what to say.

#3 Jan 24 - 8AM

janemarie

My heart goes out to you and

My heart goes out to you and your children.... There is a book by Judith S. Wallerstein titled What About the Kids? Raising Children before, during and after Divorce.....there is a chapter in it about how and when to tell the children....this book was my bible when I was going through my divorce...and I still refer to it on occasion. xoxo

#4 Jan 24 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

newlifeway

thanks

for this suggestion I will look up this book today, I need to know how to help them adjust to this and handle the emotions too...thanks so much

#5 Jan 24 - 4AM

Used

newlifwway

You are having such a hard time, I well understand that.... But he has given up any rights to tell you to lie to your children.....he is doing this to leave his options open when his R/S breaks down with her[WHICH IT WILL], and so that when he sidles back, your children will be ok with him, b/c they think he has been on a buisness trip, and not dropped you all for someone else... I imagine you have covered his back many times as i did with my exns, the time has come for you not to cover for him and lie for him.....tell them the truth, as kindly and gently as you can... THEN YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD ONE DAY AT A TIME.... LIE FOR HIM NO WAY.....IF HE DIDNT KNOW WHAT A SHITTY THING HE WAS DOING ,HE WOULDNT NEED YOU TO LIE FOR HIM....GOOD LUCK.XXXX

#6 Jan 24 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

newlifeway

Used

I don't want to lie to them, that will be what it is. I am concerned for them - for them dealing with these major emotions and the pain for losing their father. I thought maybe I will just let him do it, let him explain it. I can't help but want to PROTECT them FROM HIM! He wanted to spare them pain of him leaving - I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place!

#7 Jan 24 - 4AM

Done sourcing

Hang in there. The deatails

Hang in there. The deatails are always unique and different, but the story is really the same. We discovered at some point that they never were capable of truly feeling what we thought they were feeling. We bought the mask, and believed that it would all work out somehow. And then we discovered we were very wrong. And what a complete shock when the discard and abandonment come. Shock and incomprehensible devastation. And true to almost all of them, they appear to have it all figured out and are already living their brand new lives. Welcome to a new life, that is going to take some hard work to get used to, that is for sure. Kids make it even more complicated, alot of us here know this first hand, including me. But always remember that the kids don't need too much information, instead, as always, they just need your complete love and acceptance as they get used to the new living situation. While he is in this power position he will feel totally free to do and say whatever occurs to him. Make him dead to you and give him nothing but your back...he lost the priviledge of hearing your voice or getting any emotion from you at all. Close him out and shut him down. You have a better chance of negotiating with a wall than with a Narc. They lie, cheat, and steal at will...and that never changes. Let the magical thinking go as soon as you feel it coming, and live in the reality that he is sick and was sick and will continue to be so. Period. You will survive this just fine, and it is for the best that he is gone, let him go and never let him have any part of you again...He doesn't deserve you. ds

#8 Jan 24 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

newlifeway

thank you

I will turn my back on him. I understand children make things more complicated, I am just unsettled by how at ease he is right now. It is so sad to me that he doesn't mourn the loss of his family, or our life together. I thought we were happy. I thought wrong. Thank you for your words, you all have really helped me feel not so alone. I am turning my back to him. I am still in shock I think. I know i need my own counseling, fitting it in will take some work. I will take on new duties now that he is moving out. thanks for your encouragement. I will get through this, it is just hard to handle and deal with right now for me. I will never forget this, how he treated me and our children. I will not forget how little he cares.

#9 Jan 24 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

Hunter

NLW

DS is correct.. I read your hurt and your story always leaves me at a loss for words.. My friends husband died suddenly a few years ago.. I went to her.. We just sat together and said nothing.. There was comfort just being together .. Words wouldn't have helped.. So I'm sitting with you hon.. :( I will say.. You have your shit together and it's his loss.. Hunter

#10 Jan 24 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

newlifeway

hunter

Thanks for being there for me, and so many of us that need an ear or some good reminding. I am so sorry for all our hurt angish and pain over these horrible Narc types , we all share the common pain and loss and confusion. Thanks for being there for everyone, and for reminding me that I am not alone. I am so grateful for this place and I am learning so much in the process of getting support. I am going to turn my back on him and I am going to cut off contact so I can heal. We can arrange visitation with a 3 rd party. He really , really makes me ill.

#11 Jan 24 - 4AM

Im_always_fine

There's been enough lying. I

There's been enough lying. I wouldn't lie to the kids. I think I would tell them one by one and make sure I had some time set aside to really focus on them and answer all their questions as honestly as is age appropriate.I'd pray about it and do some research online about how to tell them in the most LOVING way possible. "Speak the truth in love" You know that girls life is over. He is her future. :( I still pray for you every time you cross my mind which is often (hug)

#12 Jan 24 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

newlifeway

I;m always fine

Thank you for your prayers There has been enough lying. He was attempting to make this adjustment not so hard on them, by leaving for this business trip and then after a month breaking the news that he is moving out. This is the ONLY time I have seen him try to be sensitive to anyone's needs. This is the ONLY instance that I have seen him care about how this will affect them. He doesn't seem to care how it has affected me. He wants to maintain his relationship with the kids, and doesn't want to be the bad guy. He has asked me not to bad mouth him to the kids, or tell them what happened. I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to tell the truth. I am having a hard time dealing with this. So, I KNOW they will too. I don't want them to feel discarded lke I do! I would do anything -- ANYTHING--to take the pain away that they will feel. I even believe my 3 year old will know he is gone too. She is so sensitve and watches me so closely and is only 3! He is leaving tomorrow. He will be gone tomorrow. I can only keep moving forward by keeping my back to him now. My family is also disgusted and has offered me much support.

#13 Jan 24 - 3AM

nomoredenial

Im sorry you have to go through this

My x told my 12 year old that he was just moving some stuff around. My son was so sad, he cried some nights and would say "he lied to me" Your little ones are too little to understand fully, but I wouldnt lie. The simplest of truth. Daddy and I are going to live in different houses, hes leaving tomorrow. Otherwise its going to be a long business trip. I think of all the dificult stuff to deal with in this situation is the total lack of care that they show. The best way I heard it explained is that they dont bond to anyone. I always thought I was special to him that he would not dicard me like I had seen him do to so many friends but when he did,realizing I was no different than anyone else was so painful. I feel your heartache, I know how much it hurts. It does get better with time....

#14 Jan 24 - 9AM (Reply to #5)

newlifeway

Nomoredenial

Thank you for your advice He & I have argued over this and I really don't want to lie or be a part of lying to my children. I don't have to go along with him, I will feel so bad and guilty for telling them (hurting them) with the truth. God, it just kills me to see this happen! I am so worried for them, I don't have ANY answers and I feel so sad that they would feel like i do - discarded and devalued, worthless and not good enough. I know these things are not true, but it is the feelings that come! The truth is Daddy is going to live in a different house and this summer Daddy will have a baby and they will have a new brother or sister? I can just see their expressions of confusion on their faces. If I leave it up to him he will lie his way out of the house, that has been his MO for a long long time now!! It is easy for him to lie, even to his family. Anything anything to not 'be the bad guy'. WELL, guess WHAT? HE IS THE BAD GUY. My children will see that soon enough. I dont want to be a part of lying to them. But I also want to protect them now.

#15 Jan 23 - 9PM

Run4it

Think of you often

Newlifeway as I pray. Your story is so heart breaking. I only had a little over a year with my Narc and we were never married or even living together. I know it must be 100x worse with the 3 young children to consider as you mourn and grieve. It is hard as he is taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions and probably never will. You are so very special and are and will continue to be a good mom. You don't have to say much of anything to them until you are ready. Maybe you need a good counselor to discuss this part with??? Just one day at a time and know that you are so very loved and supported here.

#16 Jan 24 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

newlifeway

thank u

Run for it thanks for praying for me and my children for thinking of me, supporting and sympathizing with me we all share a common pain and I have learned so much in a short time being here thank you for your help

#17 Jan 23 - 9PM

Hope

To you too...

Take heart, you are young too I assume with those small children, I was only 32 when I found out my x was cheating, but it was the best thing really that ever happened to me, it was my ticket out of that terrible marriage and I also had a 5, 9 and 10 year old. Twenty years later I'm doing really good and he is so really bad. Just channel all your energy into positive outlets, don't do anything negative, harmful, etc. Take good care of yourself and the kids. Best of luck.

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